Do you give money to your son in Beis Medrash?

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:02 pm

Maybe this is a chinuch question, but I'm trying to find out financially, if you have a son who turned 18 and is now in Beis Medrash, do you give him "spending" money? If he needs to use the bus or take an uber (not in our city), or wants to buy food on Erev Shabbos, paying for the Mikvah . . . Do you pay for it all?
My son claims that all of his friends have money to spend (not much but enough), and while some of them may have their own money from jobs, there aren't so many money making opportunities for Bachurim, so he assumes they get it from their parents.
Tuition is very expensive, how do we draw the line between not expecting your parents to pay for everything now that you're older vs. not feeling like an outcast among other Bachurim?

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:08 pm

certain things I pay for, certain things he pays for (he has money from bar mitzvah, summer jobs, etc). I don't know what's acceptable but I do know that once they're that age, if they're able to make some money, they can pitch in

amother

DarkYellow

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:09 pm

My son worked in the summer so he has spending money from that. Other than that I try to buy him all his stuff and extras when I can so he doesn't have to spend too much of his own money. I can't either give him too much money.

Hashem_Yaazor ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:10 pm

Absolutely. My boys have very little time to earn enough money to pay their way. I give about $10/week but depending how much laundry is, I might pad it. I pay airport transportation.... This is for spending when they're away from home for extended time.

Last edited by Hashem_Yaazor on Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:55 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Darkblue

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:22 pm

I give ds a debit card plus cash for transportation to come home. Ds buys stuff to make dinner, he won't touch yeshiva dinner. He also buys fresh fruits and snacks. It's easier to buy local vs schlepping.

amother

Anemone ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:23 pm

I am not in that stage yet - but give 100 a month to a boy in early 20 who’s parents don’t give spending money
But my parents, in-laws all my aunts and uncles do…
Its not about feeling like an outcast , it’s about them feeling like not all their needs are met.

Honestly most of the expenses you listed are needs and not luxuries
It’s diff ent with girls because there are more socially acceptable ways for them to make pocket money

UQT

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:28 pm

Yes. He gets a small amount of cash for haircuts etc and then a credit card. We keep an eye on it but he’s not a spender at all.
He spends his whole day learning. I’m happy for him to relax during bein hazmanim instead of hustling.
He does earn a small amount of money tutoring a younger boy but I insist he put that money in the bank. I think he should come into the marriage with something.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:28 pm

Thank you for your replies, they helped a lot. It's true that most expenses are not extras but at what point do we expect them to pay on their own - meaning, we're already doing a lot for tuition. Working out a plan for his Bar Mitzvah money may be an option. He didn't work b/c his friends all went to camp, so we let him go to camp, but at what point do we expect him to take responsibility (realistically)? Again, asking financially to find out what his peers parents are doing, so these responses do help.

amother

Brunette ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:31 pm

Yes we give him about $75 a month.
My son is a pretty frugal guy but the food in yeshiva is inedible.
(Makes me mad because we pay so much tuition, there's minimal staff so not much payroll. Why can't they give decent food?? At least give basics like fruits and vegetables. These are growing men that need nutritious food not just garlic knots for lunch. /end of rant.)
He earns money bein hazmanim and in the summer but he tries to save that.
The yeshiva also has some shmiras hazmanim programs where they earn a little money.
He's our oldest and dh and I are always doubting ourselves. My son says it's not really enough. Buying raw ingredients for dinner is expensive and adds up quickly. Forget about buying ready food. That he knows is a luxury and does so sparingly.
He tells me some boys just have their parents cc. We explained and he understands why that's financially unhealthy.
But we always wonder what everyone else is doing.

amother

↑ Jade

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is the big problem with how we raise our boys. We want them to stay in yeshiva learning all day but then they are 23 and still asking mommy and daddy for money. It's not their fault...how are they supposed to make money within the 4 walls of yeshiva....there are only so many haircuts that need to be given and books to be bound.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:52 pm

So my son also tells me all of his friends have his parents cc! I tell him it just can't be that they all do (and he knows we're not doing that).
And while it's true that we encourage him to stay in Yeshiva (for now, we said one year at a time), there's supposed to be a mesiras nefesh to that, kids have to understand that money has to come from somewhere. He didn't want to work this summer, so he has to understand that lessens his chance of having more money. (He's heard this from us since he was young). But he sees all of his friends having money so I don't want him to be the only one not having money.

↑ Hashem_Yaazor ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:02 pm

One of my boys had a debit card with access to the little money he's made here and there from summer jobs, substituting as a waiter in Yeshiva, etc but it's really very little he's been able to get. He worked as a counselor this year but the SEED program isn't to make money but to help communities and I support that value.

He needs haircuts, laundry, occasionally mending, a little snack food, perhaps some supplies like new pencils or batteries, chip in for gifts to a rebbe, that kind of thing.
If he was home, he wouldn't really be spending any of this, he'd raid my pantry and supplies, do laundry in our machines with our detergent, use our home haircutting machine, you get the drift.
It's only fair that because I support his Torah learning and want him in Yeshiva which happens to limit his access to home that he get what he needs just like everyone else in the family.

(My other son doesn't have a card for technical reasons, need to work on it but it hasn't been a priority since he learns in a city with a lot of relatives so if he needs more cash than I supplied him with, we can zelle the relative to give him more money.)

amother

↑ Anemone

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Meiseras nefesh is a choice that I wouldn’t expect an 18 year old to make.
When a person does not have enough for basic expenses it affects them emotionally.
You seem to think the need for money is a social need.
It’s nothing to do with a social need but providing them with basics.
My father is still in kolle and lives so simply but always made sure my brothers has adequate spending money.
You choose to raise your child in a system.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:06 pm

I definitely hear that, but with tuition at 20,000 per year, these things do add up. That's why I'm trying to figure out what everyone else does. The answers I'm getting are definitely providing clarity.

amother

Grape ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:08 pm

I have 2 beis medresh boys.

One in Israel. I pay his rent and utilities. He has some severe food allergies so he does need to supplement a little food. He has a credit card and debit card. Basics we don't say anything, extras he always asks first. He did earn some money for learning bein hazmanim, which he used to buy himself extra sefarim. He barely travels but we do pay for his bus card.

My second is out of our city (pretty far). We pay his flights. We give him about $100-$150 each time he comes home (once every 2 months). He usually comes home wuth more than half each time. He uses it for laundry and haircuts. He isn't really walking distance to any stores do he doesn't really spend. Cleaners for his suit once in a while. He has one out shabbos that he goes to locals, we pay the Uber, but it's usually split with other guys.

They both have some money from working summers and bar mitzvah, but we'd rather it be save for marriage if possible. If my kids were big spenders I may sing a different tune.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:08 pm

Of course! I give my son cash and also a personal debit card that I can add more money if needed. I think that when a child is still learning you can't expect them to make money to pay for their expenses. If he does have the opportunity to earn some money while in Beis Medrash, it's usually enough just for a little extras.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:10 pm

For the one whose father was always in kollel, I'm not understanding this. How did your father afford the tuition and have money for leftovers? This is where I'm getting stuck. No, I don't think haircuts and buses and mikvah are social expenses, the social aspect I'm referring to is that he says all of his friends use their parents money. And that's where I'm stuck. Is that the case? I know some of you said it's not, so that answered that, but for those of you who feel that they deserve it, b/c they work so hard, the money has to come from somewhere, and it's not high school anymore.