How old were you at your first levaya? Shiva?

Rappel

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:48 am

Spinoff of the children-at-shiva thread

I was 5 when I attended my first levaya. There were many more after that.

I was in my late teens when I attended a Shiva first. No one told me the ground rules, so I spoke when I wasn't spoken to, and that was a bit embarrassing. After that, I visited another one as a 17 year old, and all others were in adulthood

amother

Garnet

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:52 am

First shiva was for my Bubby when I was 9-10 years old. It was in my house. It was very sad that my Bubby died, but she was my father's mother, and he was pretty stoic, so it wasn't a very sad shiva house. More of reminiscing. And I wasn't a shiva caller, I was living in the house.

I think first real levaya and shiva call were to my classmate in 11th grade. She lost her mother. It was awkward and very sad.

Having sat Shiva myself since then, levayas and shivas no longer faze me. They are very sad and I sit and cry through them, but I'm not awkwarded-out.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:54 am

I was menachem avel a friend on my block when I was around 12. She was 11 and sitting shiva for a sibling. I think my mother told me a few basic things before I went.
I might have been menachem avel a grandparent at a younger age but I don’t remember exactly how old I was.
I went to my grandfather’s levaya when I was 18. I’m pretty sure that was the first time I was at a levaya.
It’s so many years later and so many levayas, shivas since then. In fact, I also sat shiva for my father.

amother

Trillium

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:55 am

First shiva was as an 11 year old. My friend’s toddler sibling passed away in a horrific accident and I visited her. It was so heartbreaking.

First levaya was at 12, a great aunt passed away after an extended illness.

amother

Snapdragon

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:56 am

Ruchel wrote:

Levaya; not my minhag
Shiva: for a friend's dad, I was like 30's

Not your minhag to ever attend a levaya?

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:56 am

Rappel wrote:

I was 17 when I attended my first levaya (grandparent) and shiva (father and classmate.) I had a few younger siblings so they were a lot younger for their “firsts”. Unfortunately I attended a lot more over the years and sat shiva twice and learned new things as I went along.

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:58 am

amother Snapdragon wrote:

Not your minhag to ever attend a levaya?

My dad zal didn't want women at cemetery at ALL. I do go on graves - but not at burial, which my husband's minhag too. Some also do not go to cemetery as long as their parents live - but I did (it wasn't my minhag)

FTR, my mom decided to go at my father's burial. She felt very weird there as the only woman.

Last edited by Ruchel on Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:02 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:58 am

amother Garnet wrote:

I sat shiva twice and they still faze me.

mommyhood

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:02 am

Shiva, around 10 for a girl in my class who lost a sibling. Not a typical shiva call since she wasn’t technically sitting shiva. My kids have all been, including babies because our parents wanted them there when they sat shiva. It wasn’t a very heavy environment.
Levaya much older, post high school. I’ve taken my kids 10 and up to a grandparents levaya but only allowed ones a few years older to go to the kevurah. Would not have taken them if it wasn’t such a close relative.

amother

Snapdragon

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:03 am

Ruchel wrote:

The levayas I attended are usually in front of a house or shul. Not in a cemetery.
I heard of the minhag of women not going to a cemetery but never heard of never attending a levaya.

amother

Mimosa

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:03 am

probably around 5- beginning of pre-1a. for my father. shiva was cut short due to rosh hashana.
my grandmother died about a year later, my uncle (father's brother in law) died two or three years after that but don't know if I went to those.

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:04 am

amother Snapdragon wrote:

The levayas I attended are usually in front of a house or shul. Not in a cemetery.
I heard of the minhag of women not going to a cemetery but never heard of never attending a levaya.

People generally meet in front of the cemetery or inside

Teacher_EW

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:04 am

The first levaya I went to was my great grandmother's. I was almost 10. And I think I was too young. I laughed from nerves the whole time. The first time I remember going to a Shiva, I was about 15 and a neighbor (10 year old) was niftar. I was so nervous and I don't think I said more than "hamakom yinachem"

amother

Honey

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:06 am

My first shiva was at 14 when my great grandmother was niftar- the levaya was a flight away so I didn’t go to that, only to the shiva. First levaya was prob 15-16 when a secretary in our school was niftar. The first few times I went to shiva was very awkward for me but now in my high 20s I have unfortunately been to a lot of shivas, and some levayas, and am more ok doing it. Doesn’t make it easy tho

amother

Maple

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:10 am

amother Snapdragon wrote:

Not your minhag to ever attend a levaya?

That's the minhag in my kehilla too. Women can come to levayos if they want but it's not much encouraged. Definitely NOT to go to the cemetery with the mes - that's absolutely forbidden.

amother

Maple

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:13 am

I can't remember my first levaya, but I do remember going to a gadol's levaya at age 15/16 - that may have been the first. I think my first shiva call was to a classmate who lost her mother. That was in 7th grade, so I was around 12.

onlyone

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 11:27 am

First Shiva- or first I can remember was for a great uncle
First funeral was for my grandfather who passed away when I was 10 almost 11