Raising your kids in a diverse community

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:04 am

amother Navyblue wrote:

I don’t think this true at all. I know people in diverse communities that were not accepted and were judged terribly for being “too frum”. It’s really not the utopia everyone pretends it is.

Then it wasnt as diverse as they thought.
A truly diverse community really will accept everyone.

amother

↑ Periwinkle ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:06 am

amother Beige wrote:

Having spent a few childhood summers as the only observant Jewish child and usually the only Jewish child, period, in an inner-city public-school summer day camp, I wouldn't want my children to grow up that way. It is a very tough and less than pleasant position to be in, even if the other kids are friendly. You feel like a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific. That said, there is value to learning how to interact with people of different backgrounds and with the outside world in general while retaining your own principles and way of life. I understand why people want to live in a totally insular environment -- it's simply easier and less challenging. But it's also restrictive and stultifying, and risks making you narrow-minded and intolerant. Furthermore, not everyone is cut out for that kind of existence, and the backlash can be severe when such a person discovers that there is a whole other world out there.

I don't think anyone here is saying diverse as in secular diversity. We are saying diversity within the jewish frum communities.
I would never want my child to be the only frum jew. Im sorry you had to go through that.

amother

↑ Navyblue

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:09 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Then it wasnt as diverse as they thought.
A truly diverse community really will accept everyone.

That’s simply not true. Being a diverse community doesn’t automatically give you good middos or make you not judge. And how can you make such statements about every community. You think diverse communities are diverse with the exception of being uniform when it comes to judgment? It’s not how it works.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 1:31 am

We live in a religiously diverse community. My kids go to school with children from both religious and non-religious backgrounds (all Jewish.) Some of their classmates drive on Shabbat and do not keep kosher, some keep a form of Shabbat and Kashrut that is below what we're comfortable with, etc.

It is not without its challenges. When everyone is doing their own thing, you have to intentionally think about how you're going to tell your child why their friend's family, who they saw davening in shul that morning, is spending the afternoon at the pool club, but you're not. You need to find a way to say it without implying that the other family is doing something bad, and you need to thread the needle of not making your kid feel like they're missing out for being more religious/frum. It's hard! It's definitely much easier to live in a religiously homogeneous environment that doesn't come with parenting challenges like that.

That said, it's also beautiful and very worth it. My kids have grown up with a sense of areivut and connection to Jews around the world, regardless of their observance, that's truly special. But even moreso, my kids feel an ownership of their yiddeshkeit in a way that I never did, growing up in a religiously homogeneous community. They know that their choices belong to them. They understand why we do, why they do, the things they do. They own their religious experience in a way that kids growing up in a non-diverse religious community never can.

All that said, I do believe that once they hit a certain age, peer pressure comes into play, so we sent our kids to religiously homogeneous high schools. Which ultimately, feels like the best of all worlds--raise them in a religiously diverse community as kids, so they can be tolerant and respectful of different kinds of people and own their own frumkeit, and then surround them with frum peers when they get to be high school aged.

amother

Trillium

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 1:54 am

[quote="[
As parents we don’t fit in in a conformist place. Our kids for the most part fit in nicely. It is a sacrifice we made for the chinuch of our children that they shouldn’t be exposed to the secular world’s shenanigans. Their friends are who they emulate and want to be like. We are happy to be loners for the sake of their chinuch but we have a few select down to earth friends who are diverse but who don’t mingle with our children.

My kids were just asking why our chessed girl doesn’t have the same hashkafa as us and I explained to them u dont need to have our hashtags to be close to Hashem. U just need yiras shamayim.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 4:19 am

Thank you everyone for your take on this.
My girls school does divide by the frumkeit of the home but it’s still a huge mix. Some keep cholov yisroel, some don’t. Some wear leggings and shorts socks, some don’t. Some watch movies, some don’t. The school definitely provides secular books for the English department. The English teachers aren’t required to cover their hair or legs. The Hebrew department hires mainly yeshivish teachers. It’s really a combo of both worlds. My oldest is in 5th grade and so far is a conformist. She follows very easily what we do at home. My 3rd grader is having a harder time with covering elbows, knee socks etc. she is the one that got me thinking maybe it isn’t the best idea to send to such a school. On the other hand, I cannot live in a place where I’m don’t feel like I’m “good enough”. I can’t have people not letting my kids play with their kids because we are more open minded and worldly. I BTDT too many times over and it’s a horrible feeling. I can’t have schools calling me about the way my husband dresses etc. it’s really tough to find a place that has a healthy balance. I actually don’t even think it exists.

amother

↑ Periwinkle

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 7:21 am

amother OP wrote:

1. She is still very young
2. Even some girls coming from homogoneous, conforming communities have difficulty with aspects of tznius.

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 7:42 am

Chayalle wrote:

The principal of my DD's very in-town school told someone very close to me that she personally grew up OOT with alot of exposure, etc....and she feels that it creates greater resilience in terms of one's frumkeit. You raise your kids to know who they are and what their standards should be in the world. It has benefits that an in-the-box community doesn't have. Yes there are benefits to living in-town but make no mistake, your community BY school has benefits as well. Just make sure you are the address to discuss any questions your kids may have, keep communication open and healthy.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha.

The principal of your dd’s school is probably around 40 years older than her. The world is a different place now. I went to a very mixed school and understand the benefits she’s talking about but wouldn’t want it for my kids.