Raising your kids in a diverse community

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 3:34 am

I’m asking based on a conversation I had. I am raising my kids in a diverse community. My kids are in a community school and are exposed to all types of people. I value diversity because my husband is a unique guy and he found space in a place that’s not judgemental. On the flip side, my kids are much more educated about the world and know kids that do things that we won’t allow. There’s definitely an over exposure that bothers me sometimes but I hope I give my kids the skills to make the right choices. The woman I was talking to had a massive argument with me why would I not want my kids to be only with likeminded people. She absolutely couldn’t understand why I would choose to raise my kids in a place that I know for a fact will expose them much more. I tried explaining to her that these are personality differences. Some people that don’t fit the Mold feel like failures in such a setting but thrive in a place that values what they have to offer even though they don't fit exactly into the in town box. Now obviously this argument is going to be divided between the two styles of parenting but I want to know how many people out there appreciate diversity and how many would rather raise their kids in an environment that has very limited exposure to other types of people. Am I crazy for thinking this way? Am I missing something?

Green Tea

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 4:52 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

No, you are not crazy. Personally I think diversity is important fot kids to see.
But there are many who do not want this and want to live in a cookie cutter sheltered community.

I also believe and want some version of diversity for my children. I think you can have both to some extent. You are not alone.
The only difference for me is that living in Israel you don’t have as many “bad” influences as in America and I have an option to send to an English speaking modern orthodox school for my children, so I know for a fact they won’t be around non-Jews and will still have a frum environment. I think if you’re in the states a Zionist/jewish oriented school is basic and I wouldn’t do anything less than that.
In my view it is more important to be tolerant of people rather than shun them, but still maintain a critical inner core of your values and boundaries.

amother

Daphne

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:00 am

Green Tea wrote:

In israel?

wanttobehappy

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:23 am

What exactly are u gaining by over exposing? So they have friends who watch a ton of tv? Have smart phone are on line have Social media? Exposed to se xally active teens. Kids who experimented or where offered drugs? I am happy ur so confident ur kids will say no exp if there Freinds are telling them how amazing it is.. I am actually very very open minded and have friends of all walks of life and even none Jews but for my kids I would love to be there main source of information for as long as possible. I am very honest… and open but I don’t see any pluses to over exposing. Unless I am completely comfortable with them doing as there friends do.. there is always that chance why play with fire?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:50 am

wanttobehappy wrote:

No. I should have been more clear. It’s a Bais Yaakov just a community school. You have girls that the fathers are rabbeim and girls that the mother will expose hair. Nothing like what you’re describing.

amother

Hunter

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 6:26 am

There is merit in both approaches. We chose a less divers community because our oldest is highly influenced by the kids around her and we felt it would be best for her in her formative years.

I personally grew up in a community that was more diverse (all orthodox, but ran the full spectrum of women in t shirts and shorts to men in bekeshes and streimels). It gave me something that I couldn't have gotten as much in a more single-minded community. A true ahavas yisrael and tolerance for those from all walks of life, and true unity and community with other Jews who are different. Out of all the things about my upbringing and the community I grew up in, this one is by far my favorite and most useful to me in life. Notably, most of the kids I grew up with turned out more or less like their parents (I'm a bit to the right of mine, but pretty close). I remember a parent once asking my mom if she wasn't worried about whether I might be influenced badly by girls who came from homes that weren't really frum, but my mother said that she never worried about me being affected by bad influences and really that it was me who was a good influence on the other kids (which is what the other moms always told her).

I would have loved to raise my kids in such a diverse environment, however I saw that my oldest is just different than I was and needs the stability of peers who are similar to her religiously. We do make sure to have friends and family and other exposure to different type of Jews, so they still get some sense of ahavas yisrael and achdus, though it really isn't the same at all. But you have to know your children. For me, I don't think it was as much of a different view of parenting, as much as it was working with the kids I have.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 7:24 am

amother OP wrote:

All within the frum community. A range from yeshivish to modern.

Will you be upset if your kids will want to do what their friends do? If you don't care, then it's great. If you expect them to be different than their classmates then you're putting them in a tough and unfair situation. Peer pressure is real. Other lifestyles can be much more tempting and if you expose them to it at a young impressionable age you must be comfortable with them choosing a lifestyle that may not be in line with your hashkafa and preference.
It's easier for kids to grow up with like minded people and not stand out or be different.
So it really depends how much you care that they behave like the ones you put them in a class with.

amother

Navyblue ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 7:42 am

We used to send to a diverse BY in a diverse community and ended up moving to a less diverse community. Not for that reason it just worked out that way. Comparing my kid’s experiences now I don’t see that they gained in the diverse one. They discussed the negative differences a lot, didn’t seem to pick up on most positive ones. Sometimes they told me it bothered them that kids used language they know is wrong, or spoke about what we considered inappropriate movies or books. Even within a cookie cutter community you do have some diversity because humans are never exactly the same. So I don’t feel like they are super sheltered. It just feels like an overall better experience to me. And I was in the camp that thought diversity was amazing before I put my kids into such a school.

Chayalle ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 8:40 am

The principal of my DD's very in-town school told someone very close to me that she personally grew up OOT with alot of exposure, etc....and she feels that it creates greater resilience in terms of one's frumkeit. You raise your kids to know who they are and what their standards should be in the world. It has benefits that an in-the-box community doesn't have. Yes there are benefits to living in-town but make no mistake, your community BY school has benefits as well. Just make sure you are the address to discuss any questions your kids may have, keep communication open and healthy.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha.

amother

Mistyrose ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 8:42 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Totally depends what you mean by "diversity."

Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's taken too far and causes a lot of harm.

This!!

Sometimes it’s best not to expose them to certain ideas or people who aren’t frum if they are outwardly trying to convince you what they doing is permissible or try to be open minded

hamevin yavin..

With young kids it’s less likely they’ll be around such people but as you get older and with what’s out there nowadays I’d be much more concerned and careful

Don’t be naive be proactive

To each family on their own hashkafas but it’s a issue across the board it’s not the 90s

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 8:55 am

I think the advantage to a more diverse community is avoiding the disadvantage of a more uniform community. Diverse communities are less judgmental, less keeping up with the Jones's... You don't need to feel like you must stay inside a very narrow box to be a good Jew. I think diverse communities better prepare you for the realities of the outside world and teach true ahavas Yisroel. Every community with have its positives and negatives. The downside is that you may be exposed to different things....there is no perfect place. You need to decide what works best for you.

amother

Calendula ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 9:00 am

MO and we also send to a mixed school in a mixed community where MO is a minority and most people are JPF or yeshivish. Chabad families also send to the community schools until eighth grade.

I am happy for my kids to have diverse friends. I respect and require my kids to respect their friends' boundaries around things like videos, computers, nail polish, when they have a playdate or sleepover.

The downside of sending to a community school is that the school hashkafos are not in line with ours and the overall approach to education is different. We supplement both kodesh and chol, which requires extra effort and the quality is not the same as if they were being taught in school. Late afternoon attention span and focus are just not as good.

We also regularly have to explain and discuss issues with our kids in response to things their classmates or teachers say. This part I don't mind, I think it has actually made us a lot more thoughtful and proactive parents.

amother

Olive

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 9:38 am

I think you have to know your children.

My oldest attends a technically RW MO all girls high school, but some of the families are definitely more LW. She has some lovely friends who don't dress according to school standards outside of school and she's come across some kashrus issues at one friend's house. We've encouraged her to develop a relationship with our shul Rabbi or one of the rebbeim in school so she can ask sheilas herself as they come up. It's a good lesson to learn early in life. We also know that our daughter is deeply committed to Judaism. She is meticulous about davening every day and enjoys learning Torah for its own sake, not just for a test. We have never had any issues with her dressing b'tznius (standard elbows, knees, and collarbone covered and nothing too tight) even if her friends are wearing short sleeves and pants. DD has always been an independent person and a deep thinker who does what she knows is the right thing rather than the easiest. She has never been one to do things because other people are doing them.

However, at this point we don't think we would send our next daughter to the same high school. We have a few years until we get to that point, but our second daughter is definitely more of a conformist who notices what the popular girls wear or do and wants to fit in. We think she would do better at a slightly more sheltered type of high school where she wouldn't have as much temptation.

amother

Latte ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 9:46 am

To sum it up so far - it comes down to parenting. Know what your kids need and be a hands on parent.

Personally - I think a heavily non-diverse environment doesn't provide critical lifeskills for our children. Similarly, a heavily diverse environment can be detrimental in different ways. A healthy mix, where you have some level of diversity and conformity is not enforced, is the best environment. Parents can actually parent in such an environment, and have options for various kids needs.