How does this end? S/o teens and needs

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Fashion and Beauty

Previous 1 2 3

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Debbig

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:28 pm

amother Milk wrote:

I wonder myself. I come from a very down to earth chasidic school in which no one was really into the styles and there were no must haves.
My parents were always hardworking and I was always babysitting but it never occurred to me to spend the money. I always have it to my parents.
Somehow along the years I became very with it and started following trends but it fizzled out and I’m very vocal about it now.
I have no desire to dress my kids a certain way or vacation in certain places or get new sheitals when everyone else does. Don’t get me wrong, I make sure to look good but I honestly don’t follow any rules.

My answer to you is: your daughter will probably stop when older, wiser, and has the self esteem to follow her own voice. Even if she can afford all of it.

Hopefully she will stop. But most ppl who grow up without being told no. Don’t stop they end up not spending wisely and in lots of debt.
It’s our jobs as parents to teach them the difference between needs and wants and when we do “indulge” in the wants and when we don’t whether on principle or financial responsibility. It’s not always about what you can afford you have to have limits.

amother

Lightyellow

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:30 pm

I buy the off brand. Always. My 10 year old wanted a fanny pack last summer. I got for $5-10. My 13 year old asked for one and I got her for $15. Because these are useful. But I don't buy all the latest fashions. My kids wear hand me downs. I haven't bought a sheitel in 5 years and before that was when I got married. I dont feel the need to buy whatever my kids want. My parents had no problem saying no. But I bad plenty of classmates and friends whose parents didn't. I appreciate the wealthy parents who don't indulge for the sake of poorer families. And for their kids sake. They need to learn that sometimes we don't get what we want.

amother

Moonstone

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:50 pm

I always buy off brands as well. My teenager herself thinks prices are outrageous and insists on off brands. I asked her if she knows some of the things mentioned here and she had no idea. She has a group of about 10-15 friends, nice normal girls. In Brooklyn.

amother

Starflower

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:51 pm

amother Oatmeal wrote:

I feel like you have to have a strong internal backing for this. Strong principles.

DD is going to be the only one in her class (12th grade) without a smartphone next year. We've discussed it plenty. She understands why I'm not giving in.

It's not easy to stand against the current, but it's much easier if you know why you're doing it and where your lines are drawn.

I loved the amother above who tells her kids that they will not be increasing peer pressure for others. Especially when she is willing to put her money where her mouth is and buy a more expensive item albeit one that won't feed into the peer pressure.

The bolded jumped out for me.

I am all for individualism and parents setting boundaries, but I maintain my own boundaries and always think about the impact to the child. The challenge is knowing when to dig my heels in and when to give in.

You cannot compare being the only one without a smartphone to not having a brand name skirt. The latter doesn't affect the interactions with peers but the former sure does. Is your daughter truly not going to mind being left out of group chats and not being able to partake in sharing pics? How about sharing study notes and group study sessions? What about spontaneous plans and being the afterthought to remember to include?

If she is truly the only one, it will be a tough year for her. I wonder if it will have the positive outcome that you are thinking of.

amother

Moccasin

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 7:56 pm

It definitely comes from home.

My dd asked for new sneakers for camp. That's not happening. She just got sneakers and they will still be fine in August.

She asked for a new water bottle. We buy them as needed. I purchased a new one inmiddle of the school year because the other one wasn't good anymore. The new one is 3 months "old" but it perfect condition.

Dd did ask for the lululemon crossbody bag. I didn't want her to wear it to school, so got it now. It was a present that she earned.

I heard all about the egg chair, neck fans and other things her freinds have. I ask dd if she wants their "pekela" as well.

amother

Melon

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 8:18 pm

Didn’t read the answers
But I live in a community/ send to a school where many girls wear name brands , not all .
My daughter knows that I can’t / won’t buy what she doesn’t need. She has some items ( lululemon Fanny pack, Kipling bag ) that are not pricey that she received as gifts. I gift her for her birthdays. Graduation etc. these are not expensive items . When she starts with Alo this and hard tail that, I remind her that if she needs something we will buy it, but it’s comical to spend $$$$ to have the same as everyone else . She BH is well dressed and co tent. I don’t spend a lot and- I deal a lot with teens in my line of work- I underscore at home the value of midos, hard work, value of friendship. We talk a lot about superficiality and what builds a person. I also could buy $$$$ for myself but I don’t. You have to walk the walk. She sees me being careful and yes from time to time buying a pricier item but only if it has value ( 200$ bag for my birthday that I use everyday )
I think it’s so important that our children learn that their intrinsic value is not what they wear but how they wear it.
Building them to be real, confident, content people is so much more important!

amother

Stone

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 8:23 pm

I am 31
Growing up I used to ask for some things not a lot bec I knew my parents couldn’t afford much
In sem I was one of the only ones using my own spending money vs parents credit cards
And I did a work study thing where I had a small job in sem so my parents got a discount on the cost
My parents couldn’t pay my college vs most of my friends parents were able to. My parents couldn’t support a son in law so I married someone working.

BH I learned the value of money, we currently save and invest about 1/3 of our income give maaser pay full tuition and give tzedakah and looking at us, you’d never know how much we have in the bank bec we aren’t fancy people. I try to train myself to develop hobbies or listen to shiurim or read good books or exercise or develop my career instead of pursuing materialism. I hope I’m a good example for my kids!

And btw my childhood was dysfunctional with an abusive mom and I had social challenges so for all those saying my kid neeeeds it well I turned out just fine bH

ittsamother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 8:26 pm

My oldest is only 4. I find that at her age it starts already with treats. I give her 3 jelly beans and she immediately asks for 4. Sometimes I lovingly give it to her and tell her I just love her so much, most times I firmly tell her that Mommy said she's getting 3, take it or leave it. Literally because I want her to learn to handle getting a no, not because I really care if she gets an extra jelly bean or not. When we go shopping in Dollar Tree, I'll tell her she can pick out one or two things. We can well afford ten, of course, but I want her to learn to prioritize her desires and be able to tell herself no to things.

I grew up with parents who were BH able to afford basics, and one or two small splurges, and that was it. We learned the value of a dollar, and to be excited over what we got and be ok with what we couldn't. Pesach time when we went on chol hamoed trips my mother would open a Rosemarie chocolate bar and each of us children would each get one section, and we savored that section as long as it lasted. I didn't feel poor, but I learned to look at ridiculous prices and honestly feel disgusted at the thought of throwing away that much money on such an item. I don't know what our financial situation will be when our kids will be teens but I can already tell you I will not be giving in to every ridiculous trend and want my kids have, because I don't want them to be slaves to that once they're adults and eventually parents themselves.

(And I fully agree with those against schools and rabbanim instituting bans. Enough bans. We parents should and do have the power and it's merely part of parenting.)

amother

Maroon

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 8:30 pm

amother Pear wrote:

How exactly would you want the schools to get involved in policing splurges on clothing.

Uniforms are required so there is generally little leeway in terms of clothing.

So theoretically you want schools to police the clothing that is worn out of school in terms of cost.

I ask seriously - do you ban certain brands? Do you set a limit on the cost per item? The cost per total that can be spent? What about items bought on sale? Do you ask for receipts? What level are people are allowed to dress their girls in?

This is something that seems to be the essence of what parents should do. Most parents - even the wealthy ones I know - set limits on spending in some way.

And I really don't think that every responsible parent should have their child penalized and live under restrictions because of a few parents who are perceived as overly indulgent.

When I was in elementary school, there were rules on brands.

No Ugg’s, no Juicy sweaters. I don’t remember if there were others, but you would be sent home to change if you came to school with Ugg’s or a juicy sweater.

amother

Pear

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:14 pm

amother Maroon wrote:

It is relatively easy to control what girls wear in school.

And were all sheepskin boots banned or just that particular brand? What about velour hoodies - not all Juicy had their logo.

However a lot of the items that are coveted are not worn to school and schools would have a hard time keeping up with the latest

Some very expensive stuff isn't obviously branded

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:23 pm

It's so interesting because I've been so good and maintaining balance and sticking up for my values. But one of my girls has this knack of only noticing what other people have. To the point that I feel like for her, it's almost all she sees. I feel like some kids just pick up and need more than others. And I find myself giving her a bit more than I'm comfortable with or can afford. I have no idea how it ends. I say no all the time but with all that, she has certain things that I never thought I would buy over my dead body and here I am doing it.
With all my values and the budget and all the things, this kid is gonna kill me.

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:32 pm

From what I see on imamother, it's not just the teens feeling this pressure, but the infants too!
Mothers are asking what are in-style outfits for their babies and toddlers so their little ones won't be seen as an outcast by their young peers.
Only footies that's are tight and snap in the back and the rompers that are like bathing suits but in a bubble.
I open the links and they're all $30+ a piece.

So it doesn't start when they hit 13, this is given with their mothers' milk.

LittleDucky

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:37 pm

amother Steelblue wrote:

And the poor girl might need the $160 skirt so much more badly than your daughter does. for many reasons.

But that is exactly the point you are missing. A skirt won't make someone happier or more liked. If you instill in your kid true values then no brand name will make them "better". No one needs a fashion accessory or brand name.
And if they were self confident then they will know that no matter what they wear, it doesn't change them or make people like them.
Stuff give a false sense of esteem. It does not give self esteem- just "other esteem".
We need to do a better job teaching ourselves and our kids that stuff does not increase happiness.

ittsamother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:39 pm

LittleDucky wrote:

I agree with this. No one should have the value instilled that if they have the $160 skirt, that's what will fix things for them.

amother

Starflower

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:41 pm

amother Impatiens wrote:

These are the women who grew up needing brand names to fit in and measure their self worth against.

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:59 pm

amother Starflower wrote:

Don't worry, I have an ongoing dialogue with DD. If she feels it's too much for her, she is always able to tell me so. I don't just hand down authoritative judgments.

She has been one of a minority without a smartphone for most of high school, so the issues you raise are not new to her.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:28 am

Quote:

But Abba drives for Tomchei Shabbos, and he sees how many poor people there are in our town. There are definitely girls in your class whose parents cant even afford to buy chicken, and the stress that these parents have is awful. Can you imagine them crying in their bedroom because they cant buy food? And then what happens when their daughter, who is your classmate, goes home to them and BEGS for a kipling backpack because everyone has one?
Abba and I have decided that we will not be the ones adding to the pressure. We will not make it harder for people. I am prepared to buy you an even more expensive backpack than kipling if it does not have a brand name that everyone knows on it" (one of my kids once took me up on this, and I followed through. Im not against spending money. Im against creating pressure where everyone must follow expensive trends or else)
We have repeated this speech over and over theough the years.

Little Neshamala you are a hero and role model.

This thread is so refreshing. It's a relief to hear that so many women feel that high-end materialism has gotten way out of hand. But - unless there is a major shift in our society (yes, this might mean rules, money management seminars, etc.), this "issue" will linger.

Schools can help make change, but principles and ideology start at home. Yes, there have always been trends in clothing. Wanting to look "up to date" is understood. But when the "accepted" range of options is from a limited, very pricey pool of stores and/or brands....where does that leave us?

Also, some adults bemoan the demands of their children, while falling into the same trap with their own peers. Look at how many frum women are wearing identical - expensive - accessories - from watches to gym clothes to handbags/purses. If you lead by example, your kids might absorb your messages. Being a hypocrite doesn't get parents far.

Note: Teens are stereotypically notoriously sensitive to peer-pressure, more so than other demographics. So, there will probably always be a conflict of wants vs. needs vs. social acceptance. The scary news is that the kids are becoming "teens" ever younger. Early elementary age now has "must haves" brands. (Stanley cups in first grade...Stella McCartney bags too... Can't Believe It

). Accessories that qualified as "kallah" gifts 10 years ago, are now displayed by high-schoolers (ex: Diamond Michele watches).

Yes, parents (and grandparents) are often the sponsors of this excess. So - it should be nipped in the bud. The debate is not about "But we can afford to buy whatever our children desire." and more about awareness and general fiscal responsibility. We are known as a society for our gemachs and chessed.....but it's no mitzvah to need tzedaka, certainly if it's due to excessive spending habits. Our children should be taught economics, financial responsibility, etc. It's shocking when teens and young adults seem unaware that CCs need actual funds. People have never heard of the term "house poor". (I was quite involved in Mesila in the past, and the lack of awareness and coping skills/tools among so many in our society is horrifying.)

How can schools support the messages taught at home? By limiting obvious branding. By limiting the sorts of accessories brought to school/camp. By providing adequate financial education. (Few things blew my mind the way learning about compound interest did! It created an aversion to owing money as well as encouraged the benefits of saving!)

Be"H, we shall overcome.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:34 am

LittleDucky wrote:

We need to do a better job teaching ourselves and our kids that stuff does not increase happiness.

This
Gashmiout is probably the biggest nissayon of this generation.

Page 3 of 3

Previous 1 2 3