DH invited guest | Imamother

amother

Tealblue

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:50 pm

OP, I feel bad that so many are jumping on you. I will be dan lekaf zchus, that if you felt the need to uninvite, you have good reasons.

Cmon, ladies, give OP a break. We don't know how old & hard her baby is, & how difficult her in-laws.

I had a challenging mother. One year I had a baby less than 2 weeks before Pesach. I called my mother's Rov, who knew her (so I need not elaborate)

He said, "Pesach, new baby & your mother? NOT doable!" So I cheerfully told them we can't host. (I think a sibling was able to, if not, they would stay home.)

It's not one size fits all, & in my opinion, some posters should apologize to OP!

amother

↑ Starflower ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 7:58 pm

amother Tealblue wrote:

When you come on an online forum and post a few paragraphs and then ask based on those paragraphs if what you did was horrible, you will get opinions.

Based on what she wrote, most are of the opinion she shouldn't have done that.

Now if she comes back to tell us that she's actually 9 months pregnant with triplets and her inlaws are mean to her and her husband doesn't help and her baby keeps her awake 9 hours a night, then yeah obviously we would have a different opinion of the situation.

Again, bringing in your unique case of hosting 2 weeks post partem is totally irrelevant to the thread or the OPs initial question.

amother

Taupe

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 8:24 pm

Oh no, OP, I wish you hadn't uninvited them. That must have left your mil feeling so hurt.
I guess I must be coming from a different background to you, but the way I grew up we do things that are inconvenient and challenging for the sake of our parents and in-laws.

I hosted my parents for the whole of Succos a few years ago when I had a three-week-old baby. Was hard, and my mom never helped with anything much, but they needed somewhere to go, so of course we invited them. We got through it and it was the right thing to do.

When I had three kids under the age of 3, I hosted my in-laws and their 8 single kids for two days of yomtov. Wasn't easy, but that's life.

After my grandmother passed away, my grandfather used to go to my parents for shabbos every week. for about ten years. it wasn't easy on my parents, or on us kids, but that's what you do. your parent needs you, you are there for them. They were there for us when we were growing up!
I recently became a mother-in-law BH! If my daughter-in-law would disinvite us I would be so hurt it would make me cry Sad

OP you need to learn to handle things that aren't perfect. even if your husband invited them on the spur of the moment without asking you. I feel so sad for your husband and sad for your in laws.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:01 am

My in laws are nice people.. too nice... im already getting nervous from all the compliments they would give me for my food that is half way decent. cant stand the fakeness. cant stand the pressure of cooking for a crowd. just cant.

my baby is a sticky sticky one, will not get off my hands. will not be quiet unless im 100% there for her.
I have more children bh with the oldest being 7 and thats very young- not a helper.

dh is NOT willing to help, I discussed it with him before I made my move... asked if he can help me with serving and cleaning and the baby. obviously not all at once.
he said the only thing he would do is have the baby under his responsibility so she is off my head. TO EXPLAIN this means he will let her cry the whole time but I shouldnt care because shes not 'my responsibilty' now. NO!! NO!! NO!! WILL NOT WORK.
He will sit by the head of the table like a king while I sweat as a 1 man band.
And with that said I should be with my children and in a calm atmosphere without the extra aggravation. this is not a simple one for me. especially if this is dh approach, why do I need to do this for him?

yes, dh and me can work on our shalom bayis. multiple threads on this.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:03 am

amother OP wrote:

What does that mean dh is unwilling to help? If during the meal u Said dh please help serve the soup he will say "no" and just sit there? If you hand him the baby what will he do?

In any case I do understand more now why you uninvited them even though I feel bad for your in laws. But your dh Def should be stepping up and helping if he wants his family to come.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:12 am

in addition, im not being home chold hamoed so thats not an option to host then.
(dh made plans to leave motzei yom tuv and be away all the nights and come back erev yt!) this is not my first choice and im doing it for him solely. I dont need it and I dont want it; young kids, lots of travel, away from home, last minute yt preps. I dont feel I can take hopsting on myself on top of this...

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:13 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

he will sit like a king, I promise

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:16 am

Ruchi wrote:

And for those who judged and judged, gave mussar and refused to be DLKZ, I hope you have the decency to apologise to OP

I think if op would have written this in the first place ppl wouldn't have been so critical. You can't tell half a story and expect accurate advice.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:22 am

amother OP wrote:

I’ll say it again so glad you did what you need to do for your sanity. All the people on here can talk until they are blue in the face. It’s so easy to say how you should host blah blah but they won’t be there to help you when you are collapsing. They all owe you an apology. If someone chooses an action assume they have legitimate reasons.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:24 am

amother OP wrote:

no need to apologize everybody!!
I didnt write up my full story, thats my issue

Nah it’s not your issue it was so easy to listen to you say you can’t do it. No one had to be given more details to decide if it’s a good enough reason in their judgy books.

Also it’s so obvious that a man not really getting your ok is also not going to be pulling his weight at the meals.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:46 am

amother Carnation wrote:

People respond according to the details initially given. That's not on OP, not on the rest of us.

Really? When someone says I can’t you say yes you can and that’s on the op? No that’s on each judgemental person deciding they know her life better than she knows it.

amother

↑ Starflower

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 9:46 am

Ruchi wrote:

And for those who judged and judged, gave mussar and refused to be DLKZ, I hope you have the decency to apologise to OP

Apologize for what?

Answering a situation that was misrepresented?

I was very clear that extenuating circumstances change the situation. She clarified that her husband is behaving very badly and that's why she can't host.

I really see no point in posting a thread if you don't give the full picture. I see enough cases of people who just don't extend themselves because why bother that the original OP is very believable.

The responses you get are only as good as the initial question.

Personally, I would still allow my inlaws to come. I would set up the food as buffet in the kitchen, request that everyone clear the table after eating and then go take care of my baby. Let them all figure it out themselves.

imaima ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 10:09 am

amother OP wrote:

What about your in-laws?

I can’t wrap my mind around many answers here.
When Family come to me post-baby, noone is coming to be served. There is an understanding that they should chip in with help and serving.

I say that you are right to disinvite them and if they get hurt and make a fuss, then you can relate your dh‘s position on it and let them deal with their own son who they had raised without middos.

Dhs will never learn if dws keep bending over backwards for all of their shtick.