How does this end? S/o teens and needs

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:52 pm

These must have items for teens because they need to fit in is a very dangerous trend.
I want to know how this ends?

The prices are higher and higher and it's not one skirt or one pair of shoes. There is a must have of every article of clothing and accessory.

I can understand allowing one splurge here and there but that is not the direction it all seems to be going.

I want to know how this ends? With grateful well adjusted girls? With girls who are then going to be kollel wives and shop sales? With resilient, middos focused young mothers?

At what point does a teenager become sensible and focused on real priorities if they are being fed these must haves all through their years?

Who's paying for all these must haves forever?
I don't understand how we are doing anyone any favors raising our teenagers like this.

Thinking it's just one skirt, or one watch or one type of sneakers, is naive and shortsighted.

Where are the schools, mechanchos, and Rabbonim in this crazy issue?

Debbig

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why is it the school’s problem. As parents we need to teach our kids. We need to teach them the difference between needs and wants. So many ppl don’t know the difference.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:13 pm

Read the threads - parents think they are doing the right thing.
If that's the case then we need hadracha from the top. Schools, mechanchos, Rabbonim all know how to make rules and statements when they want to. Why can't they stand up and say something? Clearly we need to hear it from the higher ups, that this emphasis on materialism to the point of social outcasts has gone too far.
Schools make rules about bas mitzvahas and camps and all kinds of things, they can easily make rules around brand names or whatever else.
I think it's a chinuch issue that parents are struggling to take a stand on so it's on community leaders and the school to step up.

Not trying to pass the blame, I'm just saying this is huge issue that is being ignored and it will come back to bite us big time.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:16 pm

There will always be push overs and people pleaser parents. No speech is going to help them not give in. The few who post can be the same people over and over and it’s really not a large number. I don’t know anyone in real life who is held hostage by their kids and actually buys every trend, fad and expensive item they ask for.

amother

Pear

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:21 pm

How exactly would you want the schools to get involved in policing splurges on clothing.

Uniforms are required so there is generally little leeway in terms of clothing.

So theoretically you want schools to police the clothing that is worn out of school in terms of cost.

I ask seriously - do you ban certain brands? Do you set a limit on the cost per item? The cost per total that can be spent? What about items bought on sale? Do you ask for receipts? What level are people are allowed to dress their girls in?

This is something that seems to be the essence of what parents should do. Most parents - even the wealthy ones I know - set limits on spending in some way.

And I really don't think that every responsible parent should have their child penalized and live under restrictions because of a few parents who are perceived as overly indulgent.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:23 pm

Those who are minimizing don’t know what it’s like to have a teen the neeeeeeds
This is my second to youngest and first time dealing and I have one same question as op.
It started out as just a pair of golden gooses
Next was the aviator nation
Now it’s endless.
With I’ll pay half or it’s just a little more….
I am a pushover parent now but I wasn’t before and I don’t know how this is going to end.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:26 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

We know. We just aren’t fazed by our teen needing things. Mine already know I’ll happily splurge on one item. They come to me with the item they want most. You should take some courses on standing up for what you believe in instead of giving in.

Brit in Israel

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:28 pm

My parents told me they were happy to pay the regular price for x amount of tops and skirts until I was working after seminary and if I want them to be designer or buy other stuff I have to either get less of more expensive so it came to the same total or get an after school job.
I learnt very quickly what was important for me and how to buy in sales, outlet stores or ebay if I 'needed' a certain brand.

Nothing the school would have said to me or to parents that let their kids buy anything they 'needed' would have changed anything.

And from what I see with my dd 7 it starts when they are young with sticker books etc, but if they learn than that some people might get all the New York jelly stickers but maybe they don't get a bag/bike/loom bands etc. We can't get whatever we 'need' coz everyone has it especially when it's expensive, it's not as a hard blow to them when at the age of 12/15 suddenly you are telling them they can't have it all.

amother

Starflower

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:36 pm

Brit in Israel wrote:

This. I do the same. I tell my daughtera this is the budget. It's up to you if you want to buy more but cheaper, or less but more expensive.

They make their own choices and I'm off the hook.

happy7

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:37 pm

there will always be families who can afford it without a problem, families who can’t afford it and will say yes anyway, families who can afford it with some difficulty, families who can’t afford it and say no.

this is not new. if has always existed in some form or another.

it takes a lot of thick skin to say no to your kids and to yourself.

I just made a simcha. believe me, I wanted the gorgeous shoes for my kids, I wanted hair and makeup for my teens and adults, I wanted beautiful flowers and personalized swag. I really, really, really did.

I wanted the fancier photographer and the more skilled musician.

העין רואה והלב חומד

it doesn’t go away and it doesn’t get easier.

but reality is that my friends can afford it, and I cannot. Even though we seem to be in the same bracket.

You have to constantly build your OWN confidence.
and you have to be open with your kids and say: I’m sorry but we can’t.

I just had to tell me teenager, I’m so sorry, but I can’t afford $2 for each tradition soup.
I can’t afford $100s of dollars for food for camp. I just can’t.

and it is so hard to say no.

Debbig

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:40 pm

happy7 wrote:

Yes it’s very hard to say no. But the consequences of not saying no will be so much harder to deal with.
Good for you for doing what you can and not more because other ppl do.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:49 pm

Debbig wrote:

Yes it’s very hard to say no. But the consequences of not saying no will be so much harder to deal with.
Good for you for doing what you can and not more because other ppl do.

Yes!
They have to learn to hear a no.
I had a friend who could just use her parents card for whatever she wanted. I was soooo Jelouse, she always wore the expensive brands and had latest stuff on her parents card. their business wasnt doing so well and the parents didnt have the heart to tell them no so they continued to spend (round about way I heard her mother was crying to mine about how hard they are struggling but dont know how to say no to their kids now when they are 18/19)
Things didnt change once they got married they had no clue how to handle money or to take no we cant afford it as an answer and things didnt go well....
Im so glad my parents taught me to appreiciate the value of money even if EVERYONE has something.

amother

Amaryllis

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:53 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

You need to say "no". Very strongly and with conviction. Plain and simple.
My 16 year old also asked for golden goose sneakers. My response was "they cost HOW much? The answer is no". But ma I'll pay for half. "No". I'll pay 3/4. "No".
She wants to know why if she agrees to pay the answer is still no. I told her because we don't spend that kind of money on a pair of sneakers. And it doesn't matter whose money it is. Plain and simple. She got a life lesson on what is considered a reasonable splurge to treat yourself and where you should draw the line.
These teenagers have zero concept of money so it's nothing to them to drop a couple of hundred bucks on things they want if mom will split with them. They have no other expenses.
One of my daughters was once complaining, asking why I wouldn't pay for something since I have so much more money than she does. I said yes, I also have a lot more expenses than you do.
They aren't too young to understand. Seriously it is so vital for them to learn these lessons and parents constantly deprive their children of this education.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:58 pm

following - it's hitting me now strong..
Please please tell me what is a normal 'budget/amount' to be spending on clothing for a teenager for the summer, age 14? She keeps insisting she doesn't have enough Sad

.
Do the girls really only wear a skirt with one top instead of numerous tops with the same skirt?!
I said no to more skirts after I got her 2 more today, so she now has 3 'sets', plus 5 other skirts!

mummiedearest

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 5:00 pm

I’ve been telling my teen no since preschool. This is on the parents. I don’t find it hard to do because I do it on principle. I believe very strongly in saying no to these things, even if I can afford it. I always gave my kids the option to save up for what they want. Most of the time they decide it’s not worth the price. Sometimes it is, and that’s fine.

giftedmom

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 5:01 pm

We each have to figure it out according to ourselves, our budget, our teens, and our values.
We can’t outsource everything. Teens will always need to fit in that’s not changing, and friends will always have stuff that’s not changing either.
Personally mine doesn’t even ask for stuff outright. She just tells me what “everyone” has. Sometimes I get it if it’s cheap, sometimes I wait for sales, sometimes it’s a gift, and sometimes it’s a no.

amother

Iris

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 5:05 pm

I have an idea! Let’s approach camp owners- the same way packages and visiting day has stopped let’s have them ban lola skirts, alo, lululemon, aviator nation, golden goose and whatever other mishigas I’m missing. Any girl caught with a real Lola skirt will be asked to go home.

The future of frum teen camping- I’m onto something!!!