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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 1:52 am

Dear son,

There is no school for you.

Perhaps it is my fault
Because as a toddler, I suspected something
But was told it was nothing
And I wanted to believe them
So I did.

Then, when it was clear it was something
I tried to find a therapist you'd speak to
I paid thousands for an evaluation
But kept hitting dead ends
And I gave up.

Now, you are a teen.
You've been through two mesivtas so far.
One, you made it till the end
Though barely
The other I had to pull you out.

I tried to get you into another school
But schools don't take boys in the middle of the year.
Or at least so they told me.
Maybe it was just a nice way of saying no, we don't want you.
(It wasn't so nice to mislead me.)

I applied to more than a few.
They strung me along for weeks or months
Before giving that no.
I asked for other suggestions, but they were not helpful.

Am I bad for wishing sometimes you had something more obvious?
There are schools for Downs
Schools for at-risk teens
Schools for kids who don't like to learn.

But for you...
Because you love to learn
Because you are still strong in your Yiddishkeit
Because you have high standards for yourself

But also, you have something
Maybe HFA (you tested borderline)
And probably some ADHD (but by now you refuse therapy or meds)
Because you are not good socially
Because you will get teased
And you will lash out in return

Because you are not an easy bochur
They don't want you.

You still don't know why.
I've tried to shield you.
I've taken the blame
I've taken your anger
It's because I applied too late
Because they are full
But inside I know the awful truth:
They don't want you.

And now, my only hope is to find a school
Just one school
That will tolerate you.

I can't send you to the schools for kids at risk
Because you don't want to be there.

Because you see yourself as a strong learner
Which you are
Because you see yourself as firm in your Yiddishkeit
Which you are

This time at home should be, could be productive time
I could work with you on skills
I could try to find another therapist
But I can't
Because your anxiety about having no school
Makes you tense and volatile.

And I have to hope
That you will never know
Never find out
That there is no school for you.

140

kiwi strawberry

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 1:58 am

Uy, OP, this is heartbreaking. What an eim you are for him, wanting the absolute best for him, extolling his virtues, knowing what really makes him tick, davening for his success, cheerleading his every step. Hashem should see and hear your heartbreaking tefillos and tears for him and send tremendous siyata dishmaya your way!

If you say where you are located perhaps some of us can recommend schools that might be appropriate! I have one in mind that's in Brooklyn.

amother

Silver ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:04 am

OP I'm so sorry. have you spoken to Rabbi Binyomin Strauss?

amother

Sage ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:08 am

My husband was like this. He ended up doing nonjewish online school to get his high school diploma and my mother in law found a local Rav to learn with him every day. They are still close till today.

He ended up in many different yeshiva gedolas until he found one that worked okay for a year. And then he found a halacha kollel willing to accept him for two sedarim a day. It was a great match, and we got married while he was in that kollel.

Today he is working in his special interest and he's an amazing father and husband.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:08 am

OP,
May HaShem take the pain that you expressed so eloquently and turn it in shira.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:10 am

Thank you, but I doubt anyone can really help with suggestions. We are Chabad and he would never consider a non-Chabad school. We don't live in Brooklyn, but there is no yeshiva here anyway and he needs a place with a dorm.

I wish he didn't know that academically and spiritually he belongs in a top yeshiva. It would be much easier.

amother

Foxglove

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:13 am

You do really have to get him to accept that he needs to think outside the box school wise. It’s not better to have no school than never go anywhere non Chabad. That’s really limiting his options and the situation is hard enough it’s a bad idea.

amother

↑ Silver

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 2:16 am

amother OP wrote:

OK so R. Strauss from Lakewood probably doesn't have the info you need, although it's possible. He has a lot of info.
Have you tried New Haven? I don't really know anything about the yeshiva, but I know some really good people who are part of that community.

amother

Magenta ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 5:49 am

How old is he? Mesivta? Chovevei and Oholei Torah both have dorms. Not the strongest yeshivas but 100% better than nothing.

Please tell me which shiur he's up to, and which yeshivos said they have no room.

amother

Waterlily ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:21 am

There is an amazing yeshiva in Kfar Chabad who do fantastic things with these boys.
I've been in your place.
The pain is so real.
We aren't Chabad and I cried all night one night because there was no litvish yeshiva like the one in Kfar Chabad.
I'm sure you're reluctant to send overseas but if it is an option, they have a psychologist and social worker on site, they work on the social skills, they do bagrut and shlichus and the HFA kids do amazingly with them.

HakarasHatov

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 6:25 am

Op I know of a small school that takes “ different kids” . Do you live in NY. If so PM me

amother

Canary

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:22 am

So sorry OP.
Did you look in shaarei arazim?

amother

Honey

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:26 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Did you speak to Rabbi Barber?

amother

↑ Magenta ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 7:34 am

Suffield CT is intended for top learners but with individual flexibility.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 8:12 am

I appreciate the suggestions, but this is a kid who knows he is smart and Chassidish. He will only consider a top school. He will not go to a school with Bagrut or secular studies, although I agree those alternative schools are the most likely to be willing to take and help him. I as a parent may have opinions but ultimately it's hard to force a teen. His backup plan (which obviously is a no-go) is to go to 770, sleep on a bench, and learn on his own.

We spoke to Rabbi Barber last year. He was nice but not ultimately helpful. I ended up sending him to the first yeshiva that agreed to take him which was a disaster. He now refuses to go to a small yeshiva or an alternative yeshiva (it was a bad experience, hard to say how much was his fault vs the yeshiva's fault, but he did much better in the previous school, so I'm inclined to agree with him that a significant portion was the yeshiva).

I have no problem sending overseas, but the pickings aren't that much better.

Suffield - no
Detroit - no
Chicago - no
Antwerp - no
Cincinnati - no
Baltimore - no
Montreal - no response (don't think they're opening a dorm in the end)
Oholei Torah - no response (tried a few times even though Rabbi Markowitz thought he'd get bullied there)
Queens - no response (I think it would be terrible for him and really don't want to send there)
Napierville - no response (it's their first year running a "typical" yeshiva, I may not be able to convince my son to go even if he did get accepted)

He is going into shiur gimmel. I didn't apply to Toronto, Westchester, or Pomona yet. Not like they'd take him anyhow. I heard Brunoy is not good for Mesivta. He doesn't want to go to Israel for halachic reasons.

amother

Dandelion ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 8:15 am

Did you speak to Rabbi Barber? He can help you with this. Try Ohr Temimim in Toronto or Hamesivta in CH

amother

↑ Magenta ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 8:31 am

I think I remember you posting this last year.

If you can make him understand that a mashpia/respected adult must guide him in this situation, as much as he thinks he can make the decisions alone, he really cannot.
A yeshiva in Israel should not be ruled out. A Rav must be asked if there's a halachic situation.

I wouldn't stop calling or emailing OT.

amother

Raspberry

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 8:31 am

I wonder if kingston could work? I don't know much about it, just that it is small with caring hanhala.

amother

Hosta ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 8:45 am

On a curiosity level, I'd live to hear the halachic reasons for not going to Eretz Yisrael.

On a mom level, I can very much relate to having your child not get what they need because:

A) they don't fit into a current catergory being generally served, but into a category that in reality is significant enough that there should be something. The lack of schooling options for very bright kids with HFA feels ridiculous.

B) the limitations related to their conditions are blocking them- specifically, the rigidity. There is very little out there to help with teens who just will not. Whose HFA black and white thinking has them refusing entire categories which exclude tons of services or insisting on things that get them rejected, whose ADHD reactivity keeps them from listening to a psychiatrist and taking meds, etc.

Everything is designed for parents of usually younger kids who can just say "go there, do that" or just make it happen. And all the educators and askanim tell parent sof the teen kids to do the same, "you're the parent." But when you ask how to actually make it happen, they don't have answers. And if a kid is refusing because of the bad fit (no accelerated learning, all the other kids there aren't motivated which kills their ability and willingness to try), there is either refusal to adapt or desire but lack of resources, and again, no guidance.

amother

Marigold ↓

Tue, Jul 23 2024, 8:52 am

MO schools have options for kids with different needs but obviously there are secular studies.

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