Are you supposed to feed guests on Friday?

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:31 am

I don't mind hosting, I actually host a lot but the Friday thing throws me off. Friday my house is hectic and busy, I'm hosting for shabbos not for Friday afternoon. I have fruit and cheese and snacks available but I don't want to have to think about it and honestly I like people out of my kitchen on Friday while I'm cooking or cleaning it up.
Is this obnoxious?
Someone bad mouthed me to another relative that when they came for shabbos, I didn't feed them on Friday. Happens to be I was making shabbos Sheva Brochos as a huge favor and hosting this family, was given no help physically or financially, it was a short Friday, and they came early. My kitchen was chaos, I was busy and non stop moving and all of a sudden 10 people were in my kitchen looking to be fed. I think I handed them some random snacks and asked them to please stay out of the kitchen.
I was shocked at the rudeness but they considered me a horrible host.
I'm curious about this.

mizle10

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:36 am

Honestly yes I do… Friday I always have a potato kugel and a pan of fresh shnitzel for the taking. Usually also a pan of roasted veggies like sugar snap peas. That being said I do live very OOT so it’s understood that shabbos guests will come Thursday night and I’m hosting them also for Friday.

amother

SandyBrown ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:37 am

I agree with you, but in the last number of years people have begun expecting a meal on Friday before Shabbos. My mother would have told them that they were spoiling their appetite for dinner! I generally order a sushi platter if I’m having guests and others have a tray of potato kugel and some chicken nuggets. You could also put out some fruit and cookies on the dining room table with paper plates and cold drinks and let them help themselves. I would rather prepare something and keep the guests out of the kitchen. Sounds like they caught you at a very busy time but regarding you as a horrible host seems a bit harsh.

amother

Crocus ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:39 am

It would never occur to me to feed people driving over from their homes, an hour or two away. They should take care of themselves before leaving and have no expectations to receive anything beyond a drink before we sit down to the Friday night meal.

On the other hand someone getting in off a plane from far away (I don't understand people traveling like this so close to shabbos, but that's another story) I'd make sure to have something to feed them -- though it would be very simple.

amother

cornflower ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:40 am

It depends on the situation. If I'm putting up someone else's guest, I don't serve them food. I expect their hosts/family to provide food for them.
If it's our own guests, I have some kugel & fruit prepped for them.
(OP, I also don't appreciate guests arriving too early. Especially if they don't live that far of a drive away.)

doodlesmom ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:42 am

I’ve sometimes told my siblings when coming for a simcha I’m busy with to come well fed.
It’s one of those situations where you can prep a whole buffet and the people arrive too close to the zman to eat it, and other times they arrive starved and start eating everything but the kitchen sink.

Really as a guest, make sure to eat a proper meal before leaving your home.
It’s not their problem that you didn’t put anything into your mouth yet…
But as a host it’s nice to at least have some munchies available.

Last edited by doodlesmom on Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:43 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Winterberry ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:43 am

I never go to people for shabbos unless im traveling. In which case, food on Friday is always appreciated. We try to eat something before we leave but after a long drive we arrive hungry. I don't need anything fancy, just something to tide us over until the meal.

amother

↑ Crocus ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:48 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

Not trying to be mean, but why can't you pack sandwiches for the car ride?

I work, and still make shabbos meals, clean the house, set up guest rooms, and now I have to put out an additional meal too because you couldn't eat a sandwich in the car? I think it's expecting too much from a host, unless of course they offered beforehand to have food for you upon arrival.

amother

↑ cornflower ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:51 am

amother Crocus wrote:

What does your family eat on Fridays?
You don't have to serve a meal. But having something hot ready is nice. And not everyone can eat in the car without getting sick.
If you'd host your parents/in laws, you'd also expect them to eat in the car?

amother

↑ cornflower ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 9:54 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Why are grown up adults not able to feed themselves prior to arrival or pack their own lunchbox?

Some have a long drive & get car sick if eating in the car.
It's obviously not an obligation to prep food for Friday afternoon, but it is a nice thing to do.
And doesn't your own family eat on Friday afternoon? If you feed your family, you feed the guests the same food.

amother

DarkPurple ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:00 am

OP said this was a short Friday, so I am assuming winter time. I don't understand why any adult who ate lunch needs to be "tided over" before a winter Shabbos dinner time, which is what, 6:30 pm? For kids, snack bags, crackers, peanut butter, granola, or fruit should be fine as a snack. We don't serve a hot meal before the meal, to me that is an unusual expectation.

In the summer, when dinner may not start until much later, I get wanting a snack, but to me kugel and schnitzel is a meal. We just feed kids in the afternoon, but my husband and I don't eat any hot food.

Elfrida

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:03 am

amother cornflower wrote:

We have lunch (pasta) on Friday, and anyone wanting anything else takes some fruit. In the summer I'll feed the younger children before candle lighting. Once lunch is over, we don't eat Friday afternoon, and I don't prepare extra food for that time slot.

ETA Obviously, anyone coming in gets offered a drink. Maybe a piece of cake, if its available. But not extra cooking.

Last edited by Elfrida on Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:09 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maple

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:05 am

I think the lines are being blurred with "expectations " and what's is "appreciated"
I dont think anyone will turn down a peice of fresh hot potatoes kugel, but I should hope it's not expected.
I also think there is a difference of hosting someone's guest for a simcha or your own.
From my experience, Simcha guests usually come a bit close to shabbos - too close to start eating a meal, or thinking that they haven't eaten yet the whole day.
Family comes whenever and then there is always potato kugel and deli roll ...

Molly Weasley

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:06 am

If they're eating by us, yes, we feed them Friday afternoon - usually kuggle

If they're just sleeping by us, we leave snacks by their kitchenette

ShishKabob ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:06 am

Reality wrote:

Yes, it is part of it. I always offer potato kugel and fruit.

This, you need to have something to offer, can be cookies, cake, farfel, kugel. Anything really.