Do you give money to your son in Beis Medrash?

amother

Purple

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:35 pm

amother Lemon wrote:

That's a pretty harsh statement! OP is paying 20k in tuition, I'm sure she can think of better ways to spend that money if she was so self centered.

Op is not self centered just a patent in a pinch trying to do their best.
Yes son needs money from folks to pay for expenses.
Bottom line maybe it's time for people to rethink this part of the system. If after $20,000 tuition a person can't afford to give their child money to cover basic necessities (it doesn't sound like he is asking for money to pay for fancy extras) then child/young adult should not be sent to an institution that cost $20grand!
Every (girl and )boy does not need to be out of town living in a dorm.
Maybe this should be saved just for the rich or those kids who really do not have a home to live in!

amother

↑ Grape ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:43 pm

Yes, my tuition is cheaper than 20k.

But my kids really rarely spend other than bare basics (buying more toiletries, haircut, laundry). My son in Israel does need to buy a little food (really not a lot) and my other son rarely buys food. Really almost never go out to eat. So the basics is not so much money a month.

We do sometimes say no for the extras, and they'll spend their own money. My son worked in a camp for 3 weeks and made over $1000. It's not a ton, but a few summers like this quickly add up.

↑ keym

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:44 pm

OP, I would do 2 things to start.

1) have your son track his spending divided into needs and wants.
Haircut, laundry, mikva (depending on community), basic food for when the meals are inedible. Those are needs.
Other stuff maybe is wants or luxuries.

2) speak to your son to see if there are job opportunities either in yeshiva itself, or doable. Maybe even speak to the yeshiva itself if they are looking for vekkers, boys to stock the soda machine, waiters, etc.

Personally, I follow the rules that I pay for all needs and some wants.
My kids are responsible on their own at that age for all luxuries and some wants.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:49 pm

neonpink I hear what you're saying but you're sort of missing the piont. The reason I posted here and not in chinuch, is b/c this is financial. It's not that I believe that once a kid turns 18 they're on their own. It's more that he's 18, that's a lot older and more independent than my toddler and preschool who need therapy, which without it their development will be impeded. This isn't a chinuch question, am I doing the right thing - although a lot of responses really gave me food for though re chinuch (case in point - letting him go to camp).

I guess I'm totally naive. Everyone is saying, just ask for a tuition break. Never in all of our years has it been easy to get a tuition break, even when we really needed it! Am I living on a different planet? How are people getting breaks so easily?
It's starting to make me wonder if the breaks are coming b/c people like us pay full? And my kids are now suffering b/c of it?

lamplighter ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 2:32 pm

I definitely think it's worth asking for a break and see if that comes through.
Aside for that, what is coming through is a lack of planning. What was the plan for this year?
I agree 20k is a ton of money and in theory he is old enough to make money and be independent, but that's not the case in point. He's in the yeshiva system where he isn't making his own money so what was the plan for spending money?
What is the plan for spending money?
When you calculated the 20k did you assume he wouldn't need spending money?
The cost of yeshiva is not his problem, unless he specifically begged to go to this yeshiva and you said you can't afford it etc. If that was the case a discussion about him helping with spending money costs could have been discussed as a precondition.
This is the yeshiva system, boys are not financially independent when in yeshiva, we continue to pay for their expenses through yeshiva regardless of how old they are. Nothing happens at 18 that he is now self supporting. If you wanted that, you should have discussed that when he was 15, 16 and planned for it.
Now you need to work out an allowance for his spending money. Discuss what he needs spending money for and work out what a realistic number is.

Last edited by lamplighter on Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Grape

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 3:36 pm

Ask the yeshiva if they have workstudy.

My husband's yeshiva gave my in-laws a break on condition my husband did workstudy. My husband had to work (organize, label sefarim when the text on the spine was worn, etc) in the otzer sefarim I think it was an hour or 2 a week. So my husband didn't see a dime from his work, but my in-laws got a break for this.

But I've heard of yeshivos that will do this and give the bachur a stipend. It's a little of his time, but gives him some pocket money.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 3:56 pm

I never heard of workstudy. Thanks for mentioning it.
What was the plan? The plan was that we would buy everything for him in advance - laundry detergent, snacks etc, and he would use his little bit of spending money that he has for things like mikvah, take the bus (or walk). But then he got wind that his friends are getting money from their parents for spending (if that's true).

heidi

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 4:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am so confused by this question
If you can't afford to give him spending money then he can get a job
But if he gets a job, he's a worker/learner, not a pure learner and then he won't get a shidduch where Her parents can give him spending money.
Does this system sound normal to you?

mom24b ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 4:20 pm

I didn’t read all the responses but seeing that I have one son in Israel and 2 others in out of state Yeshiva’s I will answer YES. Every son out of town has our credit card. I feel better knowing they have it if/when they need it. One of mine hardly uses it because he has no need to, because of where his yeshiva is and has little access to food I usually send him Instacart orders and deliveries. Another one of my sons wasn’t using the card appropriately at first he just swiped and swiped but I spoke with him about it and that stopped. My husband wanted to give my son in Israel a budget (you can limit spending amount on their credit card) I’m the one who said no because I’m scared my son will take shortcuts; walk places that aren’t safe and do things that are dangerous if he’s on a strict budget. I rather he has the means to pay for what he needs then to try to hitchhike or other things that can be dangerous. There is no way for these boys to have enough money for their own expenses if they are in yeshiva. That being said my boys yeshivas do not cost anywhere near $20,000. It’s not ideal for numerous reasons but the way the system is I don’t see a choice.

amother

↑ Bubblegum

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:08 pm

What can I say OP, we pay full tuition, similar to the quote you stated, and BH we have enough to also give them spending money. I know this isn’t particularly helpful to you but you have asked this question a few times with no answers so… that’s my answer 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Yes, we BH pay full tuition. Yes we BH provide them spending money.

amother

Topaz ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:09 pm

One son is not responsible with money so I give for laundry and not much else. He earned money this past summer and he got a job in yeshiva clearing sefarim so he spends his own money.

Another son wanted to go to a more expensive yeshiva with friends who are a bad influence on him and we convinced him to go to a better (cheaper) yeshiva away from those friends and promised him extra spending money if he agreed since he's saving us from going to a less expensive place. He also has a hard time sitting through the day so this is extra motivation. I give him $20-40 whenever he asks, about once a week. He also earned money this past summer so he hasn't asked me recently.

amother

Rose

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:24 pm

OP I really feel for you.
Having been in your position- if he takes his learning seriously I think it’s so important to give him enough money so that he doesn’t feel the need to go wan on his own to the point that it becomes a focus (assuming you want him to focus on his learning)
I feel like I didn’t realize the impact enough.
It ends up just becoming a basic equation-
If he feels that he really needs money he isn’t getting, after a bit he will start to be resourceful and get on his own, but it will become a focus. And also he won’t feel a calmness while he is learning
So it’s really about what you want the end result to be.
I do get it, I hope you are able to easily give him the spending money he needs plus extra very soon!

(I didn’t read the whole thread so I apologize if I repeated what was said already)

Cheiny

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe this is a chinuch question, but I'm trying to find out financially, if you have a son who turned 18 and is now in Beis Medrash, do you give him "spending" money? If he needs to use the bus or take an uber (not in our city), or wants to buy food on Erev Shabbos, paying for the Mikvah . . . Do you pay for it all?
My son claims that all of his friends have money to spend (not much but enough), and while some of them may have their own money from jobs, there aren't so many money making opportunities for Bachurim, so he assumes they get it from their parents.
Tuition is very expensive, how do we draw the line between not expecting your parents to pay for everything now that you're older vs. not feeling like an outcast among other Bachurim?

Of course. Where should they get spending money from otherwise? Do you not give your other kids allowances?

↑ kenz

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 7:30 pm

OP, I want to add that I was that kid that had to pay for everything. It wasn’t even a hard rule, my parents were just in a very tight spot, financially beginning with when I was starting high school and I always earned money during the summer and babysitting, etc., therefore I had the money, so when I wanted something and it wasn’t essential, I just got it myself.
I definitely was not excessive in my spending in any way. But what started happening was that my parents began to expect me to pay for everything for myself, even basics like toiletries and clothing, etc. because I was capable of doing so, yet my brothers were completely supported , because they didn’t earn any money and to be honest, there was some resentment.
Because of that, I’m extra careful not to make my kids feel that type of pressure.
They do work and they do contribute when we all agree it makes sense, but I would never want them to feel like they are responsible for buying their own deodorant and shampoo. And I am definitely not rolling in money.

amother

↑ Whitesmoke ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 7:42 pm

mom24b wrote:

I think this is the crux of the issue. My parents are comfortable but they sent my brother to a cheaper (very good but less frills yeshiva) because they didn’t want him with the ritsy crowd.

Realistically, this yeshiva might attract a more comfortable crowd (usually half is comfortable and half is quite poor on scholarship with little in the middle). So yes his friends may have much more leeway with spending. Most boys who have to think about money don’t go to camp as campers at 18…

I think there’s a balance. You should see how much it would cost to cover needs for the month and give him that and encourage him to figure out the rest.

His friends may also get car rentals and trips bein hazmanim. And lots of spending money in Israel etc etc. they may just have more money.