 |
|
 |
 |
|
|
Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
nachasmom
|
 Sun, Jan 05 2025, 12:44 pm
[quote="flowerpower"]Its her neighbors guest. She should have sent them there to eat. The one making the simcha is the one that is supposed to offer a pre shabbos meal.
After reading your post I did a 180 degree turn and agree with you completely. The one making the simcha should be prepared to receive her guests and not the one who is doing her the favor.
| |
|
| Back to top |
 0
 6
|
amother
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 12:46 pm
| Raizle wrote: | | She specifically told them not to come early because she'll be busy, they didn't come from so far away that they couldn't have eaten before and there were shops they could go to eat at |
This discussion has moved way past the OP’s question.
If you’re hosting guest for sleeping only, you’re not expected to feed them.
However if these are your guests who u plan on accommodating for sleeping and eating, there should be an option for food in one way or another for the duration of their stay.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
|
amother
Tomato
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 12:47 pm
They should go out for pizza and offer to take your kids with them to get them out of your hair and bring back some for you.
Should you offer them, yes you should, but they should not take you to or impose.
| |
|
| Back to top |
2
4
|
amother
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 12:48 pm
We have guests almost every week. Yes I work. Yes, I have a small apartment with keh a nice sized family.
I dont think ANYONE has ever come to me, whether 10 minutes before shabbos or during the week, where we have not offered a drink or food.
Before the zman on friday, there should be some cake, fruit, kugel etc.
As giftedmom said upthread, maybe its an Hungarian thing, but I have not heard or seen otherwise. (Didnt avraham avinu teach us that?)
The only exception would be if its a basement with other peoples guest. Then the onus to feed them is on the baal simcha.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
5
|
amother
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 12:49 pm
| amother Tealblue wrote: | This discussion has moved way past the OP’s question.
If you’re hosting guest for sleeping only, you’re not expected to feed them.
However if these are your guests who u plan on accommodating for sleeping and eating, there should be an option for food in one way or another for the duration of their stay. |
Absolutely!
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
1
|
2429
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 12:53 pm
| amother OP wrote: | If guests come lunch time they will get the same lunch as my family. I'm talking about coming after lunch but before shabbos. I'm focusing on getting the house and all the cooking ready and then I need to stop to host a meal and people making new mess. If it's a long Friday not so much of an issue because I have more time and theres a kugel served late afternoon.
I live in a place where there is multiple stores with ready made food open until an hour before shabbos.
I actually told this family not to come early because I don't have a huge house and I needed to focus on the the Sheva Brochos and not have 10 extra people hanging around my house. They decided to come early to help. Hahahaha. I didn't get a ounce of help just being bad mouthed.
The circumstances were that I was making sheva Brochos for a neighbor who is a relative to this family. The family is DHs brothers family. My neighbor had a huge leak from a freezer that got unplugged the day before the chasuna and she called me crying that she can't cook new food or afford to cater and now she can't host with the smell and I said that I would do it for her. I literally took on the entire sheva Brochos. I also couldn't afford to cater it. I cooked all the food, dealt with the set up and decor from local shops because most of hers was ruined. BH she had booked a waiter that we had and paid for. I was busy borrowing chairs and tables and warmers. The family knew this was going on. I told them not to come early and that things would be very hectic. They decided to come early but they'll help. They came in with a gazillion suitcases, marched into my small kitchen and asked for food.
A few days later they told my neighbor that I kicked them out of the kitchen and nebach they had to go to a local place to buy some food to eat because I didn't serve them. And that I just like to show off my hosting by making the Sheva Brochos but I was so rude to them and I didn't even feed them.
Of course when people come I offer them something to eat or drink but I don't prepare a meal or a spread. In this case I prepared nothing and just handed them random snacks to eat I don't know where because my house was packed with tables and chairs.
I was not asking if I should offer a snack or not I was asking if I'm obliged to feed guests real sit down food in the afternoon before (a winter) shabbos.
If Im wrong I'm wrong, I'll try to do better next time. |
You start d the thread without full background.
This family has issues and is 100% wrong
If you know this background and are still expecting to be wined and dined yes it is very off and very entitled.
In this situation you were 100% correct.
Now as a host I do try to offer food to people on erev shabbos.
There are many people who I go to for shabbos who are wonderful hosts and I love going to who don’t offer food erev shabbos..
I think it is one of those things that if you can that beautiful and if you can’t don’t worry you are still a good host.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
10
|
↑
Reality
↓
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 1:10 pm
OP, your guests behavior is beyond words. I am so sorry this happened to you. You were trying your best last minute and literally got slapped in the face.
In general, when you are hosting your own guests for shabbos it is the welcoming thing to do. It doesn't have to be a full meal buy offer them something.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
11
|
↑
Reality
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 1:15 pm
I wish posters would stop suggesting this is a Hungarian thing. It's really not.
My grandparents lived OOT where there were no kosher restaurants. When boys came to date their daughters, they served a full fleishig meal to the boys after the date. They knew they drove far and had no opportunity close buy to eat dinner. And they were Lithuanian Jews, shocker! /s.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
Cheiny
↓
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 1:18 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I don't mind hosting, I actually host a lot but the Friday thing throws me off. Friday my house is hectic and busy, I'm hosting for shabbos not for Friday afternoon. I have fruit and cheese and snacks available but I don't want to have to think about it and honestly I like people out of my kitchen on Friday while I'm cooking or cleaning it up.
Is this obnoxious?
Someone bad mouthed me to another relative that when they came for shabbos, I didn't feed them on Friday. Happens to be I was making shabbos Sheva Brochos as a huge favor and hosting this family, was given no help physically or financially, it was a short Friday, and they came early. My kitchen was chaos, I was busy and non stop moving and all of a sudden 10 people were in my kitchen looking to be fed. I think I handed them some random snacks and asked them to please stay out of the kitchen.
I was shocked at the rudeness but they considered me a horrible host.
I'm curious about this. |
Yes, of course, guests who are staying for Shabbos can’t be expected to starve on Friday and have to wait for the night Seuda. This is a given.
| |
|
| Back to top |
1
3
|
↑
doodlesmom
↓
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 1:20 pm
Just saying a good idea would be to have a case of noodle soup handy as a host (and maybe even as a guest), and if people are hungry and there’s nothing else they can offer an easy noodle soup.
Kids will love you!
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
MiracleMama
↓
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 1:28 pm
| giftedmom wrote: | | Sending starving people out of your kitchen is letting them starve |
I realize this conversation is 6 pages in already, but I want to say that you really should not conflate being hungry and starving. Missing out on a snack, or even a meal, does not equal starvation.
I've stayed by people for shabbos where the offerings were very limited (and unappealing to boot) and yes, I was frankly hungry most of shabbos, but I was not starving.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
10
|
|
amother
Mistyrose
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 1:35 pm
| giftedmom wrote: | | IMO it is all or nothing because letting people starve with no options is worse than just not hosting them at all. At least then they’re in their own house and can feed themselves or in someone else’s house getting fed. It’s a very helpless feeling being in a strange environment with kids and just being hungry because there is no food available. |
Agree. I always serve my family a hot meal on Friday no matter summer vs winter. Kids get hungry and they all appreciate some hot food.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
groisamomma
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 1:38 pm
Yes. Just put it out and they'll help themselves.
I make an extra 9x13 potato kugel, a pan of chicken (extras served on Shabbos), farfel (extras served on Shabbos), and I put out drinks and a stack of paper goods with a caddy of cutlery. I mostly host siblings and that's what we're used to. They feed their kids but I'm not expected to sit there and host. Omwtimes I wencome the opportunity to sit and take a break, and of course spoil the kiddos, but if it's too close to Shabbos they're on their own. If you need anything else, help youself. I'm going to take a shower. ☺️
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
amother
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 2:05 pm
I've been hungry way too many times as a guest Friday before Shabbos. Offering food to guests before Shabbos is a must for me. It takes about 2 hours from candle lighting until the meal & no one should be hungry on my watch.
For all those saying you're an adult you should've eaten lunch, well yeah but when you're packing & rushing out the door with little kids hoping not to hit traffic you sometimes just don't get to eat, even if yes it's already been several hours.
Imo you don't must host, if you do host you don't need fancy food, no fancy dishes or presentation, don't worry if there are toys & books all over er etc. But make sure your guests are not hungry.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
amother
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 2:10 pm
(I was always going to have this family stay for shabbos, they were going to the neighbor for Sheva Brochos, since we're family to them they were going to stay by us. Having the sheva Brochos by me was the added last minute thing. Probably because they are our relatives it was not clear who would be feeding them because maybe they are also my guests so to speak)
The Sheva Brochos story aside, it just brought to light this idea of feeding guests Friday afternoon. It sounds like real food is an expectation even in the winter. Good to know.
I do ask my guests for an ETA because I want to make sure everything is ready for them, and so I can schedule around their arrival. If they planned to be here lunch time I would have lunch for them too. I just didn't think about real food for later.
And yes I feed my guests Motz shabbos and Sunday morning or however long they stay. Many people tell me not to worry about them their going to pick up pizza or something like that.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
3
|
↑
doodlesmom
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 2:14 pm
| amother Watermelon wrote: | I've been hungry way too many times as a guest Friday before Shabbos. Offering food to guests before Shabbos is a must for me. It takes about 2 hours from candle lighting until the meal & no one should be hungry on my watch.
For all those saying you're an adult you should've eaten lunch, well yeah but when you're packing & rushing out the door with little kids hoping not to hit traffic you sometimes just don't get to eat, even if yes it's already been several hours.
Imo you don't must host, if you do host you don't need fancy food, no fancy dishes or presentation, don't worry if there are toys & books all over er etc. But make sure your guests are not hungry. |
While I believe it’s nice to have some food, I don’t understand why people are busy that when they’re packing and rushing they don’t have time for food, yet while the host is cooking and rushing they should have time for food.
Most of the time especially if it’s for a simcha the guest are having a calmer day than the host.
(Maybe even offer to bring toyameyu for all as a guest.)
When my siblings join me in my upstate vacation home for shabbos and want to share the cooking I sometimes ask them to take care of pre shabbos food.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
8
|
amother
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 2:16 pm
| amother DarkPurple wrote: | OP said this was a short Friday, so I am assuming winter time. I don't understand why any adult who ate lunch needs to be "tided over" before a winter Shabbos dinner time, which is what, 6:30 pm? For kids, snack bags, crackers, peanut butter, granola, or fruit should be fine as a snack. We don't serve a hot meal before the meal, to me that is an unusual expectation.
In the summer, when dinner may not start until much later, I get wanting a snack, but to me kugel and schnitzel is a meal. We just feed kids in the afternoon, but my husband and I don't eat any hot food. |
This!
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
2
|
amother
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 2:17 pm
| groisamomma wrote: | Yes. Just put it out and they'll help themselves.
I make an extra 9x13 potato kugel, a pan of chicken (extras served on Shabbos), farfel (extras served on Shabbos), and I put out drinks and a stack of paper goods with a caddy of cutlery. I mostly host siblings and that's what we're used to. They feed their kids but I'm not expected to sit there and host. Omwtimes I wencome the opportunity to sit and take a break, and of course spoil the kiddos, but if it's too close to Shabbos they're on their own. If you need anything else, help youself. I'm going to take a shower. ☺️ |
That's a shabbos meal to me and would spoil my appetite for dinner. Is this a yeshivish or chassidish minhag, because I'm MO and never heard of this practice.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
8
|
mommyla
↓
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 2:18 pm
| Raisin wrote: | I thought one wasn't meant to eat a proper meal (kugel and schnitzel=proper meal) so close to shabbos.
I always offer cake and coffee, maybe some shabbos food that is going spare. Or a cheese toastie or similiar if I don't have extra food. |
I came here to say this. I don’t understand eating Shabbos food so close to Shabbos, I believe one isn’t supposed to eat so much after chatzos on Friday so as to have an appetite for the seuda.
If we’re having a lot of company I’ll throw in some franks in blanks to nosh on. Otherwise there are plenty of snacks. I don’t serve a hot meal.
When we make simchas I put out platters of finger food (and I like to send that to friends making simchas as well) but it isn’t an every-week thing.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
7
|
abound
|
Sun, Jan 05 2025, 2:27 pm
In this case...no, they are expected to take care of themselves.
Generally Friday afternoon kugel/ farfel/cake is part of shabbos prep for me. So yes, I serve my guest.
| |
|
| Back to top |
0
0
|
|
Imamother may earn commission when you use our links to make a purchase.
© 2025 Imamother.com - All rights reserved
|  |
 |
|
 |
|
|
