Do you give money to your son in Beis Medrash?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 11:20 pm

If you trust your son, you can give him a card, if you arent sure, give him cash and let him budget it or augment it with a job.
As opposed to the others, I have seen bochorim learn to hustle when they wanted money. Some ironed other boys shirts, or did their laundry. Some babysat in the neighborhood (fams with only boys prefer a boy babysitter), some cleaned for Pesach or other cleaning jobs, or the like. Some sold stuff- one bochur I knew baked cookies and made thursday night chulent and sold it in his yeshiva...

If you dont want your son busy with making money, give him some cash and tell him you know he will use it responsibly. He knows your families situation and wont go splurging.

This is also a good time to tell you child that your family doesnt smoke, vape or drink outside of Shabbos/Yuntif/Purim. He should stay far away from the boys doing that, those boys are not for him. (besides being a great waste of good hard earned money).
And tell him you are there for him if he needs you, anytime.

nicole81

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 11:32 pm

My son has saved up all his money since bar mitzvah and he works every pesach and worked weekends and camps for HASC since he was 14 and has invested his money in stocks under my name since 15 and works odd jobs (his flight to the US was cancelled so he ended up working for his yeshiva in exchange for room and some cash). Honestly we never thought about giving him spending money. We spent 80k on high school, taught him how to be self sufficient, and he's doing great bh and not complaining.

amother

Bubblegum ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 12:51 am

OP, it’s true yeshiva and dorm is a huge financial hardship on a family…
but that’s not your son’s fault. He didn’t ask to be born. It’s not fair to expect him to come up with money out of nowhere to meet his basic needs.
I also think you should consider long term. In my opinion/my observations, boys who feel deprived of money end up being very focused on being good providers as husbands and fathers down the line, often to the detriment of their learning, as opposed to boys who were more pampered (to a ‘normal’ degree as in not being expected to fund their food or haircuts or shoes when they wear out…) who are better able to balance entering the working world while still having their heads in yeshiva and keeping serious sedarim.
End story, I hear you that the money has to come from somewhere.
My boys do work in camp bein hazmanin where they earn a small salary plus extra for learning privately with a camper plus extra for the camp ‘kollel’ incentives. They do some private lifeguarding for boy birthday parties or end of year parties if it works out with their off Shabbosim, they do book binding. They have friends who also figure out ways to make money here and there without it taking a lot of headspace (haircuts, rides, cholent…). But we give them money to cover food, laundry, haircuts. Replace clothing as needed bein hazmanim. Cover hosting gifts if they are going to a rebbe for a Shabbos meal. And check in with them to make sure they have enough cash (plus they have credit cards for emergencies with a 1k limit- basic safety as far as I’m concerned!) so they feel secure and taken care of.

amother

Oxfordblue ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:08 am

amother OP wrote:

I definitely hear that, but with tuition at 20,000 per year, these things do add up. That's why I'm trying to figure out what everyone else does. The answers I'm getting are definitely providing clarity.

20k?????? Omg.

I have no words.

We pay A LOT less in Flatbushz even with a dorm. I give DS about $15 a week or so.

amother

Lemon ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:54 am

amother OP wrote:

For the one whose father was always in kollel, I'm not understanding this. How did your father afford the tuition and have money for leftovers? This is where I'm getting stuck. No, I don't think haircuts and buses and mikvah are social expenses, the social aspect I'm referring to is that he says all of his friends use their parents money. And that's where I'm stuck. Is that the case? I know some of you said it's not, so that answered that, but for those of you who feel that they deserve it, b/c they work so hard, the money has to come from somewhere, and it's not high school anymore.

Yes, they do. They all spend their parents money. Hes not lying....

notshanarishona ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:48 am

1) consider moving him to a cheaper yeshiva
2) he can and should work bein hazmanim cleaning cars, mashgiach, camp counselors (18 is way too old to be a camper)
3) working during a 3 sdarim a day yeshiva is unrealistic unless not a serious buchar although most yeshiva have odd jobs to make a little

↑ notshanarishona ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 5:49 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

(I actually don't plan on giving my seminary girls spending money. They can earn money more easily during middle school and high school by babysitting, running camps, etc and saving up.)

I think I was one of the only girls in seminary using my own spending $ and earning $ for expenses as they came up (and that was around 20 years ago)

amother

Leaf ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:11 am

Hi OP, as someone who really struggles to pay for tuition I totally understand where you are coming from. My son is also a long flight away. This is what we do.
- My son has some savings from Bar Mitzvah / leining job that he had for a couple of years before he went to Yeshiva. He also makes some $ Sukkos time checking Esrogim.
- My son gets some $ from taking certain test in Yeshiva which adds up.
- One of my children who is working asked a Rav who said they can give him Maaser $ so that gives him a little more.
- We gave him $100 here or there but we can't always.
- We stock him up on cereals/snacks when he is home so he doesn't need to spend much on food.

B"H he's ok with it, he totally understands.
And I hope one day things will improve on our side.

kenz ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:19 am

If he were at home, wouldn’t you be paying for his food and basic needs? I’m all for having kids supply their own spending money for extras, but I don’t think he should be made to feel as if he’s not your responsibility at all anymore just because he turned 18. There should be a middle ground.

amother

Glitter

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:21 am

As a Brit girl that went to a Brit sem with the set up similar to Yeshivas.
My parents sent me each week either a transfer to my account or in a parcel approx £20 each week (this was 10 yrs ago)
This money was where I learnt responsibility from. I could either spend it all each week to buy from a takeaway if I didn't like lunches or save so I could buy new clothes when my friends went shopping.
That money went for my toiletries, food (can count on one hand how many times I had a take out in a yr even though friends did weekly) and towards laundry or anything else.
If I felt I needed more during the holidays (Sukkot and Pesach) I did babysitting so I can manage the next term

amother

Bone

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:35 am

If you want him to focus on learning not on where his next penny will come from you have to at least take the edge off it.

Before he went to camp (which presumably you paid for) did you sit him down and tell him, if you go to camp it will cost us x. If you take a job you can earn y and then you'll have pocket money for the year?

You have to teach money management, you can't expect it to come with age.

If every summer he went to camp and during the year you gave him everything, then suddenly turning 20 won't make him get his own pocket money.

My boys don't have time to work enough to pay their bills. They work bein hazmanim and most of them do something to earn a bit extra once a week - book binding, fixing stuff around yeshiva, playing music for small simchos etc. I pay for laundry, transport, toiletries, stationery, sefarim, clothes and a set amount per week for food (small amount - there are times when the yeshiva food isn't enough). I don't see that as less important than tuition.

I've given my kids small amounts of pocket money from when they're bar mitzva and taught them how to budget to make it last. eg. Teves may be a cheap month - that doesn't mean you should splurge on chocolate because Adar is an expensive month, you'll need the saving from Teves to cover Adar. etc.

(But then, my tuition is nowhere near $20,000)

amother

↑ Leaf

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 6:45 am

notshanarishona wrote:

I think I was one of the only girls in seminary using my own spending $ and earning $ for expenses as they came up (and that was around 20 years ago)

My daughter went to sem last year and she was definitely not the only girls spending her own $. In the more "upscale" seminaries it's very unusual but in the more OOT/low key sems it's pretty common.

amother

Lightblue

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 7:12 am

amother Leaf wrote:

My daughter went to sem last year and she was definitely not the only girls spending her own $. In the more "upscale" seminaries it's very unusual but in the more OOT/low key sems it's pretty common.

Agree, I was in seminary 12 years ago and while it may have felt like I was the only one, there was a significant minority of girls using their own money.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 7:37 am

My sons is younger than yours but OF COURSE I give him money for all necessities. This son is not a big spender so I am pretty generous with him. My next son is a big spender so I will iyh need to give him a budget/allowance for extras.

If you want to stop giving him money for basic necessities, you need to discuss this way in advance. So talk about it now for next year. Explain that during bein hazmanim he should get a job, not go to camp etc.

Personally, if I was paying 20k in tuition and this caused me to be unable to afford necessities, I would ask for a tuition break or look into a cheaper yeshiva. Your son needs to have his needs met. 20k is really high and if you got a 1k reduction, you would have the resources to pay for basic needs.

Whatever you do, don't tell him that all of a sudden you won't be paying for basics just because of his age.

↑ notshanarishona ↓

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 8:00 am

amother Leaf wrote:

My daughter went to sem last year and she was definitely not the only girls spending her own $. In the more "upscale" seminaries it's very unusual but in the more OOT/low key sems it's pretty common.

Glad to hear. I felt like such an outcast when everyone was going out to eat multiple times a week and only the poorer girls ate school lunch or when the girls just went to geulah as an activity and I had a limited budget but everyone else wanted to taxi instead of buses. I don’t think it’s a crazy thing for an 18 year old to spend their own $ but with seminary there are lot of things to spend on, hostess giftd each week, laundry, toiletries, food as needed(sem didn’t provide snacks), clothes and shoes when they got ruined, etc.