What’s harder- little kids or big kids

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 10:50 pm

amother DarkRed wrote:

OP, I'm in your stage! its really really hard.
I think people that passed it, forget how difficlut it was!
The saying "little kids, little problems etc" is really not appropriate
life is not a picnic
each stage has its hardships
I agree, raising little kids is extremely emotional work as well. lets not forget the 7 year old that is a real real teen....... yes I have one like that...
I do look forward to the stage when my kids are more independent, with each passing day I see them grow more and more independent.
the best chizzuk I got was from a neighbor with teen and young kids. she told me several times over the years "you should know, youre in the hardest stage. multiple little kids, who are dependent on you, and you dont have help, its so so draining. just know that it will get to easier days!" I tell this to people all the time. its literally what kept me sane....

I want to say one more thing, I still think the hardest stage in life is the stage when you have a few married kids/marrying off (hosting, babysitting for them), and still kids of various ages at home (maybe even a toddler) (entertaining, grooming, feeding, homework), some grandkids, and elderly parents.... that must be the most difficult stage.

Yeah exactly. Multiple little kids with no help is harder than multiple little kids and bigger kids, bec the bigger kids naturally help. Even just by being entertainment for them.

And I agree, being in every stage is for sure the hardest- you’re pulled in every possible direction.

But so far it seems that teens are the most challenging.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Yesterday at 10:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hear you, but there’s also so much letting go that needs to happen with little ones.

If they don’t want to eat what I serve them, I can force or let go. If they don’t want to wear what I put out for them, I can fight them or let go. I find myself constantly needing to let go of control with my little ones…

So maybe the letting go with older ones is more related to your sense of self and ego, but letting go is happening for me for a long time already and it’s very hard.

Butt into conversations? My kids don’t even let me talk in the first place. I cant have a conversation with DH because they’re constantly interrupting, sensing a threat to their attention… or needing to be heard RIGHT NOW.

I’m just seeing that they’re both very challenging. And maybe it depends on the personality of the parents?!

I just can’t accept that this is supposed to be the easier stage. It just can’t be.

Listen you asked I answered but if it makes things harder for you to consider then don’t think about it

amother

Cream ↓

Yesterday at 10:56 pm

OP I am here to validate you!
I totally agree that little kids are harder. At least for me.
And I am past your stage.
I currently have ages 2-19 and I am always in colllapsing mode. Do you know from what? My 2 and 4 year old! I literally say this every day that I am finding this the hardest stage of parenting so far. (Obviously I may very well find later stages harder...but this is all I know) My two youngest (boys) are so active and I get no break. Especially 2yo. I am constantly chasing my tail with him. But there are so many important things that need to get done around here due to having a large family with a variety of things to take care of (ex: HS application, seminary, shidduchim, talking to teachers, appt, teen girls clothing shopping..etc..) The big kids needs get so ignored due to everything revolving around the little ones. Very very stressful!
And yes, the teens help tons but it's still very difficult and it's hard that I can't give them what they need.

And just to calm you down since there are a lot of scary posts here - not all big kids are big problems. BH I can say my teens are pretty ok Thank you H-shem. I mean no one is perfect but they really don't all come with Big problems. I myself was an easy teen. Keep on davening and H-shem should help.

amother

NeonGreen

Yesterday at 10:58 pm

I wish OP I can tell you you're right. But there's nothing as challenging as teens who put themselves in dangerous situations without a seconds thought because they really think they are invincible and there's nothing you can do about it. Of course it depends on personality but little kids you can pretty much keep safe physically. Once they hit 15/16 it's like they have blinders on their common sense. Nothing scares them.
That said I have a very challenging toddler at the same time as these teens and she can drive me up the wall and back down every minute of the day.

amother

Pumpkin

Yesterday at 11:00 pm

For me little kids were much harder. I have more free time now and I can pursue more of my own goals. I don’t miss the physical work such as being up at night, playing on the floor with kids or dealing with tantrums.

But you have to be ready to do the inner work so that you mature along with your kids. You have to be ready to move past your ego and really accept each child as they turn out and you have to grow so that you can show up for them emotionally even if it’s in ways your not used to.

amother

Blushpink

Yesterday at 11:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is obviously very dependent on many factors, but I’m wondering how your experience is/has been.

I’m a mom to multiple little kids and I find it extremely exhausting. I have little patience left by the end of the day and dread the evening hours (dinner/bath/bedtime).

The mornings are also really hard since my kids wake up really early and depend on me for everything.

People always say little kids little problems, big kids big problems and how parenting only gets harder as the kids get older. That scares me. I think about it A LOT. If life is so chaotic now, I don’t have much to look forward to since it’s supposed to only get harder???

When my kids are home, I have zero privacy or space. I can’t use the bathroom in peace. The kids wake me in the morning and climb over me and throw books on my head while I’m in bed. They cling to me and they follow me around. If I try looking at my phone or make a call or talk to someone else they start vying for my attention. I can’t make dinner because they need to be supervised and get into trouble if I’m not watching them.

How can people say this is the easy stage?

So I’m curious how people really feel. Is raising little kids really that much easier than when kids get bigger and the issues are more dramatic? I’m trying to understand.

It all depends on the mother's strengths and weaknesses. I agree that when they are little it was so hard to the point of desperation. Because that's me.
When they get older you need a whole new set of skills that you don't think you have in you. They test you in ways that you think you can c"v lose them. You watch them go through things and it kills you. But BH you will enjoy the older stage because that is your strength. You will find the fortitude and the right classes and guidance and you will be proud to be mama of those special little people. You will get through this. You will learn how to see them and foster really special relationships with them be"h.

amother

↑ Cadetblue

Yesterday at 11:08 pm

amother Cream wrote:

I agree. I have big ones and little ones and I find little ones much harder. Maybe because my teens are only boys so far.

simcha12plus

Yesterday at 11:21 pm

amother DarkRed wrote:

this is me. I feel so lucky to be here.
but I have two marrieds, one with children BH
young adults
high schoolers
elementary kids
a toddler
a nursing baby.

my daughter had a baby. she lives far from me. I can’t go to her because traveling with my baby is hard and how much help can I be when I am waking up for night feedings for my own baby…
And how long can I leave my family of young kids who still need me?

I am a lucky lucky lucky mother that my older children are doing things I want them to do, but throw a bit of rebelliousness or other ideas into the mix, and we would be running back to the car seat/seatbelt stage.

Shidduchim is a stage, yeshiva, seminary, whatever.
but the toll of the little ones, especially when you don’t have any older ones around to help, is draining.

amother

Burgundy

Today at 12:06 am

I have ages baby to teen.

I always hated when ppl told me, "little kids little problems, big kids big problems". Recently a relative told me this as I was struggling with my little ones. And I responded -I actually have big kids now! And I disagree.

I find the baby & toddler stage the hardest by far. They are yummy, precious, adorable AND also take so much out of me, and perpetually keep me exhausted in a way my older ones just don't.

It's true older kids are more complex, more moody, more independent minded, not as ready to toe the line etc. But they don't keep me up all night AND wake up the crack of dawn, and need to be fed, and changed, and dirty diapers / toilet training / accidents, tantrums, it's never ending...

I find it easier to have both stages the same time in a way bec my big ones help hold the baby, entertain the young ones, and give me some more mature company. On the other hand they want me at night once my littles are finally down, and I can't let the house fall apart or make super super simple suppers like when I only had little ones. And I'm always feeling torn between older / younger ones needs. Still overall I think it's easier. Being able to go to the bathroom without taking the baby with me, or worrying what could happen without me around for 5 min is quite nice!

amother

Mauve ↓

Today at 12:25 am

Minute by minute little ones are more draining.
But the worry! with teens. The constant strain.
Little ones, when they're asleep/in day care, out of sight, out of mind.
Teens eat you up from inside. Even when they're not around, you're worrying about them.

Put it this way. If you had full time help and a night nanny with little ones, you'd be ok. With teens, no way. The stress, pressure and worry goes with you every minute of the day and night.

I have all ages. Middle kids are the best. They're old enough not to be so draining and young enough for you not to be up all night worrying about them.

I found my girls got easier and my boys got harder. There's nothing like a hormonal teenage boy who thinks it's not man-like to express his emotions and takes them out on everyone around him, thinks he's invincible and can do whatever he wants, can't seem to settle to anything and is restless and looking for experiences.

amother

↑ Cream

Today at 12:48 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

Yes re the supper thing- I can't just say Ok we're having grilled cheese for supper tonight. Big kids need real meals. But it's so hard while dealing with the little ones. The older ones are not always home when I want to be cooking supper.
I really don't understand how people say little kids aren't harder. Yeah the older kids need my mental energy, but I honestly am not able to give much due to the physical energy and time being used for the little kids.

amother

Cinnamon

Today at 12:55 am

amother Turquoise wrote:

I didn’t understand it either . When I just had little kids, I didn’t think anything could be harder . How can it be ?
I was mentally & physically & emotionally drained all the time
I didn’t imagine there could even be anything worse
Bh they kids grew up & than honestly elementary school & middle school years weren’t all that bad
I had time to myself. I wasn’t always chasing my tail. The years were busy , but not insane .
Bliss & balance .
And then they became teens . And now I cry . Bitter , bitter tears .
Nothing in my life could have prepared me for the challenges I face .
One kid after the next. One issue after the next . Severe issues . Heart breaking . Things that tear your guts out .
Issues that take weeks to months to resolve . Meanwhile you have to function & run a house hold . Issues that won’t let you sleep at night
And if I thought my life was challenging then, oh boy I had no idea what would be in store for me.
And now Bh I have more kids than I originally had
Life has a way of working out that way
So physically I have little kids I am busy with .
Ages 1&3… so I am physically exhausted
Although having big kids in the house helps soooo much
And the mental stress of “ always being on “ isn’t on me
There are big teens around that play w/ the little kids
So that’s for sure I big help
My mentally & emotionally I am completely spent
It’s like being attacked on 2 fronts
To be fair , I was completely unprepared & had no idea what it takes to raises a frum family
Even though I became frum many years ago as a kid
20+ years ago
I had no idea what a frum home entails
I had no idea ( and neither did husband) what ground work had to be set from when kids were in middle school to ensure they grow up to be secure frum teenagers
I think we made many mistakes , bc we were in survival mode many years & just didn’t know any better
Now those kids are teens & the problems are heavy
And my heart is heavy
But is the work that Ribono shel Olam requires I guess
So one foot in front of the other I put
And iy”h after few more years, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel & we will see the fruits of our labor .

If you don’t mind, with our most sensitivity- what mistakes do you feel you made when they were younger? I’d like to learn from them too.

amother

Steel

Today at 1:22 am

I voted little kids are hardest.

Maybe I'm naive and not one to talk because my teen is 13.5. Although very much a teen. And we've gone through plenty of challenges with her.

Because of her challenges I work so hard on having a strong relationship with her and on being someone she can lean on and cry to and trust. And I work hard to help her have a sense of self. And BH she's respectful and we have a good relationship and she's not the nightmare stereotype chutzpahdik angry teen that people describe or that I once was to my mother. I hope it stays like this! I do believe it can. I think (hope) parenting teens is my strong suit and that it's having an impact on her behavior and our relationship.

The baby / little kid stage is so hard for me. I'm low energy to begin with and don't handle the constant busyness and chaos well.

ETA
There's also factor of expectations/perspective. As in, I know the it's a normal part of teenagehood to push back, call you out on your weaknesses, roll their eyes etc. So I try to not be overreactive and be a safe person for her to express all that respectfully.

My mother had massive anger issues and couldn't handle us teens it was constant fighting and screaming back and forth and I learned from her how NOT to parent 😂 (she had good qualities to learn from too)