“Older” First Time Moms

amother

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 5:51 pm

I became a mom in my low thirties. I have noticed a trend in first time moms who are around my age and I am wondering if it is substantiated or not. I find that women who have become mothers at an older age are more “intense” about their mothering, which can translate to more intentional, purposeful parenting but also lead to more anxiety. Moms my age seem to talk more about their kids than much younger moms and seem more invested in smaller parts of their lives. I am attaching a poll to see what people think. Please only answer if you know women who became moms at 27 and older.

happy7

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 5:54 pm

I don’t think it is about age. it is a nature.
I became a mom at 22 and I am 45 with an infantsz
I have friends who became moms at all the ages in between.
The way they relate to their children and parenting has much more to do with their personality than their age.

Cheiny

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 5:56 pm

happy7 wrote:

Agree. It might be more a result of being a first time mom, rather than from being older. I agree it depends on the individual and personality.

amother

Lightpink

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 6:00 pm

I became a mom at 26 after multiple years of pif. I was an intense first time mom. The years of waiting combined with my more anxious natural personality definitely took me to "helicopter" bh many years and a few kids later and I'm much more relaxed with my littles now. I agree that natural personality has a say. I also think the waiting (for whatever reason) can play a part.

amother

Dimgray

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 6:01 pm

I became a mom at 28, but have lots of younger siblings (including some who had kids before I did). Like many oldests, I had more parental supervision, but I got to see my siblings raised more laissez faire. So I concluded that given some baseline adequate parenting, kids turn out more or less OK no matter what you do. In some ways I'm more intentional, but in many more ways I'm pretty relaxed.

mha3484

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 6:04 pm

My oldest was born a few months before my 27th bday (think Dec for DS and March for me) so I can round up to 27. I think its a personality. I am not like that but I have friends who were a few years younger who are.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 6:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m an older mom and I notice that I’m so into the details and experiences. That’s not to say that when bedtime takes forever and they’re jumping up and down I don’t become exasperated but honestly, I see myself parenting differently than my friends that became parents at 19-20.

amother

Cyan

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 6:11 pm

I voted yes older moms I know are like that.
I would not necessarily say it leeds to more intentional purposeful parenting but definitely more planned out methods and obsessive planning for each stage.
Older first time moms should realize that their peers who are no longer first time moms may already have systems scheduals and methods in place that they believe in or that work for them and their household. They may also be dealing with bigger kids ( bigger problems) so your not hearing much about their baby's and tota while to you that is a new stage and the only stage you are in so it's what you are thinking breathing and talking about.
Ot doesn't mean that first time around the young moms wherent also as involved in that stage

amother

Tomato

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 8:38 pm

I had my first child at the age of 32 and I was decidedly not as you describe. Natch, I was more relaxed the second time around at age 35, but that's because by then I knew the ropes. Just like any second time mom be she 17 or 37.

amother

Ruby

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 8:49 pm

This is such a sweet question. I became a mom at 28 bh! I think it’s part age and part my personality. Like I’m super intense like U described, into each detail, and I probably would have been the same had I become a mom at 20. I love being a mom! Smile

amother

Molasses

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 9:23 pm

I became a mother at 29 after waiting a while to get married and then IF struggles and needing to do ivf.... I had a very dangerous traumatic delivery so I guess I started out with a disadvantage.... but I felt the shock and difficulty of it makes me the opposite of intense. I felt no connection for a very long time. I feel old. I look at young mothers having 1 after the next and care for their kids with love and patience. I feel kind of passed it. I wish I had an older child to help me run after my difficult toddler. I'm grateful my husband has more energy and finds my child so endearing. At 19 I would've been much more invested....

amother

Maple

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 9:29 pm

Yes!!!

Very very into everything it’s all about my kids , totally see it as I’ve been waiting so long for these moments, their camp bags, towels getting their snacks packed with stickers and a note from mommy!
my friends are up to starting 9th grade and we’re dealing with preschool totally different worlds!

essie14

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 1:38 am

I had my first at 40 and have lots of friends who also got married late and are older Moms. I don't consider anyone under 30 to be an older mom.
We are all super chilled out. Not anxious moms at all.
I definitely don't see what you're seeing in my circles.

ETA: Most of my friends and myself included are very mindful and present parents, but not anxious.
I am extremely on top of everything going on with my DD, but not anxious at all. Not a helicopter mom in any way.

Last edited by essie14 on Thu, Jul 04 2024, 3:39 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Gold

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 3:28 am

Waited about 7 years after marriage to become a mom. It's definitely my personality to be more intentional about my parenting, but I think it would have been a lot less had I not waited. Still, I don't see it as something that can be across the board, because if it wasn't my personality then I'd be more chilled anyway.
Half happy that I'm more purposeful and invested, half wish I could just chill out and not beat myself up about the times I'm too tired to act and respond the way I want. But altogether, I think I'm grateful that I'm more mindful of what I do.

Golde

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 4:11 am

I was over 30 when I had my first but was very intentional about being relaxed, not being a helicopter mom or mama bear, and made a conscious decision with DH not to make our lives center around the little one. Not buying all sorts of stuff and make do with what we had. Keep being involved in community projects and the like. Not caring about every detail of the baby's life. I guess the opposite of what you're describing. We still love our children very dearly and and our parenting is meaningful and purposeful to us. We had had many years to observe other parents and knew that we wanted to be relaxed parents. I don't think it's an age thing at all.

The only thing related to age is that you have less energy when you get older. But that does certainly not start at 27 (which by the way I don't think is old at all!) Maybe around 40? I had a baby when I was 40 and really felt the difference in my energy levels. That might affect your parenting style. But I'm sure this is individual as well.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 5:22 am

Hmm.... good question.
I became a FTM at 28 and I have anxiety in general. There are certain aspects, like naps, for example, where I keep thinking that I'm sure not everyone is obsessed with it as I am.

In general, DH is much more intense about little details than I am, like to the point of annoying.

amother

Offwhite

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 5:35 am

I became a mom in my late 30s after many years of PIF. I am much more interested and invested in my kids - party because it was a long wait and I relish every moment and partly because I have fewer kids.
But I don't helicopter- I enjoy and engage and am more thoughtful in my parenting. Kids do what kids do and I am more available than my parents were to listen and talk and reflect with them. I also have a busy job/career so my time at home is precious and I focus on them when I am with them I make sure I get to school shows and look at their artwork and do PTA but I also support their freedom.

I would like to think parenting is so important to me that I prioritise it in a way I wouldn't have done if I started in my 20s and/or had a large family (how I grew up)

amother

Gold

Thu, Jul 04 2024, 5:57 am

Looks to me like people are taking this as two different things - either are you a chilled mom vs 'helicopter mom', or as are you more intentional and thought-out in your parenting?

I understood it as the second way. I'm not a helicopter mom at all, actually ppl say I'm more chilled than the typical. But I'm very intentional and I mindfully choose parenting approaches that work for me and align with my values, not just going with the flow like I think I would have done more of had I had kids easily and right away.

OP, I'm curious, which one did you mean?