My DS is going to make me lose it

TwinsMommy

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:50 pm

What about making a payment plan to have him help pay for it? By the time he realizes it will take months to earn the $$ even WITH some help from you, he may lose interest so the safety factor isn't a concern anymore?

Honestly at that age, for a neurotypical child, if he'd proven good responsibility and safety (helmets, reflectors, etc) with a regular bike, and he paid for part, I'd seriously consider it. And I come from an unusual perspective..... MY very non-neurotypical 17 year old boy isn't even allowed to WALK the block by himself until he proves he can LOOK at driveways to see if cars are pulling out. Smile

amother

Offwhite ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 9:47 pm

amother Canary wrote:

Not every man can afford a Tesla and that’s life.

I don't recall op mentioning a,financial issues contrary she says she'd rather pay car service than let him ride evoke.

-most men get cars .Tesla or other.
-when kids have a need if it's very important to them they will look to fill it. Sometimes as parents it is important to "give in" to Something that we don't agree with or feel is safe or best for child.but when done on our terms it will be safer than if child does it on their own (borrowing a random scooter then you have no control of speed location helmet etc.or put having without your permission) if we really believe tgis,is so important to child and not just a passing fad, or they are getting their hands on one anyway. Then some times the pros outway the cons in having them purchase (with their own money) a device that meets all our parental requirements and is used with following our rules (controlled speed, specific location, helmet)

amother

↑ Moonstone

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 10:06 pm

amother Canary wrote:

Not every man can afford a Tesla and that’s life.

Many people can’t afford the expensive simchas they make, supporting their children, etc. A lot of people even go into debt to pay for things because it’s considered a “standard” in the community

And this isn’t even a money issue

The point is the answer can’t just be “not everyone needs the same things” because at the end of the day this is literally all he sees in the adults and community around him, besides that it’s human nature

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 8:23 pm

Yes, it's true. He's the only one in his class who does not have one.

(Well he technically does, but more on that in a minute.)

We offered to help him change schools, where the ratio will be much lower, but he said no for the last two years. (I understand that as well.)

A regular bike is impossible for the Monsey hills and the distance between school and home for us.

Pedal assist, I looked into it, I think it was similar situation.

He's not actually missing out socially, so here we go.
For pesach bein hazmanim he complained so much about how I'm going to kill his social life, that we bought him one and he used it for 2.5 weeks. He went to one friend a day. Some days no place. And from that friend they MAYBE went to one other friend. He had made it sound like from davening till sundown, they are all flying around in groups and hanging out and lunch dates and blah blah.
Anyway, he knows that we will rather allow him to begin the license process as soon as possible. That means, permit at 16 and I think junior license at 16.5 complete with giving him a car.

I hear his issue, but as I'm reading what I just wrote, he is a spoiled brat. In my lifetime I would not dream of allowing my child to drive at that age. (and yet here I am, teaching him occasionally, he's decent by now).

Today he came home, I picked him up (because he didn't want car service) I made sure to have a ton of his favorite food (another issue if not) and then he starts complaining that, that means that it'll be a year before he gets a junior license (apparently you need 6 months from permit to junior license) and what's the point by then and blah blah. I had already gotten him the permit book. and done some paperwork to get stuff sorted for then etc.

Come on kid. You need to work with me here. I am so happy to have him. he's great. but he's also making me feel like I'm going to go nuts.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:04 am

And... the fun continues. It's almost 5 am, and I've been up for last hour and half. Last night he went on and on and on about the fact that we don't allow him to have an ebike.

I still think they are super dangerous (I've heard so many first hand stories that do not make it to any news stuff).

I've been thinking too, if he cannot hear a no, how do you get through life? I mean gd says no all the time, and life is full of difficulties. I'd certainly hope he has a good life, but maybe at this point, it's not even about the bike anymore, learn some life skills about how life is going to be perfect, and sometimes you need to accept a no. Will you get every job you apply for? Will you get married at the age you want to? Have the number of kids/genders that you want?

I feel like I want to stand my ground on this one. But, I'm also worried about him. He doesn't seem to know how to handle his emotions, he's going crazy about this. I asked him if he'd like to see a therapist to discuss his feelings etc, and he flat out refused.

I pointed out to him that by focusing on this 24/7 he's causing harm to himself, and to please try to distract a little. Nothing doing.

He kept me up late last night with his hysteria about this, and now I woke up and cannot fall back asleep.

He's legit starting to sound insane. "So if someone is in a car service and they get into an accident, and they die" I said then they did their hishtadlus to stay safe and whatever happens is what gd wanted. "So then if they died anyway they may as well have had a bike like they wanted" Can't Believe It

"I'm going to take your car" I said okay, and do what. "get out of here" I said okay, and go where? "away". "Fine I'm purposely going to borrow a friends one, and get into an accident and end up in the hospital". (He's really smart and used to be very calm, I promise)

Any advice?

He'll be 16 in a few months, and I told him that at 18, he's an adult and he can make choices then (whether they are smart or not) and to hold on a little longer if he thinks we are the worst

↑ OddoneOut1

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 5:41 am

amother OP wrote:

This sounds so challenging but you sound like a really good mother

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 6:16 am

imaima wrote:

I would davka not buy it now

My husband is staying calm, but he's getting annoyed at him, and I told my son that if he keeps this up, then the driving option will go away until he's able to do it on his own at 18. He's refusing all logic right now.

I could (maybe if I'll be strong enough), to be kind to him (right now I'm really annoyed at him) and if he brings up the topic just walk away (I've told him before I will).
BUT, I'm worried about him and his not knowing how to blow off steam. He's going bonkers.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 6:20 am

I'm sad. I worked so hard at DBT and emotion regulation skills, but he's making it really really hard for me to stay calm. He's bringing up stuff from 3 years ago. Yelling that we don't let him do anything. I'm like give me an example. Smoke. Um, okay. you're not getting my approval for that. An MP4. I said look, I don't think that watching movies is good for you, do you feel like you really need to. He's like no I'm just trying to make a point.

I think the point you're making is that while you're very very smart, and mature, right now, due to being a teenager you're legit nutso, and making me nutso. Congratulations, you're doing a fine job.

amother

Starflower ↓

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 6:40 am

A few things:

1. Stop engaging. When he complains, what ifs, hmmm empathetically but don't get drawn in
2. on similar lines: stop taking responsibility for his happiness.
3. Check into his social life - I don't believe that the ebike is the reason why he is struggling socially but he clearly isn't happy
4. If he already has an ebike (you said you bought one) what's the whole story?

You are taking way too much responsibility for him. You don't need to make him happy. It's his choice whether to be happy or not. By allowing yourself to feel that this is your fault, you are projecting to him the feeling that his happiness is in your hands. Which it isn't.

He will never grow up until he stops blaming other people for his situation. He has to learn to accept the situation and move forward.

So instead of discussing, next time try saying to him "this is the way things are. The ball is in your court now, what are you going to do about it?"

He can choose to moon around the house kvetching. After a few hours, point out to him that in that time he could have xyz and he chose to sit and be miserable.

Eventually he'll get fed up and be proactive.
But you have to step out of the way first.

(Signed mother of 18 yr old who does NOT have an ebike and has thankfully come to accept that.)

amother

↑ Starflower

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 6:41 am

amother OP wrote:

No.
The point he is making is that you are not giving him space to make his own decisions.

Ok.
He may not be ready to make THOSE decisions.
But are you giving him space to make other decisions?

Ask him, are you demonstrating your ability to make adult decisions? Give me some examples?

AlwaysGrateful

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 8:45 am

I agree that you need to stop engaging.

I say no to my kids all the time, usually about things that involve safety, but also about things that involve money, or that I"m against on principle.

I hear them out, I respond to them, but when I feel like we're going in circles, that's my sign to disengage. To just say "I love you. I don't feel like this conversation is productive anymore. I'm going to go do X now. You're welcome to come with me or to stay here, but I don't want to continue the conversation.

amother

Burntblack

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:01 am

amother OP wrote:

What happened after you bought him one and he used it for 2.5 weeks? Where is it now?