Would you take 12yo DD to shiva house?

amother

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 12:27 am

I go sometimes to pay a shiva call when I don't know the family very well. Is it appropriate to bring 12yo DD with me?

amother

Ebony

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 12:29 am

Only if she knows them personally otherwise very inappropriate

amother

Pewter

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 1:41 am

I am a pretty open-minded person, but it is definitely not appropriate to bring a 12-year-old who does not have a strong connection with them. I am coming for the perspective of somebody Who has lost a parent. I would not have felt comfortable. Had somebody brought a 12-year-old with him. I think you’re better off staying home if you need to bring somebody with you at that age. If they know that is strong connection and I would answer very differently.

amother

Stoneblue

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 7:40 am

amother OP wrote:

I go sometimes to pay a shiva call when I don't know the family very well. Is it appropriate to bring 12yo DD with me?

To be with you because you don't know the family well?
No.

amother

Feverfew

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 8:05 am

Absolutely not! highly inappropriate. And as someone who sat not to long ago, not everyone wants people they dont know so well showing up so just keep that in mind when you go.

amother

Black

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 8:07 am

To a family member, yes.

I once took a meal to a Shiva house, a teacher of my dd10. She came along to help me, I had too many things to carry. But otherwise, I wouldn't bring a child along.

Success10

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 8:14 am

It's definitely not ok to bring her to be a support for you in an awkward situation. But besides for that, how does dd feel about it? I can't imagine she wants to go.

Chayalle

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 8:18 am

No, not unless you are super close. Like I took the girls when my FIL was sitting Shiva.

amother

Crocus

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:26 am

If it was your dd's teacher, neighbor or otherwise someone she knows well then it makes sense and can be appropriate. Otherwise just no.

ShishKabob

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 10:28 am

amother Ebony wrote:

Only if she knows them personally otherwise very inappropriate

This, they can stay outside if they need to come with you and should wait till you're done.
And if you don't know them that well, then for sure it shouldn't take too long either.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 2:54 pm

When I was sitting Shiva my friend brought along her 12 year old daughter for "chinuch". I wasn't impressed and I wasn't comfortable having a 12 yr old around. I never asked a Rav but I really don't think there is any inyan to be mechanech our kids in this Mitzva by bringing them along with us.

kenz

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 3:16 pm

My brother’s high school rebbi lost a child and my mother made me come along because she felt it was “the right thing to do.” To this day I have no idea what she was thinking. I was so uncomfortable, I didn’t know them at all and I wasn’t that far in age from the child they lost, R”l. If anything it was exactly the wrong thing to do. I just sat there very uncomfortable and waited for my mom to decide it was time to leave. I would only bring a child if there was a real connection between them.

snooper86

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 3:23 pm

Sometimes schools will send classes to a shiva house if the kids have a connection to the one sitting shiva or ch”v it’s a classmate, Rebbe/Teacher, or faculty member of theirs who passed away.

amother

Iris

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 4:41 pm

snooper86 wrote:

Sometimes schools will send classes to a shiva house if the kids have a connection to the one sitting shiva or ch”v it’s a classmate, Rebbe/Teacher, or faculty member of theirs who passed away.

My kids school has done this when a Rebbi or classmate sat shiva but always in consultation with the aveilim and parents are notified in advance so they can opt out if they don’t want their child going. The school prepares them before and they go for a short period of time. It’s more calculated than the typical shiva call.

heidi

Mon, Jul 01 2024, 5:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

I go sometimes to pay a shiva call when I don't know the family very well. Is it appropriate to bring 12yo DD with me?

If you're in Israel and talking about a shiva call to a soldier's family, then it's actually a more accepted idea. I personally don't agree, but I know that there are people that want to show support and hakarat hatov and do bring children to such shiva houses.