Why did no one thank me?

watergirl ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:53 am

This thread is WILD to me. I posted a while ago, I can't remember if it was under my own screen name or as amother, about how I sent a postpartum meal to a mom with many kids and how I never get thanked, and she sent me a text later that night and it blew me away and gave me chizzuk to continue making meals.

EVERY REPLY on that thread was from people saying they always get a thank you text, like of course someone sends a text thanking the sender.

Threads like this pop up every few months on this site. I guess it depends on the tone of the first few comments?

OP, give it some time. Maybe her plan is to let the dust settle and then thank people. Or maybe she has no plans to at all. Just know your limits going forward.

Others, a thank you is not a demand from the giver. As a recipient, it's important to show hakaras hatov to anyone who gives, in some way. It's also wild to me that there are those on this thread who seem to honestly feel that they'd rather not get any gift ever than to thank the person for it.

As yidden, we learn to show hakaras ha tov. We learn to thank Hashem every day. The Torah is full of examples for us to learn from. It's the mitzvos and middos of klal Yisrael to thank someone. Where did we go wrong that there are people who can say, if you expect a thank you, don't give to me at all?

I know what it's like to have a husband who won't send a thank you text. My ex was one of those (had there been texting then). When I was post c-section, he made me get up and make dinner and I got no meals at all, not even from his mother who lived right there. I had to walk up a hill to go to their house four days after birth, or sit home with no food at all, alone. I had PPD and I was in a bad place. I know what it is to suffer post birth.

Please understand the power of a thank you.

↑ cholenteater ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 8:58 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

No problem, I won’t give you any. Do you understand that when I cook you a meal I spend at least 4-5 hours extra in my kitchen that day? And you can’t even take ten seconds to write thank you for the meal?
No more postpartum dinners for you.

Just to clarify- I always, always, ALWAYS say thank you. Whether in person by the door, or a text right before or after the meal.
But no, I won't be thanking twice like OP was asking for. At least not typically. One sister needs a ton of thanks, so yes I'll thank her more than 3 times with specific compliments, but as a general rule, I give a heartfelt thank you one time. If that means I can't have postpartum dinners from those who don't agree, that is ok. We will survive. My husband will make sure we don't starve even if we are eating crackers and peanut butter and store bought tuna sandwiches.

I truly appreciate suppers, by my last it was a literal life saver. My extended family is complex, one parent niftar, one parent not well and I was arranging that parent's care literally from the hospital an hour after birth. I had not planned to share this, I'm just trying to explain that not all is as it seems. There was so much more going on behind closed doors, I just don't feel safe enough to share more and be more vulnerable right now, under my screen name. It was a crazy time.
I am one of those extremely appreciative people. I've been on the receiving end unfortunately, and bh on the giving end. I don't enjoy taking, and am so careful to show my appreciation. I am now second guessing myself if I should have meals after my next one arrives iyH.
In a way I'd rather just do take out and pizza then deal with this. I'd hate to think people are insulted that I'm not saying thank you enough.

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 9:08 am

watergirl wrote:

No one is saying not to thank the giver.
Some are saying that some women do not have energy for texting or phone calls immediately post partum, and they'll thank the giver later on when they have more energy for that.

amother

↑ Daylily ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 9:15 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

Even though I personally do thank people, I don't want any favors from people who view it transactionally. Because that is not a transaction I'm willing to make.
I'm not willing to do someone a favor in exchange for thanks either.

Let me understand. If I hold the door open for you, you will not say thank you, because "thats a transaction you are not willing to make"?

What about if you go away for shabbos and I take your kid? No thanks?

A person cooking a shabbos meal for an entire family is huge. It takes time, effort, energy and money. and you are not willing to say thank you because it makes it a transaction?

amother

Ebony ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 9:22 am

amother Powderblue wrote:

I find it amusing that many responses are saying that you must thank formally/more than just a "thanks" within timespans of 10 days to 3 months, but the OP is complaining about not receiving a thank you within 2 days.

For me, the expectation of a more elaborate thank you than "Thanks so much! Everything was delish! Heart

" is why I find my social anxiety crippling me from sending anything at all, because I just don't have the headspace for more than that.

No one is asking for more than that.

The issue is when people don't get any acknowledgement at all. Your suggested text is perfect.

amother

Black

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 9:40 am

am honestly quite shocked to see how many ladies out there feel so entitled to having food made for you pp, that you think it's ok not to expect a thank you. Really shocked. You probably don't realise how lucky you are to have that expectation.
I'm from somewhere where people don't send food. The community isn't big enough, this chessed isn't emphasised. I have never received a meal after giving birth. We eat cereal or the like. Also for Shabbat if necessary.
All of you saying that you'd rather not receive any food than living with the expectation to thank the giver, have you tried Shabbat with several children and no cooked food? You know, we suffer from PPD out here as well, but somehow it seems more manageable to send a thank you text than to deal with whiny hungry children on top of your newborn.
As I said, I have never received a meal, but if I did, I would certainly prioritise saying thank you over giving attention to my family. Because that meal would mean so much and I know it. I am quite appalled seeing how some people here seem to take this huge favour for granted.

amother

↑ Daylily

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 10:29 am

amother Black wrote:

am honestly quite shocked to see how many ladies out there feel so entitled to having food made for you pp, that you think it's ok not to expect a thank you. Really shocked. You probably don't realise how lucky you are to have that expectation.
I'm from somewhere where people don't send food. The community isn't big enough, this chessed isn't emphasised. I have never received a meal after giving birth. We eat cereal or the like. Also for Shabbat if necessary.
All of you saying that you'd rather not receive any food than living with the expectation to thank the giver, have you tried Shabbat with several children and no cooked food? You know, we suffer from PPD out here as well, but somehow it seems more manageable to send a thank you text than to deal with whiny hungry children on top of your newborn.
As I said, I have never received a meal, but if I did, I would certainly prioritise saying thank you over giving attention to my family. Because that meal would mean so much and I know it. I am quite appalled seeing how sober people here seem to take this huge favour for granted.

Well said. I dont get any shabbos food postpartum. I have come home already from the hospital the end of the week and cooked an entire shabbos for our family. And no, I dont have more koach than any average kimperturin. If I would ever get a cooked shabbos I would be so thankful and gratefull and you bet, I would call or text to thank profusely.

I just see a very, "ess kumt mir" atitude.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:24 pm

I always send a Thank you to anyone who has made a meal for me , did something to help me, or gave me a gift no matter what. Even when it’s difficult , I make it a priority and I can’t really be ok with myself if I don’t thank them. I was surprised when I made meals for others and they didn’t say anything. I even saw one of the families that day and we chatted and absolutely no mention of the meal which I really worked very hard on. I don’t know what to say but I guess it’s best to just make the meals , give the gifts as a form of giving. I think it’s still good to do it even without the verbal acknowledgement.

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:41 pm

watergirl wrote:

We must be reading different threads or noticing different posts.

The premise of the thread is that OP was thanked when the meal was dropped off but wasn't thanked again & told how good the food was, by the women that gave birth this week. Or that she wasn't thanked immediately by the women that gave birth this week.
This is what people are basing their replies off from. From OP's situation. And most are replying to give it time & not all women are up to texting or phone calls immediately post partum. I didn't see any posts saying that we shouldn't thank the givers at all.

amother

Bottlebrush ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:42 pm

watergirl wrote:

I read the whole thread. Many posts heavily implied that they will not thank the giver.

Yes I thought this as well. I make suppers every so often and it’s tons of work. I have little kids but I make an effort bec I know how much it meant to me after I had a baby. To not send any text or acknowledgment is a real lack of menchlichkeit imo. It does not take effort to text thank you for sending supper it just doesn’t. And the ones that were extra effusive and thanked me when I dropped off and after to tell me they enjoyed it pushes me to do it again. But that’s not necessary, one thank you is enough but no acknowledgment at all? Come on I don’t think that’s normal at all. A gift is different, because a lot of ppl only send thank you cards so they don’t also text or call. But if you can, it is so appreciated.

amother

↑ Bottlebrush ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:43 pm

amother Outerspace wrote:

The premise of the thread is that OP was thanked when the meal was dropped off but wasn't thanked again & told how good the food was, by the women that gave birth this week.

While it’s not a must, when you work so hard to send supper it is nice to get a text we really enjoyed it or everything was delicious thanks again.

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:45 pm

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

While it’s not a must, when you work so hard to send supper it is nice to get a text we really enjoyed it or everything was delicious thanks again.

And this can be done several weeks after birth when mom is more up to it. As was said several times upthread, not everyone is up to texting & phone calls immediately post birth.

↑ watergirl ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:45 pm

amother Outerspace wrote:

The premise of the thread is that OP was thanked when the meal was dropped off but wasn't thanked again & told how good the food was, by the women that gave birth this week.

I just reread her OP. One thanked her when she opened the door, the other said nothing to her at all. I think all or most people told OP and agree that:
- one thank you is enough
- the recipient can send her thanks later on if needed.

After page one, the thread went into the general direction evolved into a general discussion about thanking the giver of meals, and then to thanking for gifts, not just meals in general. Not that the thanks should be that same day or next day.

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:49 pm

watergirl wrote:

The general direction and tone of the thread is that not everyone is up to texting/calling immediately post partum & that thanking later on is fine.
I don't recall any posts saying that the giver shouldn't be thanked at all for their gifts or food.

↑ watergirl ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:50 pm

amother Outerspace wrote:

Which is why I said before, we must be reading different threads. Someone even commented in this thread, if she has to thank the person, she'd rather not get any gifts from them. There were many comments to that point.

amother

↑ Outerspace ↓

Mon, Jul 08 2024, 1:53 pm

watergirl wrote:

Which is why I said before, we must be reading different threads. Someone even commented in this thread, if she has to thank the person, she'd rather not get any gifts from them.

I understood that to mean that if she has to call or text the person immediately post birth to thank them, she'd rather not get the gift as it's too overwhelming for her to call/text when she's immediately post birth.
I think that the thread is about calling/texting when immediately post birth. Not about not thanking in general.