What’s harder- little kids or big kids

amother

Firethorn

Today at 1:22 am

Op, I’m in the stage of kids ages 11-27. 100% the youngest stage was by far the most brutal. I felt exactly like you when I was in your stage, and thank you HaShem I’m loving loving the parenting the past 5 years or so. It’s totally a wrong saying “small kids small problems, big kids big problems “. I didn’t believe it then, just like you, and I can prove it wrong now. Yes you do! Have what to look forward to! It only gets easier and more enjoyable as they get older. I’ll add 2 things though, firstly I had my youngest when my oldest was 16, and secondly I put in a ton of good parenting and cried buckets of tears to HaShem to help me succeed. Can’t stop thanking HaShem now, and of course I still need to always polish my parenting and the prayers never end! You can do this! Hang in there!

amother

Apricot

Today at 2:04 am

When my kids were small I couldn’t imagine what count harder than caring for my completely dependent little children. Carrying them, feeding them, wrestling them into the bath while they cried while trying to get the shampoo out of their hair. Cleaning the floor under the high chair, not sleeping through the night….. you get the idea.

Now we are in shidduchim.
While my body feel too old and achy to chase in the playground and to bend to pick up all the Lego, the mental stress and heartbreak rips at your heart and soul in a much more exhausting way. If only problems could still be solved with a lollipop, sticker and kisses.

amother

Clover

Today at 2:07 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

I have ages baby to teen.

I always hated when ppl told me, "little kids little problems, big kids big problems". Recently a relative told me this as I was struggling with my little ones. And I responded -I actually have big kids now! And I disagree.

I find the baby & toddler stage the hardest by far. They are yummy, precious, adorable AND also take so much out of me, and perpetually keep me exhausted in a way my older ones just don't.

It's true older kids are more complex, more moody, more independent minded, not as ready to toe the line etc. But they don't keep me up all night AND wake up the crack of dawn, and need to be fed, and changed, and dirty diapers / toilet training / accidents, tantrums, it's never ending...

I find it easier to have both stages the same time in a way bec my big ones help hold the baby, entertain the young ones, and give me some more mature company. On the other hand they want me at night once my littles are finally down, and I can't let the house fall apart or make super super simple suppers like when I only had little ones. And I'm always feeling torn between older / younger ones needs. Still overall I think it's easier. Being able to go to the bathroom without taking the baby with me, or worrying what could happen without me around for 5 min is quite nice!

Was gna post exactly this. 💯

Also, no one mentioned the Nachas (IYH by all of you!). Sure, you can enjoy your little kids and their smiles and hugs just melt your heart, but there’s nothing like watching a child you raised turn into a mature, responsible and all-around wonderful young man/lady.

amother

Goldenrod

Today at 3:36 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear you, but there’s also so much letting go that needs to happen with little ones.

If they don’t want to eat what I serve them, I can force or let go. If they don’t want to wear what I put out for them, I can fight them or let go. I find myself constantly needing to let go of control with my little ones…

So maybe the letting go with older ones is more related to your sense of self and ego, but letting go is happening for me for a long time already and it’s very hard.

Butt into conversations? My kids don’t even let me talk in the first place. I cant have a conversation with DH because they’re constantly interrupting, sensing a threat to their attention… or needing to be heard RIGHT NOW.

I’m just seeing that they’re both very challenging. And maybe it depends on the personality of the parents?!

I just can’t accept that this is supposed to be the easier stage. It just can’t be.

You need to tell your kids you are speaking to Totty now, you will have to wait a minute or two.

amother

Natural

Today at 5:34 am

Little kids are almost always physically hard. The chasing, they endlessly need us for everything.

The teen stage is potentially much harder and draining. Meaning it's very possible you'll get lucky and have an eady go lucky, well mannered, self sufficient teen, and all is good.

But the potential difficulty raising teens is much harder than with little kids.

Meaning a 16 year old might be sad and depressed. School and learning issues are much harder to resolve. Self esteem issues are heartbreaking. It tears you apart if your teen doesn't have friends or fit in. You might notice that your teen is apathetic about life, or other alarming challenges. These things don't really apply to little kids.

amother

↑ NeonGreen ↓

Today at 6:43 am

amother Mauve wrote:

Minute by minute little ones are more draining.
But the worry! with teens. The constant strain.
Little ones, when they're asleep/in day care, out of sight, out of mind.
Teens eat you up from inside. Even when they're not around, you're worrying about them.

Put it this way. If you had full time help and a night nanny with little ones, you'd be ok. With teens, no way. The stress, pressure and worry goes with you every minute of the day and night.

I have all ages. Middle kids are the best. They're old enough not to be so draining and young enough for you not to be up all night worrying about them.

I found my girls got easier and my boys got harder. There's nothing like a hormonal teenage boy who thinks it's not man-like to express his emotions and takes them out on everyone around him, thinks he's invincible and can do whatever he wants, can't seem to settle to anything and is restless and looking for experiences.

This!
I totally don't relate to people who say boys get easier as they grow up. No, they think they are the most invincible. Drinking, vaping, smoking, driving without a license, drunk driving with friends, going anywhere at all hours of the night. They go to sleep late and oversleep in the mornings, missing school.

And the people who say teens help with the little ones. Teens trash their rooms, leave their stuff all over the house, use the kitchen and don't clean it properly afterwards. They tease the little kids, then complain it's too noisy and why were they even born. They curse incessantly to the point that I'm always afraid I'll get a phone call from school that my kindergartener is suspended for foul language.

Teens most definitely don't let you sleep when you're awake all night wondering what they're doing or how you can possibly keep them on the right track.

amother

Chambray ↓

Today at 6:43 am

The baby/toddler stage was brutal. I had 4 under 6 years old at one point... I have very few distinct memories of that stage. I remember the lack of sleep, the constant needs, the feeling that I never really got a chance to sit, or rest, that any little pocket of quiet could be ripped away at any second. My husband was in school for much of our early marriage, so I was most often alone. The boredom. The isolation. The loneliness. It really took a toll on me.

Most of my kids are middle school/high schoolers now. They're great kids, smart, kind, independent, fun, creative, helpful. We disagree sometimes. They fight sometimes. I worry about their friends and their camps and their highschool troubles. And I'm sure that as they get older still, shiduchim and watching them try to find their place in adulthood will bring new fears and hopes and heartbreaks.

But I don't think anything will challenge me the way their baby years did. Maybe because I can separate myself a bit at this point. There was no me when they were babies. I lost who I was completely. I'm sure I had a touch of depression during those years, but mostly it was the exhaustion and the loneliness, and the total lack of any sort of time or space or recourses to take care of myself. Now, I can sleep and eat and think. I can go out for a walk, go grocery shopping on my own, go to the bathroom by myself. My kids are their own people. Their success and failure and struggles are theirs. They have autonomy and choice.

Goodness. It's actually really hard to look back.

OP, it gets easier. In my experience, much much much easier.

amother

↑ Chambray

Today at 6:44 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

My teen boys do absolutely zero of the things you've mentioned.

I'm so sorry. That must be very hard.

amother

Jetblack ↓

Today at 7:50 am

Ok, so ive been up since 6 playing with my toddler and need to make sure boys are getting up.fot minyan bus but instead sitiing innthe floor typing this too lazy..... after waking up at 3am to take 4 year old to the bathroom (bh no nursing babies), after going to sleep around 1:00 after listening to other teens needs as they stressed because I was distracted listening to dd hash out her date before and after running out in the middle to not-so- close-but-not-distant-enough relatives childs chasuna from 11 to 1130 pm (Bh it was not beis feige!). This after meeting post sem dd in store to buy dress for bff chasuna because, sob, she still doesn't have a good one and getting home at 945 (this dd has a red light now, but that can change any week. Wink

.... but been on this emotionalroller coaster before so thats got nothing to do with "this" ), after driving hs dd to counselor interviews after first taking and printing a picture and coaching her to call people to ask to be references and what to say on interviews.

This was all after 8:00pm after the littles were in pjs !!!
(though not in bed asleep. LOL! they are mini teens and enjoing the matzav till who knows when.)

I wont talk about the rest of sunday afternoon and evening which was a whirl of other shopping and driving and car coordination with post hs dds and driving and shopping and telling dh to take hs ds for new hat shopping bein hsdorim because I wasnt making it during the 1.25 hpurs he has free and still shoppping and hes been calling me all last week at lunch that his hat has a tear from his snowball fight Banging head

can I take him at supper. NO. When he came home 930 at night, can I take him tomorrow. NO. Thats right. They only like to shop with me. However boys I have the option to make them go w dh)

This after fter a bh lazy morning of me chilling in my slinky skirt and hoodie with my littles and doing laundry while boys in yeshiva and teen and up dds slept or did whatever they do on sunday mornings ......until I had to do clubs pickup for my 7yo at 1230. Must. Do. That. Dressed. ----> Teens were up and watching.

still, OP I AGREE WITH YOU that nothing compares to sheer exausting physicality of kids only under the age of 4. Where every drink. Every bathroom. Every nose. Every sock, needs your involvement especially if dh away most of the day and YOU cant go to the bathroom or put on your stockings without fear of physical harm. After waking multiple times at night. And forget running out to a store or chasuna? Whos watching the kids (though by 11 in my sitch dh should be home Smile

)

However, the physicality of day I described above, plus all the emotional stuff and conversations I didnt include was why people say teens are harder.
This was a particularly rough day emotionally due to date and interviews and desperate dress shopping situation, but the physicality wasnt too different.
And these are good kids with minor problems.....bh no "big" problems youve heard from other posters or ive had on other days.

P.s. bh bh boys woke themselves up and left a long time ago while I typed this! Hs dd just left too! Omg. Ive been doing this for over an hour! (Intermittently). embarrassed

src6 ↓

Today at 7:52 am

I didn't vote because there was no option for tweens. 11-15 yo takes my kishkes out. They are bratty, self-centered, needy, moody... and they are no longer cuddly and cute nor are they reasonable and good company yet. Usually in about 11th grade, around 16yo, my kids matured enough that they became so enjoyable to have around!!

That being said, I do remember the mind-numbing weariness of the little kid years. I look back, honestly surprised, that they have passed (I have SIF and my 7 kids born over a period of 11 years, my youngest is 9). When I was in it I truly felt like it would N E V E R end. And I am amazed at how fast time really does fly.

And the hardest stage was losing my evenings. For so many years I had them tucked away by 7:30ish. And then I collapsed. Rested. Gave myself me time. Shmoozed with hubby. I found it so so so so challenging when I couldn't tell them to go to bed anymore. I always have to be "on". My attention, focus, mothering is needed until I go to bed. I can only have a private talk with DH if we leave the house. It's not the same as an interrupting 6yo. These are big people, sitting down to listen in and offer opinions on our conversations.

But I still feel a little sad knowing how quickly this stage will pass as well. Leaving me with an empty nest IyH, and plenty of me time.

↑ mommy3b2c

Today at 8:07 am

src6 wrote:

Did you just say you had SIF with 7 kids in 11 years ? Scratching Head

keym ↓

Today at 8:30 am

There's also imo a money piece

When I had 3 under 3, I was able to cut corners as much as possible by being cheap, cutting my work hours, making scrambled eggs and grilled cheese for supper, relying on mostly hand-me-downs and WalMart, living in a basement apartment, Chol Hamoed trip to a park.
Our pressure was so much less. I worked a bit more than PT, my husband learned and worked bain hasdarim, we were able to preserve our energy and even though we weren't working so much, we were able to cut costs and save some.

With teens, the expenses are insane so my husband is working ft+ and a commute plus my more than PT job. But we are maxed out more than we were and are squeezing so much in much less time.
And we can't cut costs. Tuition, especially high school and Bais Medrash and dorm, camp (even the costs to send a child to work), feeding them (I can't just do grilled cheese), clothing them (yeshivish boys clothes are expensive and never go on sale and you can't buy a hat in Walmart), GO fees and an occasional trip, and a proper 3-4 bedroom house even 2000 sq foot (cant squeeze into a small basement apartment).

I can't explain the financial pressure that's exploding with teens

amother

Burntblack ↓

Today at 9:29 am

giftedmom wrote:

That is the sweet spot. 7-9 or 7-10. They can already dress, bathe, mostly get out the door and back in by themselves. But they’re still so innocent and totally believe whatever you say. They’re still small enough to cuddle and the hormones aren’t raging yet.

Not necessarily at all. We get our period when we are 11 ( me, my oldest and next dd will likely as well) so the age you mentioned is when the hormones es are raging like crazy. I really feel like my 14 year old is easier now then when she was younger and my 10 year old is challenging. The hardest part of my teen is the thinking she's the third partner in raising her younger siblings... Which is definitely infuriating but she's still a lot calmer then she used to be.