When your adult kids trigger you- need a mantra

↑ imaima ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:25 pm

I just want to say as someone who broke contact to a relative for a period of time, when other relatives tried to mix in, it felt too much like parents who just want kids to „shut up and play nicely“.
„Just stop and don’t give me more stress by having a row“. It also should have come at the price of me being the bigger person and „as a woman, softening the edges“.
Well it wasn’t helpful to say the least, I got even more resentful, the other side wasn’t supposed to soften any edges, just me…
It ended up being an important break in the relationship, the relative did a lot of internal work with and without therapy and came back to me and admitted how I was right. Only good came out of us working through our conflict ourselves.
Now we are very close again and on a much deeper, more mature level. Like we were close as kids and we rearranged ourselves and could reconnect as adults with a new dynamic

Last edited by imaima on Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Dill ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:25 pm

My first thought was he's enacting boundaries as well. And no offense since I know you mean well but why you getting involved? You don't have to message him on behalf of the other son. Maybe he was indeed busy and didn't see it, maybe he ignored it, who cares. Stay out of it. I know, it's so innocent and you're just helping blah blah. But maybe you're also a bit micromanage. Why can't you be too busy to totally miss this whole conversation?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:31 pm

imaima wrote:

Thank you for sharing this! I love your last line.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:33 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

You have to let go. We can only control ourselves and we can continue to be an inspiration by acting kind. We can’t control our adult kids. We also have to realize we don’t have the full picture and we don’t know why things are happening the way they are.

Thank you..I am going to remind myself that I can only control myself and just inspire others.
Just want everyone to love each other... But I have no control over it- I know.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:34 pm

imaima wrote:

I can understand the feeling when you have invested so much into chinuch, creating family memories, shared experiences and what not and in the end the kids only remember the negative things or don’t really like one another. The less control you have over them, the more you can see what they actually choose and what they value about their family. And it’s often not what we would like to witness.

YES!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:35 pm

amother Jean wrote:

What about "My son is happy and thriving. He is an adult and I am okay with the fact that right now, he isn't exactly the person I imagined he would be." (Potential mantra)

I like this- thank you!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 2:35 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

Mantras

I'm the bigger person

It's not the end of the story

Life is a journey

My Family life is tailor made to reach my ultimate tikkun

Permanent smiling perfect families exist only in photo albums

I love this last one!!!!!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:01 pm

amother Dill wrote:

May I ask do you have grown children? Maybe you could give me some chizuk on how to step back from trying to make sure everyone loves each other..

↑ imaima ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for sharing this! I love your last line.

Yes but we both actually did therapy. I think the hardest part as a parent is to let go and trust the process

↑ imaima ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

May I ask do you have grown children? Maybe you could give me some chizuk on how to step back from trying to make sure everyone loves each other..

I don’t have grown children yet but I try to think that I am raising several individuals. They are not puzzle pieces who have to perfectly connect. They are not just cute toddlers that have to match for a family shooting. They will develop into separate grownups. Like, you go to work and have colleagues who are their own person. You don’t know and don’t care who their siblings are, you work with the colleague who each have a distinct personality and preferences. Some colleagues click and some don’t. It’s okay.
The same with siblings.
I won’t jeopardize my own relationship with each of them by enforcing fake friendship between them.
I would want them to stick up for each other in times of crisis but liking to spend good times together is a bonus…

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:24 pm

imaima wrote:

So if you saw one was hurt by another's actions you would not say another. If it got to a point where one would not show up to a family simcha you would still not try to follow in the path of aharon HaCohen and help them find shalom?

↑ imaima

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would try to enquire and explore without criticizing. And then see if something can be worked out. Maybe I am just imagining it because I have no actual experience.

I do call out mistreatment when I witness it. But they are not grown yet and it’s my house.

amother

Amaranthus

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

No it's not your job.
The best thing you could do is show up and support each kid in their journey. See then for who they are and what they are going through. The relationship should be about them, not you.
Kids and adult kids who have this kind of love and support will very likely grow into such kind of adults. If the love and support is authentic.

amother

Azalea

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 3:44 pm

I do think a mom knows best and your reading of the situation is correct (hugs),
But I'd just like to point out that by privately texting him it was micromanaging. He is an adult and more than capable of answering. Your other DS is more than capable of calling him. I always hate when my mom gets between my siblings and I- you should really take yourself out of all interactions.

ETA:
I don't have grown kids but this is something that I work on on daily interactions with my kids as siblings. It is so so damaging to sibling relationships to have a mother interfere in every interaction. If this has been going on since childhood it's highly possible that this is the reason he doesn't have such a great relationship with his siblings. (And yes, I've heard similar warnings from those in chinuch)

amother

Skyblue

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 6:09 pm

I am not on a chat with my kids.
I talk to myself in the mirror before they come
This is what I say
My precious children are now adults who are growing into themselves
I will give them a chance to develop as mature adults
I will do the three S's smile and stay silent

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 6:56 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

Thank you for the wisdom!

amother

↑ Tulip

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 6:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don’t think other people mirco managing brings peace. It usually just widens the rift. You need to let them figure it out if you want real peace.

amother

↑ Dill

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 8:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

May I ask do you have grown children? Maybe you could give me some chizuk on how to step back from trying to make sure everyone loves each other..

No
I am a grown child myself with a lot of sisters and none of us are close. We weren't close as kids and we aren't now (though we're a little better). Idk what my mother did or didn't do to raise us as strangers to each other but with my own kids, also the same gender, I work very hard on raising individuals. If they get into a fight they're both wrong (or right). I don't make one give in bc they're older or should know better.

It's not my job to make sure everyone loves each other. There it is again, a hint that you micromanage. It's my job to raise each child as an individual and make sure they feel loved and welcome inside the family unit. Just like a teacher has to foster a good classroom environment but doesn't have to force all the classmates to be friends. I teach my kids that they have to be there for each other but I don't force them to be friends. It's not the same thing.

How will it end up? Idk but I'm already ahead of my mother so we'll see.

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Dec 30 2024, 8:37 pm

If you are interested in hearing a possible other side - read on...
Maybe the couple is having a hard time sometimes. Even though for the most part they are getting along with each other, there have been some big disagreements that hurt. He insists that he needs the bigger bedroom for shabbos, or that a specific sibling shouldn't be invited to come that week also, or he seems to get irritated from small things. Maybe he is trying so hard to get thru this small or big crises that it seems that he's not being flexible.
I hope this makes sense. It hurts to write this