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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
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 Mon, Dec 30 2024, 10:52 am
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I love my DIL, but my ds has really changed, even before he met her. He has become selfish. Most recent example was a ds was asking to borrow a sefer on the family group chat. DS has this sefer. He did not respond. I just assumed that he was busy and missed the message. I texted him privately- he said he saw the message, but did not like the way the other sib asked for the sefer so he wasn't responding. whaaaat???? It hurts me deep down to see this change, but he is happy- happier than I have seen him in a long time. How do I reconcile the sadness/loss of my sweet thoughtful little guy. I know BH he is ALIVE and happy- don't berate ME PLEASE. We speak before shabbat and I feel like I need to steel myself. I want to make sure I am sounding happy, but I am so missing this little boy he once was. His relationship with his sibs has changed too. They see it as well. They see how he has distanced himself. His shana rishona he distanced himself from everyone. I feel triggered and I feel worry when speaking with him I don't want him to push us away. HE is HAPPY. I should be happy he is happy even though I don't like this new person he has become. I feel a pit in my stomach when I think about them visiting. Nothing bad has happened, but his selfish middos come through. I know I am lucky to have a thriving adult in a happy marriage- I just need some wording to tell myself over and over so this feeling doesn't keep looming. I feel I am ruminating and its not good. Anyone have a mantra that can keep me going and think positively?
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amother
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 10:55 am
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If he’s happier than ever then he likely put up strong boundaries to heal from something. Maybe he had issues with siblings you didn’t know about. Try to tell yourself it’s the path he needs to take for his health now. And if you continue to be a safe space for him he will likely open up more when he heals.
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giftedmom
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 10:59 am
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Looks like your sweet and thoughtful little guy may have suppressed his true self and his own desires in order to please you and everyone else. Bh he now has a wife who understands and accepts him the way he is. He is now free to be himself.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:01 am
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I feel like your tone is a bit obnoxious.
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amother
DarkKhaki
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:01 am
Or when my married dd when asking about supper arrangements blurted out, "but mommy, it's your job!"
Oh really! Our sil is sweet and kind but very entitled and it's rubbing off on dd. I'm so sad because they are the most adorable couple but grate y nerves when the drop these entitled statements.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:02 am
| amother Tulip wrote: | | If he’s happier than ever then he likely put up strong boundaries to heal from something. Maybe he had issues with siblings you didn’t know about. Try to tell yourself it’s the path he needs to take for his health now. And if you continue to be a safe space for him he will likely open up more when he heals. |
Thank you- this is helpful!
I think there is another part to this and it's me missing my kids now that they are grown and out of the house. I miss my babies and I also have to learn boundaries and not get involved when I don't see the adult kids responding to each other the way I think is nice. I have to believe I did a good job raising them and step back.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:04 am
| amother DarkKhaki wrote: | Or when my married dd when asking about supper arrangements blurted out, "but mommy, it's your job!"
Oh really! Our sil is sweet and kind but very entitled and it's rubbing off on dd. I'm so sad because they are the most adorable couple but grate y nerves when the drop these entitled statements. |
I'm not alone? Do you just ignore- how do you steady yourself?
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imaima
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:08 am
| amother OP wrote: | Thank you- this is helpful!
I think there is another part to this and it's me missing my kids now that they are grown and out of the house. I miss my babies and I also have to learn boundaries and not get involved when I don't see the adult kids responding to each other the way I think is nice. I have to believe I did a good job raising them and step back. |
You did your job and now they are grown and make their own decisions
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:12 am
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Newlyweds can be very self centered. Hopefully they’ll grow up soon and be more pleasant.
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amother
Cobalt
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:13 am
| amother OP wrote: | | I'm not alone? Do you just ignore- how do you steady yourself? |
You are so not alone. My dd has become entitled, sanctimonious and impossible since getting married. Inconsiderate of her siblings to a point that is hurtful.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:20 am
| amother Cobalt wrote: | | You are so not alone. My dd has become entitled, sanctimonious and impossible since getting married. Inconsiderate of her siblings to a point that is hurtful. |
so how do you handle it. It breaks my heart. We have family members on DHs side who don't speak with each other- I so desperately don't want that to happen. I am one of those people who wants to make sure everyone is happy, I am super sensitive and it cuts me deeply.
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imaima
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:21 am
| amother OP wrote: | | so how do you handle it. It breaks my heart. We have family members on DHs side who don't speak with each other- I so desperately don't want that to happen. I am one of those people who wants to make sure everyone is happy, I am super sensitive and it cuts me deeply. |
I don’t think you should mix into his relationship with the siblings. You can respond to chutzpah if it’s towards you
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amother
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:23 am
| imaima wrote: | | I don’t think you should mix into his relationship with the siblings. You can respond to chutzpah if it’s towards you |
I know- but it is so hard....
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amother
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:24 am
| amother OP wrote: | | so how do you handle it. It breaks my heart. We have family members on DHs side who don't speak with each other- I so desperately don't want that to happen. I am one of those people who wants to make sure everyone is happy, I am super sensitive and it cuts me deeply. |
You have to let go. We can only control ourselves and we can continue to be an inspiration by acting kind. We can’t control our adult kids. We also have to realize we don’t have the full picture and we don’t know why things are happening the way they are.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:24 am
Do you have a therapist to work on this with? You can definitely gain from letting go and letting your kids be adults. And also how to live in a world that we can’t control.
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imaima
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 11:34 am
I can understand the feeling when you have invested so much into chinuch, creating family memories, shared experiences and what not and in the end the kids only remember the negative things or don’t really like one another. The less control you have over them, the more you can see what they actually choose and what they value about their family. And it’s often not what we would like to witness.
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amother
Jean
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:25 pm
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What about "My son is happy and thriving. He is an adult and I am okay with the fact that right now, he isn't exactly the person I imagined he would be." (Potential mantra)
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amother
Ecru
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:30 pm
Mantras
I'm the bigger person
It's not the end of the story
Life is a journey
My Family life is tailor made to reach my ultimate tikkun
Permanent smiling perfect families exist only in photo albums
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Raizle
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 12:32 pm
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It's possible it's just a maturity issue. It could be there was something going on between the siblings you weren't aware of and like someone said he is setting boundaries but perhaps hasn't yet refined how to do it appropriately. It's his journey, he is an adult, he is evolving and will figure it out on his own by cause and affect.
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amother
Yolk
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Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:11 pm
Everyone is doing the best they can and when behavior seems bad it usually means there’s intense pain you know nothing about.
Give love and acceptance. Let go.
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