What’s harder- little kids or big kids

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:56 pm

This is obviously very dependent on many factors, but I’m wondering how your experience is/has been.

I’m a mom to multiple little kids and I find it extremely exhausting. I have little patience left by the end of the day and dread the evening hours (dinner/bath/bedtime).

The mornings are also really hard since my kids wake up really early and depend on me for everything.

People always say little kids little problems, big kids big problems and how parenting only gets harder as the kids get older. That scares me. I think about it A LOT. If life is so chaotic now, I don’t have much to look forward to since it’s supposed to only get harder???

When my kids are home, I have zero privacy or space. I can’t use the bathroom in peace. The kids wake me in the morning and climb over me and throw books on my head while I’m in bed. They cling to me and they follow me around. If I try looking at my phone or make a call or talk to someone else they start vying for my attention. I can’t make dinner because they need to be supervised and get into trouble if I’m not watching them.

How can people say this is the easy stage?

So I’m curious how people really feel. Is raising little kids really that much easier than when kids get bigger and the issues are more dramatic? I’m trying to understand.

amother

Cadetblue ↓

Yesterday at 9:59 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Little kids are physically harder big kids are mentally harder. It’s a different kind of hard. What’s forsure is that the older your kids get the easier the little ones seem in comparison. At least to me.

No, to me I find myself having less patience and less creativity to keep the little ones engaged. Here and there we have moments and I get flashbacks to how it was like this all the time with my older ones when they were younger because there wasnt the older siblings around to distract me.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:08 pm

giftedmom wrote:

But what does mentally hard mean?

When the little kids are physically hard it affects me mentally and emotionally as well. I’m drained and overwhelmed a lot. They challenge my patience constantly. I’m not stimulated as I want to be. I’m busy entertaining. How is that only physical?

Maybe it’s just my personality. I don’t love the little kids stage. It’s boring and hard work at the same time. I prefer engaging with kids that I can have normal conversations with. I don’t know… I’m not sure. I’m just confused

Like having to buckle 3 kids into the car in the freezing weather is not just physical work, because it stresses me out and then I’m in a bad mood. And then they want to go into the car from the trunk, or through the front seat… like this isn’t just physical work. They test my patience.

Do older kids do annoying things like this constantly? Come out of their bed 10x every night? Challenge your sanity?

↑ giftedmom ↓

Yesterday at 10:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s kind of hard to explain. I didn’t either understand it until I reached that stage. But there’s a kind of heartbreak that comes with letting go. There’s an insecurity that comes when situations stop being black and white and you start constantly questioning yourself and your parenting. Tweens and teens have a way of zoning in on your weaknesses. Suddenly you’re not the final authority on everything. You’re questioned and challenged. Things are demanded. They push your boundaries. They butt into conversations. You think you have no privacy now? Wait until they think they’re a third partner in your marriage. Etc.

amother

Gardenia

Yesterday at 10:18 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I have this experience with my 6 yr old DD…

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:22 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I hear you, but there’s also so much letting go that needs to happen with little ones.

If they don’t want to eat what I serve them, I can force or let go. If they don’t want to wear what I put out for them, I can fight them or let go. I find myself constantly needing to let go of control with my little ones…

So maybe the letting go with older ones is more related to your sense of self and ego, but letting go is happening for me for a long time already and it’s very hard.

Butt into conversations? My kids don’t even let me talk in the first place. I cant have a conversation with DH because they’re constantly interrupting, sensing a threat to their attention… or needing to be heard RIGHT NOW.

I’m just seeing that they’re both very challenging. And maybe it depends on the personality of the parents?!

I just can’t accept that this is supposed to be the easier stage. It just can’t be.

amother

DarkRed ↓

Yesterday at 10:24 pm

OP, I'm in your stage! its really really hard.
I think people that passed it, forget how difficlut it was!
The saying "little kids, little problems etc" is really not appropriate
life is not a picnic
each stage has its hardships
I agree, raising little kids is extremely emotional work as well. lets not forget the 7 year old that is a real real teen....... yes I have one like that...
I do look forward to the stage when my kids are more independent, with each passing day I see them grow more and more independent.
the best chizzuk I got was from a neighbor with teen and young kids. she told me several times over the years "you should know, youre in the hardest stage. multiple little kids, who are dependent on you, and you dont have help, its so so draining. just know that it will get to easier days!" I tell this to people all the time. its literally what kept me sane....

I want to say one more thing, I still think the hardest stage in life is the stage when you have a few married kids/marrying off (hosting, babysitting for them), and still kids of various ages at home (maybe even a toddler) (entertaining, grooming, feeding, homework), some grandkids, and elderly parents.... that must be the most difficult stage.

amother

↑ DarkRed ↓

Yesterday at 10:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

People who passed the stage tend to forget how it was, I'm telling you!

amother

Turquoise

Yesterday at 10:30 pm

I didn’t understand it either . When I just had little kids, I didn’t think anything could be harder . How can it be ?
I was mentally & physically & emotionally drained all the time
I didn’t imagine there could even be anything worse
Bh they kids grew up & than honestly elementary school & middle school years weren’t all that bad
I had time to myself. I wasn’t always chasing my tail. The years were busy , but not insane .
Bliss & balance .
And then they became teens . And now I cry . Bitter , bitter tears .
Nothing in my life could have prepared me for the challenges I face .
One kid after the next. One issue after the next . Severe issues . Heart breaking . Things that tear your guts out .
Issues that take weeks to months to resolve . Meanwhile you have to function & run a house hold . Issues that won’t let you sleep at night
And if I thought my life was challenging then, oh boy I had no idea what would be in store for me.
And now Bh I have more kids than I originally had
Life has a way of working out that way
So physically I have little kids I am busy with .
Ages 1&3… so I am physically exhausted
Although having big kids in the house helps soooo much
And the mental stress of “ always being on “ isn’t on me
There are big teens around that play w/ the little kids
So that’s for sure I big help
My mentally & emotionally I am completely spent
It’s like being attacked on 2 fronts
To be fair , I was completely unprepared & had no idea what it takes to raises a frum family
Even though I became frum many years ago as a kid
20+ years ago
I had no idea what a frum home entails
I had no idea ( and neither did husband) what ground work had to be set from when kids were in middle school to ensure they grow up to be secure frum teenagers
I think we made many mistakes , bc we were in survival mode many years & just didn’t know any better
Now those kids are teens & the problems are heavy
And my heart is heavy
But is the work that Ribono shel Olam requires I guess
So one foot in front of the other I put
And iy”h after few more years, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel & we will see the fruits of our labor .

amother

Sage

Yesterday at 10:31 pm

Some ppl find little kids hard and others find bigger kids hard

Things that are harder with bigger kids:

You can't pawn them off like little kids. A mother who works a lot and has a nanny take her kids on and off the bus told me she feels that she needs to cut back now her kids are older.

When you have big kids the night never ends. They can go to bed after you at times.

Their challenges may grow with them. My anxious child became an anxious and depressed teen who struggles to go to shul and have a healthy functioning life, who can't be in a mainstream school anymore.

When my kids were little I was often exhausted from lack of sleep but now I have become exhausted from the drain of the challenges of raising my teen with mental health issues.

However, personally I like older kids better and I relate to them better. I can handle my kid telling me I'm an awful mother and cursing me but I can't handle needing to take care of a crying baby.

amother

Cobalt

Yesterday at 10:32 pm

It's harder to make things better. Ok food does help. But little kids they are a lot more clear cut in what they need. Teens are moody. They know how to push buttons. You worry if they are doing well in yeshiva/ friends etc. Especially if they choose a different derech. Also they want to talk when you want to go to sleep. So you talk. But if it's from a kid who is far away you answer the call and talk. And when they come back late at night you wait to hear the door.
I look back at the earlier times it was easier.

amother

Emerald

Yesterday at 10:32 pm

Quote:

I could not have said it better myself
And many of us haven't forgotten that little kid stage - I have little ones and big ones. At the end of the day (which starts at 5am and ends on a good night at 11pm) I drop into bed and just want to cry. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

amother

Magenta

Yesterday at 10:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

I

I just can’t accept that this is supposed to be the easier stage. It just can’t be.

Try not to focus on what’s easier or harder.

What you’re describing will 100% get easier. One day you’ll be able to breathe again with some personal space and kids who can take care of themselves. Maybe other things will get harder, but it’s not relevant now.

It’s like comparing your current life to your high school years… you didn’t have the pressure of kids but it was hard in other ways and I’d never want to go back to that… it’s just all so different, you can’t compare.

amother

↑ DarkGreen

Yesterday at 10:39 pm

Little kids are so physically taxing. It’s non stop from morning until night. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed with the physical tasks of keeping them alive Smile

when they get older, they become more self sufficient and don’t need you to do all that work for them. So the physical part goes away. But then, their emotions come out and challenges present themselves and it’s when the real inner work starts Smile

I personally enjoy that stage - I feel like they’re just little people in a big world - so innocent and fun and fascinating. That’s all I’m up to though - I don’t know how it gets further than young teens.

amother

Sand

Yesterday at 10:41 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Awww I’m so sad for this to happen.
My oldest is only 9.
😢