How old were you at your first levaya? Shiva?

amother

Amber

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:28 am

Levaya- I dont remember, prob. some time in HS.

Shiva- I was 12 and a classmate was sitting for her brother. I remember the whole way there in the car service, I was practicing saying the possuk. And then I thought, oops, the driver might think I'm saying it to him! lol

Iymnok

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:36 am

I was upset that I couldn't go to my great grandma's levaya. I was 8, she was 103.
I think my Zaidy was niftar the same year. We all went. Shiva was in my house.
I think my mother brought me to Shiva by he friend before that.

My mother was a part of the chevra kadisha. She considered death normal and I was not super uncomfortable. From as long as I can remember I knew about the parts of the tahara and was familiar with the cemetery. Since my father is a kohen my mother took us to the graves of his family. She explained their relationship and told us about them if she knew. She also taught us the various halachos related to the cemetery and matzeivas.

I am so proud of what my mother has done for our OOT community regarding chessed shel Emes.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:51 am

Shiva at 11. My uncle passed away young leaving a large family of orphans. I practically moved into the house for the duration of shiva days to keep their 11 yr old company.

Levaye at 15 for a dear classmate that was tragically niftar in a car accident. It’s been 27 yrs and I still remember it vividly.

Chayalle

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:58 am

I was 12 at my grandmother's AH Levaya. I definitely cried. I remember my grandmother's best friend, who was so close to her, they went thru alot together, going to each of us and hugging us and crying. She outlived my grandmother by like 30 years at least, and I went to be menachem avel to her when her daughter passed away from a car accident. She cried and hugged me and my sisters, and it was like deja vu.

amother

Coral

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 12:04 pm

amother Maple wrote:

I can't remember my first levaya, but I do remember going to a gadol's levaya at age 15/16 - that may have been the first. I think my first shiva call was to a classmate who lost her mother. That was in 7th grade, so I was around 12.

Wonder if we were in the same class?
But the levaya came past the school so that was my first levaya too.

amother

DarkCyan

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 12:17 pm

Grandfathers levaya -7 yrs old.
Can’t remember first shiva but I think it was in HS for my teachers daughter who passed away suddenly leaving behind a family of young kids.

essie14

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 12:20 pm

1st shiva- 5th grade. Classmates father died suddenly
1st funeral - 17 years old. My friend's grandmother. BH all my grandparents died when I was well into adulthood.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 12:27 pm

I think I was the youngest then. I remember going to see my father sitting shiva when I was 3. I remember people crying and thinking it was strange

amother

Dimgray

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:42 pm

Rappel wrote:

Spinoff of the children-at-shiva thread

I was 5 when I attended my first levaya. There were many more after that.

I was in my late teens when I attended a Shiva first. No one told me the ground rules, so I spoke when I wasn't spoken to, and that was a bit embarrassing. After that, I visited another one as a 17 year old, and all others were in adulthood

Thanks for teaching me something new!! I had no idea!

Rappel

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:46 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

Thanks for teaching me something new!! I had no idea!

Happy to help!

Etiquette for a Shiva: unless the mourner addresses you, you stay quiet. If they start telling you things, then you can respond gently, in a manner which leaves them the room to speak or stay silent as they choose.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:46 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

Thanks for teaching me something new!! I had no idea!

It’s brought down that when you visit a person who is sitting shiva, you should not say anything before they do even if you are sitting there for a while and it becomes uncomfortable. The person sitting shiva has to open the conversation and if they don’t then you just sit with them.

Ema of 5

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:51 pm

Rappel wrote:

I don’t remember going to any shiva houses before I went to be Menachem avel my classmate in 5th grade.

amother

Coral

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 3:02 pm

Rappel wrote:

I'm wondering why a parent would take a 5 year old to a Levaya?
My BIL was Niftar recently and we had several children 11+. Our Rav told us that ONLY the children that are comfortable going should go and it has to be their choice. One of our sons and one of our daughters chose to come. Our Rav has a lot of understanding in this matter as he lost his first wife at a young age.

amother

Amaranthus

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 3:10 pm

amother Coral wrote:

We took all of our children to my father’s levaya. My youngest was 5 at the time. I was not in a state to make arrangements for childcare, and my husband wouldn’t even know who to call. She switched off staying with a good friend of mine and staying with me. It wasn’t a conscious choice of mine to take her.

amother

Hibiscus

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 3:20 pm

I don't remember how old I was when my grandmother lost 2 of her siblings in the same week. 13 or 14 maybe. I didn't go to the levaya, just visited my grandmother. She was having a hard time since she lost 2 siblings so close together. She was from a very tight knit family. They were of the lucky few to escape Europe before things got bad. My first levaya that felt real was hers. I was 21. I went to a rosh hayeshiva in high school but I couldn't see anything and he didn't have children so it wasn't particularly emotional. My parents didn't generally expose us to such events. I didn't go to my sisters father in laws levaya when I was 15.

amother

Green

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 3:20 pm

Was at a great aunts Levaya when I was in high school, didn’t go the shiva house. In Sem a classmate lost her parent so our class went to the Levaya and to Shiva. Later on I went to a few Shiva calls for workmates and or cousins. And recently the Levaya of my mother-in-law although there wasn’t really a shiva.

heidi

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:02 pm

I think I win- I was 24 at my first funeral- my grandfather. It was also the first shiva house I visited. I didn't see the thread that this is a spin off of, but I always feel bad for Israeli kids who seem to grow up going to funerals/shivas of terror victims and now soldiers

amother

Quince

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:14 pm

We’ve had several Levayas of close family members in the last few years and I absolutely refused to take any of my kids to them, with the exception of my oldest (a teen) to his grandfather’s, as a sign of respect. I went as an 10 year old and was traumatized for a long, long time after.

There’s absolutely no reason for kids to see adults and children weeping uncontrollably. Or to see their parents at their most emotional moments when they’ve just lost a loved one.

Shivah houses are an entirely different story.