S/o teen saying I have too many kids

amother

↑ Smokey

Wed, Oct 16 2024, 3:42 am

amother OP wrote:

Op here

If this kid never gets any private time I’d understand her outburst and expression of need. Every other kid got 2 minutes each to be tucked in. She needed to wait a total of 6 minutes. She yentas to me nightly for 1-2 hours. So she knows she gets a lot of time. More than the other kids who aren’t so needy. Like a diff poster said, she just wanted me to do what she wanted NOW and to h-ll with the rest of the family. She can be selfish like that, like hogging the bathroom for 2 hours Friday afternoon when everyone needs showers and we’re all banging down the door.

One therapist we work with that she complained to about me how I wasn’t doing what she wanted calmly looked at her and said “ I work with MANY kids. I’ve never met anyone so calm and dedicated like your mother. Most parents would never tolerate this behavior,” not in that way, more softer so she would get the point, that she has support for her issues. People dropping everything to do her bidding is not the goal here.

Irrespective of what any therapist - who doesn’t live with you says, the answer you gave just reinforces her behavior because it becomes YOU v.s. Me and not we are a team and I love you but mommy needs enough time for everyone
End on a positive note, dont respond to hurt, affirm love.
There is no need to denigrate her

Chayalle

Wed, Oct 16 2024, 9:58 am

amother OP wrote:

So my 13 year old dd complained to me that I have too many kids. Not because she needed to help or babysit. (She happens to be particularly unhelpful compared to my other kids). Because she wanted to have a long discussion with me by bedtime. And I told her she can wait until I’m done tucking the younger ones into bed and kissing them goodnight. So she got annoyed that she needed to wait a few minutes and said “you shouldn’t have had so many kids” and I’m not too ashamed to say I told her “great, you’ll be the first one I give away” it kind of shocked her (she’s a very hard kid, very demanding, ). And she said that’s not what I meant!

How bad of a mother am I to have said that? And that I don’t even feel bad about it, she should take a long hard look in the mirror at her behavior. (Yes we’re in therapy, for many issues she has)

I think I would have worded it a bit different perhaps (more like, which one of my kids should I not have had? I love all of them just like I love you!) but I think your daughter is just communicating some information here about her feelings, and you should take it as that. At another time you could communicate to her that she can say her needs a bit more respectfully, and that her comments were not appropriate.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Oct 16 2024, 10:29 am

amother Hawthorn wrote:

It’s actually what popped into my head when I read the other thread. For a kid to feel they are the important one and the others are the extras that shouldn’t have been born is kinda disturbing. I don’t think it’s so bad that you said it, it put what she said into perspective. I’m constantly telling my kids that when they lash out and basically erase the existence of their siblings with their lashing out it’s very hurtful to their siblings. And they need to be more mindful of what they say.

I was thinking that too. When I was a teenager I remember getting upset that I had to do everything. my siblings should help out.
Even and I still stand by this one if their your kids their your responsibility not mine. But never they shouldn't have been born.