S/O Yeshivish humor

amother

↑ Alyssum ↓

Yesterday at 2:46 pm

This one’s good for yeshivish and the Chassidim too.

What’s the definition of a בעל מפת?

Someone who knows all the workarounds to get you on to מedicaid פoodstamps and תection eight housing vouchers.

↑ keym

Yesterday at 2:48 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

I seem to recall them telling the story about a yeshiva guy who wasn’t all there who was really unhappy with the answer given to a question by Tosfos. They caught him ripping the Tosfos out of the page of Gemara.

“Stop,” they yelled at him. “What are you doing?”

“Such a Tosfos doesn’t belong in the Gemara!” He replied.

“But there’s another Tosfos on the other side of the page,” they countered.

אוי לרשע אוי לשכינו.” was his reply.

Another time (don’t remember if it was the same guy) they caught him taking a Sefer, a Rashba into the bathroom to learn.

“You can’t take a Rashba into the bathroom!” they reprimanded him.

“Why not? The Rashba himself went into the bathroom!”

Im not comfortable with these.
This was a real person (Brisker family member) who survived the war and half his family didn't and he actually was crazy.
I don't know his diagnosis but he was known to be insane.

amother

Ecru

Yesterday at 2:51 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

A yeshiva guy dies and unfortunately gets sent to gehenom. He enters to find a beautifully lit beis medrash and a chair and shtender with a Gemara just for him. There doesn’t seem to be anything to do but learn so he learns for a fairly pleasant couple of hours and then figures he’ll go check out the coffee room. As soon as he begins to rise from his chair a malach hurries over. “Sit back down. This is gehenom. There’s no going to the coffee room. Here we bring you the coffee.”

There is a similar yeshivish joke that some here won't appreciate. A person who always found lenient Rabbis to give him a hetter dies. They take him to room with a shtender, a gemora and a cup of tea. "Where am I" he asks? "Gan Eden" say the malach "So many rabbonim that to sit and learn by a shtender uninterrupted by anything else is Gan Eden" and locks the door...

amother

Coffee

Yesterday at 3:06 pm

keym wrote:

It is very special that his insanity expressed itself in kedusha this way.

amother

↑ Alyssum

Yesterday at 3:56 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

The way I heard it there was a guy who got a heter for everything in life. In kashrus, as long as there was an opinion that was ok with something bidieved he ran with it. In his bedroom life, he searched to find any minority opinion who had a kulah and allowed the things he wanted to do bidieved and went with it. Same went for his business dealings; any gray area that was bidieved possibly ok was good enough for him.

He dies after 120 and up there they are suitably impressed. “We can’t find anything you did in your life without a heter.Really impressive. straight to Gan Eden you go!”

He smugly walks in the direction he was pointed to and comes to a rickety shack with run down furniture and stocked with some bread and water.

“This is where you will stay for all eternity”, he is told.

“What?” he exclaims in consternation. “This is
Gan Eden?”

“Well”, comes the reply. “Bidieved according to one opinion…..

↑ penguin

Yesterday at 4:02 pm

happytobemom wrote:

As my son quotes his rebbi (it seems on a regular basis) "There's room in gehenom for all of us!!

what's with Restaurant X?
Not such a good hechsher.
But everyone eats there!
And there's plenty of room in Gehinnom for Everyone!

(Other version: alamen essen doh
And there room for alamen....)

amother

↑ Dandelion

Yesterday at 4:05 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

You have to be old Lakewood to appreciate this one:

What’s the definition of a yeshivish car?

Everything makes noise except the horn and the radio.

You could still be a Yeshivish out of towner to get it!

amother

Whitesmoke

Yesterday at 4:59 pm

amother Myrtle wrote:

Some bochurim who weren't accepted snuck into Brisk. R' AY announced everyone who doesn't belong should leave. A bochur called out "I'll pay for half the party!"
(Hint: kamtza and bar kamtza)

Unfortunately this one is true. A school that doesn't accept someone is doing exactly that. Pure sinas chinam

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:49 pm

Another allegedly true story:

In 1991, when the UN gave Iraq until Jan. 15 to withdraw from Kuwait and Sadaam was threatening to attack EY, people in Yerushalayim were busy preparing their sealed rooms, getting their gas masks, and panicking--until a rumor spread through the streets of Yerushalayim:

"Reb Shlomo Zalman said the deadline is Jan. 15, and on Jan. 16, we're all going to say Hallel! And this year, on Tisha B'av, we're all going to eat meat!"

People were ecstatic and it spread through the streets like wildfire. Until they realized that Jan. 16 was Rosh Chodesh and in 1991, Tisha B'av fell out on Shabbos.

Our gedolim have the best sense of humor Smile

↑ Hashem_Yaazor

Yesterday at 7:52 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Unfortunately this one is true. A school that doesn't accept someone is doing exactly that. Pure sinas chinam

This is a Yeshiva for post high school bochurim who likely are all gems. The problem is that not every Yeshiva has enough seats and beds to take everyone that wants to come. It's not sinas chinam to not take everyone...

honey36 ↓

Yesterday at 8:55 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

I think your mixing up two jokes.

The person who looks for heterim gets the shack in gan Eden (someone else posted this above)

Separate joke (not really a joke but..): The guy who never worked on himself to enjoy learning and always dreaded going to the beis medrash. He gets to the next world. There they lock him in a room with a Gemara and a shtender. He asks- am I in Gan Eden or Gehenim? They answer- both. They are one and the same.

↑ honey36

Yesterday at 9:05 pm

A guy begins working in a frum office. There is a small shared fridge so he brings a carton of milk for his coffee and leaves it there.
The next day he sees his milk is gone. Okay, he thinks someone thought it was hefker. He brings a new carton of milk, and writes his name on it. The next day it's gone again. He brings a new carton and writes his name again and adds in large letters -"not hefker". Again the milk disappears. And so it continues: He writes on the carton
"please do not take, I'm not mochel."
"V'ahavta lrayacha kamocha"
"Lo signov!! It's one of the aseres hadibros!"
And yet the milk continues to disappear.
Finally he writes on it "NOT chalav Yisrael". The milk never disappeared again.

amother

Ruby

Yesterday at 10:15 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

A bocher told his rosh yeshiva that he no longer believes and tomorrow he's going to get a cheeseburger. The rosh yeshiva said I'll take away your negel vasser in the morning so you won't be able to go

2 boys make a decision to go off the derech. They sit down to eat and the first boy starts making a bracha. The 2nd one says no we are not doing that anymore. The 1st goes ooh baruch sheim kevod...

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 10:27 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

2 boys make a decision to go off the derech. They sit down to eat and the first boy starts making a bracha. The 2nd one says no we are not doing that anymore. The 1st goes ooh baruch sheim kevod...

Good one!

There are a bunch of versions of this joke. In another one, after they decide to go OTD, one says to the other, "So, you wanna go to Domino's to get some pizza?"

The second guy looks at his watch. "I can't, I'm still fleishigs."