Are you supposed to feed guests on Friday?

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:10 am

I live in the same city as my sister in law
She came to me in the summer with 2 little kids, 20 min before the zman, starving and looking for a meal saying they were at a park all day
I had kugel warm and ready but wasn’t expecting them to need a full meal

tms1

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:11 am

I think one important thing is that your relative shouldn’t badmouth you regardless. You were doing something kind and for her to say something not nice about you after you hosted her is reproachful. So don’t feel bad about it at all.

amother

Currant

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:11 am

If the guests are coming from far enough away that they are missing a meal on Friday, then ideally there should be food from which they can have a meal.
Otherwise, snacks sound fine, you just don't want your guests to be extremely hungry.
If you have hot food, amazing, but it's very weird for guests to complain if you don't

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:12 am

My in-laws come for Shabbos often. It’s quite a few adults. They always arrive by 1pm, regardless of when Shabbos is, as my FIL is paranoid about getting stuck in traffic.
That being said, in the winter, they bring lunch along and eat it by me or before they come into my house. In the summer, or longer fridays, they take my kids out with them for lunch. It’s a win/win when they do that!

I don’t always have potato kugel ready that early, and it definitely makes me nervous when at 3pm, my BIL will start going through my fridge and oven asking what he can take from. (Yes, my MIL yells at him for it). If I’d have to have a spread for them for lunch, it would be so much harder for me!

The other upside that that since my MIL is very self conscious about coming early, she ends up being a huge help! She’ll either watch all the younger kids, or she’ll roll up her sleeves and help with whatever is still needed.

amother

Eggshell ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:12 am

I'm genuinely surprised at some of the comments here. If a family is hosting you for Shabbos, that is 3 meals to prepare. On top of setting up rooms, and everything else that entails hosting someone. They now have to think about feeding you and your whole family on Friday afternoon as well?? Sometimes women don't feed their kids on Friday during the hectic erev Shabbos rush. Sometimes it's just cereal and milk or cheese sticks and crackers. Even having a hot potato kugel ready early is work.
I would never in a million years expect a host to offer me food on Friday afternoon, its so nice of them to even have me all Shabbos.
If you need something to tide you over, pack sandwiches. If you get car sick, pack sandwiches and eat it when you arrive and are parked.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:14 am

The furthest any of my guests come is an hour away.
If they were coming from very far or staying over Thursday of course I feed them on Friday.
I usually make an extra potato kugel to eat on summer Fridays but in the winter it's go go go until shabbos comes in.
In my home I feed my kids lunch and then they have snacks until the seuda which is supper. No one starves.
If its one or two people I usually offer some of the shabbos food but if I'm having a whole family then essentially I need to cook double food.
I can't turn back the clock but I guess it's good to know what's expected.
It's funny because I host a ton, every week we have eating over guests and at least once a month we have sleepover guests. I am considered a warm and generous and laid back host but I realize the Friday thing trips me up. Hearing it so bluntly stated from that relative really threw me off.

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:14 am

amother Gladiolus wrote:

Sounds like you have a superstar MIL!

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:14 am

I find potato kugel labor intensive to make.

I’ll often put up a 9x13 pan of pasta ppl can help themselves to. But only for my own guests.

If I’m hosting guests for someone else’s simcha I’d assume their host is feeding them and not prepare.

↑ ShishKabob

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:17 am

amother OP wrote:

It's funny because I host a ton, every week we have eating over guests and at least once a month we have sleepover guests. I am considered a warm and generous and laid back host but I realize the Friday thing trips me up. Hearing it so bluntly stated from that relative really threw me off.

It's weird to complain about it. I was just coming from the position of the person hosting that it's normal to prepare something. To demand and complain is another level, no.

↑ Reality ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:18 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

Yes, it is a lot of work having sleepover guests. People should appreciate all we are doing for you!

But honestly, who are my sleepover guests? Family who I WANT to treat well and don't want them to feel uncomfortable in any way. Or yeshiva and seminary students who never have enough food to eat and are so happy to have some delicious homemade food.

amother

↑ cornflower

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:19 am

amother Tangerine wrote:

That is rude of your SIL.

giftedmom ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:20 am

Don’t be a martyr. Either you’re able to host or not. But when people come to you they depend on you for food. Even just from an hour away they can arrive starving. Getting out of the house with little kids is stressful and often they don’t want to eat before or get car sick and throw up.
But getting nitty gritty and sending them out of your kitchen is rude sorry.
You don’t necessarily have to serve but you can have some cholent on the counter.

↑ Reality ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:26 am

ShishKabob wrote:

It's weird to complain about it. I was just coming from the position of the person hosting that it's normal to prepare something. To demand and complain is another level, no.

It is very rude to complain.

I am barely ever a guest anymore, so I also was coming from the perspective of the host.

Simple1 ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:30 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

I totally agree.

amother

Slategray

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:31 am

I usually have kugel or farfel ready earlier in the day, whether it’s for my family or guests. I did have one time when my in-laws invited themselves over two days before to stay for the whole shavuos. DH and I had been planning very simple meals for ourselves but once we heard they were coming, we began cooking up a storm.
I was sleeping 3 hours each night trying to get everything done to feed a sudden crowd of 18+ people. I got really mad when my FIL was irritated that there wasn’t a breakfast spread and then later kugel ready for him to eat as soon as he decided to eat. You can’t invite your enormous family last minute and expect a 5 star experience. You know where the fridge is. Help yoyrself

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:32 am

Reality wrote:

Don't we want to treat all guests well, no matter who they are?
Treating someone well is having them over all Shabbos! No one should expect to be fed a meal on Friday afternoon

amother

Opal

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:33 am

Someone spreading word about your hosting is problematic halachically.
People definitely need to eat. Yes I offer food even if its 10min before shabbos when they walk in. If im hosting on a more grand scale, a simcha, I will have table officially set with fruit and sweets too but on a reg shabbos just some kugel and chulent will be offered on disposables.
I live in small space and dont really have room for guest hanging around but yes I have to feed them. If im in shower or unavailable when come my kids know to offer

amother

Latte

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:34 am

To answer your question I do think it’s nice to offer kugel or at least a sit down snack when guests arrive . However I don’t think it’s something to badmouth a host about ! If lunch is eaten at 12 it is normal to be hungry for a light snack at 3-4 …

amother

↑ Eggshell ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:35 am

giftedmom wrote:

Getting out of the house with kids is stressful. Hosting a whole family for a Shabbos is more stressful. Maybe grab some food from your fridge before you leave so that the host who is running around her house getting everything ready doesn't also have to feed a whole family another meal before Shabbos.

amother

Tealblue ↓

Sun, Jan 05 2025, 10:38 am

What does your family eat on Friday? Not to mention long fridays in the summer?
We eat kugel, cholent, cold cuts and whatever else is available and considered toyamehu. That’s what I feed my guests too and that’s what I generally get fed when being hosted by family.