S/O Yeshivish humor

amother

↑ OP

Today at 9:07 am

amother Alyssum wrote:

A Breslover, a Lubavicher and a Litvack end up in Gehenom. They’re sitting there in gehenom when in walks Rav Nachman Mibreslov.

He says to the breslover “what are you doing here in gehenom?” “I did such and such serious aveiros, says the guy”.

“Listen” says Rav Nachman, you said Tikun Haklali, you said Tikkun Chatzos, I made a promise.” And he shleps the Breslover out of gehenom.

They’re sitting there for a while and in walks the Lubavicher Rebbe. He says to the Lubavicher “What are you doing here in gehenom?” “ I did such and such serious aveiros”.

The rebbe says “listen, you said Chitas, you did shlichus and put tefillin on some guys in Timbuktu, you don’t belong here.” And he shleps the Lubavicher out of gehenom.

The Litvak is sitting there in Gehenom all alone for the longest time when in walks his Rosh Yeshiva. He takes one look at his talmid sitting there in gehenom and says “I told you!”.

An alternative ending if you're telling this to a chabad guy:

The Rebbe looks at the Lubavitcher, hands him a $10 bill and says, "Hatzlacha on your shlichus."

amother

↑ Rose

Today at 9:13 am

I hope noone gets upset at this one -

a bochur getting married is the reverse process of someone dying
someone dying- they are on life support, then put in the freezer, then shipped to Eretz Yisrael
a bochur getting married - goes to eretz yisrael, then is in the freezer, then is on life support

↑ happytobemom

Today at 9:17 am

amother Begonia wrote:

There is, of course, another way to interpret this:

"Rabbos machshavos b'lev ish, v'atzas Hashem hee......Sakum!"

(Feel free to quote this as needed.)

Loved this part of your post!

amother

Moccasin ↓

Today at 9:22 am

A litvak came to the Satmar Rebbi that he has proof that men should learn and woman work. Because it says in haggada "every boy should be thrown into the water and the girls should live" so every man should immerse in yam hatalmud and woman should bring livelihood. To which the Rebbi responsed "who are you quoting? Paroh!"

↑ Chayalle

Today at 9:28 am

amother Moccasin wrote:

This week's Parsha! Gotta tell DH this one...

amother

↑ Moccasin ↓

Today at 9:31 am

A bocher told his rosh yeshiva that he no longer believes and tomorrow he's going to get a cheeseburger. The rosh yeshiva said I'll take away your negel vasser in the morning so you won't be able to go

amother

↑ Moccasin ↓

Today at 9:38 am

This is an old one: A bocher wants to buy a tv so he puts on a baseball cap and tucks in his tzitzis and tells the man working at the store "I want to buy this television". The man says you're a yeshiva boy and I'm not selling it to you. So the boy leaves, takes off his white shirt and puts on t-shirt. Goes back and tells the man " I want that television." same thing the man says he can't sell it to him. Hi keeps on leaving and coming back more dressed up but it's not helping. Till he asks the worker, how do you know I'm a yeshiva bochur? The man says "because that's a microwave!"

amother

↑ Moccasin

Today at 9:49 am

I'm loving this thread, and yes I'm chassidish.
A bachur was out on a date and he bumped into his chaver. He's embarrassed that he's walking with this girl so he quickly says "she's my cousin." the friend answers "yeah she was my cousin last week."

amother

↑ Clover

Today at 12:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

An alternative ending if you're telling this to a chabad guy:

The Rebbe looks at the Lubavitcher, hands him a $10 bill and says, "Hatzlacha on your shlichus."

Yes I wrote that a page or two back.

amother

↑ Myrtle ↓

Today at 12:31 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

In one of the Yeshivas in Europe there was one nice coat that all the bochurim wore for shidduchim. When one bochur lost a button, the girl saved it and gave it to the next bochur she met.

amother

Burlywood

Today at 12:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

An alternative ending if you're telling this to a chabad guy:

The Rebbe looks at the Lubavitcher, hands him a $10 bill and says, "Hatzlacha on your shlichus."

From a Lubavitcher who gets about 90% of these jokes, they're hilarious!

I heard a similar one: A Lubavither ends up in Gehenom, and as one does when in a new place, immediately starts looking around for where to establish his Chabad house.

He hears of a good spot, but when he gets there, he sees that another shliach has already taken the place and the one right next to it.

When he asks the shliach why he needs two spots, the shliach answers "I'm saving it for my son".

amother

↑ Bubblegum ↓

Today at 1:20 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

Omg:lol

You are waay too serious about this.
Ppl don't get the jokes bc they're not familiar with that type of Yeshivish(so many types lol)

For some reason chassidish ppl think they're the only happy ones around Can't Believe It

Huh? I was asking sincerely why every few jokes need to be explained

Why the personal attack? Chasidim don't own happiness

But now that u mentioned it, hey maybe!

amother

DarkKhaki

Today at 1:46 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

This was originally a "dumb blonde" joke where she keeps dying her hair different colors, but other than that it's the same.

amother

↑ Alyssum ↓

Today at 2:25 pm

A yeshiva guy dies and unfortunately gets sent to gehenom. He enters to find a beautifully lit beis medrash and a chair and shtender with a Gemara just for him. There doesn’t seem to be anything to do but learn so he learns for a fairly pleasant couple of hours and then figures he’ll go check out the coffee room. As soon as he begins to rise from his chair a malach hurries over. “Sit back down. This is gehenom. There’s no going to the coffee room. Here we bring you the coffee.”

amother

↑ Alyssum ↓

Today at 2:32 pm

I seem to recall them telling the story about a yeshiva guy who wasn’t all there who was really unhappy with the answer given to a question by Tosfos. They caught him ripping the Tosfos out of the page of Gemara.

“Stop,” they yelled at him. “What are you doing?”

“Such a Tosfos doesn’t belong in the Gemara!” He replied.

“But there’s another Tosfos on the other side of the page,” they countered.

אוי לרשע אוי לשכינו.” was his reply.

Another time (don’t remember if it was the same guy) they caught him taking a Sefer, a Rashba into the bathroom to learn.

“You can’t take a Rashba into the bathroom!” they reprimanded him.

“Why not? The Rashba himself went into the bathroom!”

amother

↑ Alyssum ↓

Today at 2:37 pm

My DH had to explain this one to me. Apparently there’s something called Shibuda Drav Nosson which is a (Gemara?) principle that if A owes B money and B owes C money then A is supposed to pay directly to C.

Well they spot this yeshivish guy opening cans of beer and pouring them into the urinal. “What in the world are you doing”, he was asked.

“Shibuda Dirav Nosson”.

amother

↑ Pink

Today at 2:37 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

A BMG guy. He’s Redt all over (to lots of girls).

This joke is too good to say wrong.

What's black and white and red all over?
A Yeshiva bochur in the freezer

(Redt all over)