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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Our Challenging Children
amother
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 Today at 6:43 am
| amother DarkPurple wrote: | I was that child, and yes I am bh happily married.
AFTER finishing school, where I was miserable, I found a job, a couple side jobs, starting opening my mind, my world view, helping people, tutoring, babysitting for family friends (for cheap).... after a couple years in the work force, I became mature, responsible, and I enjoyed giving/doing for others.
Only then was I able to get married. I dated before but bh none of those worked out because it would not have been a happy marriage. |
So inspiring
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amother
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Today at 6:48 am
| amother Midnight wrote: | I can relate as a parent, one of my kid’s personality sounds so similar…
Can I ask what boundaries you had to set with your daughter? Did they work? What did you do if she didn’t listen?
Thank you! |
Our therapist recommended we choose 3 or 4 boundaries to be strict about, eg not cursing, attending school, and consequences for us are either taking time away from being on technology or docking her pocket money by $5 per infringement.
BH these have worked.
Choosing a few boundaries shows we are in control without us moaning at her ALL THE TIME.
Hatzlocha, I hope this can help you.
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amother
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Today at 7:11 am
| amother OP wrote: | | This is intriguing! Please explain to me what was going through your head when you were being impossible? Did you gain a self awareness as you grew older to get you to a point of realizing your behavior was unacceptable? Did you ever apologize to your parents for what you put them through? |
What was going through my head?
Um, not sure... I had a very turbulent teenagerhood- my parents had (have) bad shalom bayis which affected me the most as the oldest, I basically parented myself and my siblings because my mother was checked out and my father was too in a different way, I also had hormonal imbalances which at times gave me crazy mood swings, I was depressed for all of tenth grade and some of eleventh- I got therapy but quit because I hated the therapist...
The impossibleness I think came because of personality clashes with my parents. My mother is the opposite of me so she couldn't understand me, and I am a carbon copy of my father so he couldn't stand me. It definitely wasnt on purpose, it was just me feeling super misunderstood and alone.
I did great in camp and seminary- any setting away from home. After seminary I traveled constantly, flew in for every wedding and spent many shabbosim away from home- I was searching for a healthy stable environment.
Yes I gained self awareness as I grew older. Emotional regulation is still a struggle for me but I have really worked on it. I bh have a great marriage and my husband is super understanding. sadly I do sometimes lash out at him when I am overwhelmed or stressed but then once I am regulated I can explain what I was feeling and I apologize. Does that count for anything? Its really not often that that happens.
No I never apologized for what I put my parents through. They put me through hell.
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amother
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Today at 8:39 am
| amother Amaryllis wrote: | What was going through my head?
Um, not sure... I had a very turbulent teenagerhood- my parents had (have) bad shalom bayis which affected me the most as the oldest, I basically parented myself and my siblings because my mother was checked out and my father was too in a different way, I also had hormonal imbalances which at times gave me crazy mood swings, I was depressed for all of tenth grade and some of eleventh- I got therapy but quit because I hated the therapist...
The impossibleness I think came because of personality clashes with my parents. My mother is the opposite of me so she couldn't understand me, and I am a carbon copy of my father so he couldn't stand me. It definitely wasnt on purpose, it was just me feeling super misunderstood and alone.
I did great in camp and seminary- any setting away from home. After seminary I traveled constantly, flew in for every wedding and spent many shabbosim away from home- I was searching for a healthy stable environment.
Yes I gained self awareness as I grew older. Emotional regulation is still a struggle for me but I have really worked on it. I bh have a great marriage and my husband is super understanding. sadly I do sometimes lash out at him when I am overwhelmed or stressed but then once I am regulated I can explain what I was feeling and I apologize. Does that count for anything? Its really not often that that happens.
No I never apologized for what I put my parents through. They put me through hell. |
Thank you so much for sharing this deeply personal and painful part of your life, which you have managed to mostly break away from and triumph over. I feel sick to hear about what you went through and am not surprised that you were not ok under those circumstances.
I'm filled with hope that you found a wonderful husband and are in a much better place now. Even your outbursts are few and far between and yes, it counts for a lot that you immediately acknowledge what you've done and apologize. You sound extremely self aware and healthy.
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amother
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Today at 10:10 am
| amother OP wrote: | We see an educational psychologist but really I think any type of therapist would work as long as they have insight into your situation, experience with those kinds of children and the ability to provide practical tools for you to implement.
I hate to say this and it's awful to be blamed when trying your hardest in a tough situation, but sometimes our misguided parenting CAN exacerbate the situation. Certainly our permissiveness due to thinking our daughter needed space, ADDED to her dysfunction. We were taught how actually it was boundaries she needed to contain her. |
Are you in NY a state? Where did you find your therapist? I need this help.
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amother
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Today at 10:12 am
| amother Khaki wrote: | | Sounds like what I was as a teenager. Don’t worry about the marriage, worry about how your relationship with her will progress when she is an adult… | why not to worry about the marriage? My daughter is also perfect student and obnoxious at home. Really working on the relationship.
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amother
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Today at 10:25 am
| amother Red wrote: | | why not to worry about the marriage? My daughter is also perfect student and obnoxious at home. Really working on the relationship. |
Because when she gets married she lwon’t be living in YOUR home.
Don’t try to make it out that some kids were just born bad apples so they are not fit for any relationships. It’s often the environment they are currently in that brings out the worst in them.
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newinbp
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Today at 10:27 am
Wow OP! Sounds you are putting in such good efforts for your child  Will you please pm me the name of the educational psychologist? Sounds like it could be extremely helpful for our daughter as well. Thanks, hatzlacha!
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amother
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Today at 10:29 am
| amother OP wrote: | | She wants this however she really does need the structure of school. And more importantly, I need her at school, I wouldn't cope with her hanging around the house all day and fighting with me about wanting to be on the phone. |
It sounds like she's telling you what she needs but you aren't able to give it to her.
Is there a way she could get structure outside of school? Could she get a part time job in a shul or something? Volunteer regularly? And then be homeschooled.
If someone forced you to go spend all day at a job you hated, weren't successful at and weren't getting paid for because they need you out of the house, how well would you get along with that person?
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amother
Jean
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Today at 10:30 am
Dd 15 struggling with emotional regulation has always been explosive moody, inflexible, rigid and a very negative deeply complicated kid. We all walk on eggshells around her and have done tons of therapy for her and us w o much success. She displays signs of DMDD and personality disorder since toddler hood over therapist felt it might be signs of hidden autism especially with her rigidity and social issues, who knows
otoh she is also academically top and very attractive (snobby) personality and gifted so dh and I hang onto hope that her healthy parts outshine her very injured ones more and more. These are the words her first grade teacher told me and it keeps me going in hard times. Beh her healthy parts should overpower her unhealthy parts
She has started to make and sustain friendships bh in past year which is a glimmer of hope
I had relative with similar personality that only after being hit with her divorce few days after Sheva brachos did she heal and turn herself aroun
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sigree
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Today at 10:33 am
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I was the difficult child and am bh very happily married. Having someone to love me unconditionally and being a mother has tempered me a lot and allowed the positives of my strong personality to show through. I was mostly in pain and misunderstood though so having someone agency over my own life combined with having a true best friend really changed me. Hope my kids don’t put me through what I put my parents through
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amother
Maple
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Today at 10:54 am
This thread gives me hope.
I have 2 kids with adhd. (One w adhd+anxiety+medical trauma) another kid with learning challanges. (Dh likely has adhd. And I have "only" functional dyslexia. Lol)
Sometimes I feel like I'm a zookeeper (the only NT) with many chayos hakodesh.
I have the hardest time with my oldest. Simply becuase she's the first to do/be all those things oldest do/are and also she's a carbon copy of dh. Dh and I bh have really good SB (not naturally but becuase of brutally hard work!) I love him like my limb. I've come to appreciate his strong qualities. And even love his weaker parts. I know I'm not responsible for his faults and he will pick up after himself if he drops the ball (his hard work. He didn't always. And he does now)
With my kid, I feel responsible to teach her how to, and I have a responsibility of chinuch. And I feel like that is what's causing my challanges with her. Also, her dropping so many balls, 4 kids of doing that, and I'm just one "ball picker upper". It can get too much. So I pick put down boundaries regarding those. And when they suffer the consequences, the blame me, hate me and give it out on me.
Also, dh and her are both stubborn in the same ways. And they butt heads. I find it so reduculously stupid. (The one part in our marriage I'm still struggling) and feel like they're two preteens when this happens. (Often)
I also feel like my kids feels misunderstood. And unsupported. Even with his hard I try.
Oldesr needs more freedom to spread her wings. But her sister who's 2 years younger is just the opposite. She needs more boundaries. But she's INSAINELY jelous of whatever her older sister has. She has plenty. Proportionally the equivalent. And I'd even venture to say, that she has more than what her sister had at her age!
The jelousy and entitlement really ruin the entire family environment.
My younger children (one possibly adhd, another with learning challanges and possible adhd too) are so content and happy and amicable when the older ones aren't around. It hurts me that it is that way.
I know they will do great in marriage. I'm not concerned about that. They are really great kids. Smart, capable, talented, open to learning and growing. They are both pretty self aware. It's something I've encouraged and was always good at reflecting with my kids bh. And I see that it has helped them tremendously. But they don't always feel in control of their actions even if they know it's wrong. They are also experts at oushing each other's buttons a little too hard a little too frequently. I'm sure as they grow they will learn to control it better over time. And when they get married, they'll be out of each other's hair.
I've read so many books, spoke to so many ppl, work with a therapist. But we're all still struggling.
I wish I could have someone live in my house for a bit and help we out where we're stuck.
Point of my long post, it's not always the patents that cause the family's challenging dynamics.
Sometimes it's just children's personality that causes those issues.
I strongly believe. Some kids are born to live independently as adults.
And I got 2 such kids. We all just got to survive their childhood.
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amother
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Today at 11:05 am
| amother Red wrote: | | Are you in NY a state? Where did you find your therapist? I need this help. |
Unfortunately we are very far from there. I'm sure there is help to be found in NY. The therapist we found was recommended by a friend. NY ladies, anyone know someone who could fit the bill?
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amother
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Today at 11:07 am
| amother Khaki wrote: | Because when she gets married she lwon’t be living in YOUR home.
Don’t try to make it out that some kids were just born bad apples so they are not fit for any relationships. It’s often the environment they are currently in that brings out the worst in them. |
I do agree with you and Chas veshalom is she bad apple.
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amother
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Today at 11:09 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Unfortunately we are very far from there. I'm sure there is help to be found in NY. The therapist we found was recommended by a friend. NY ladies, anyone know someone who could fit the bill? |
I don’t know anyone in my circles whose kids are like my kid and if their kid is they’re not talking about it
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amother
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Today at 11:14 am
| amother Jean wrote: | Dd 15 struggling with emotional regulation has always been explosive moody, inflexible, rigid and a very negative deeply complicated kid. We all walk on eggshells around her and have done tons of therapy for her and us w o much success. She displays signs of DMDD and personality disorder since toddler hood over therapist felt it might be signs of hidden autism especially with her rigidity and social issues, who knows
otoh she is also academically top and very attractive (snobby) personality and gifted so dh and I hang onto hope that her healthy parts outshine her very injured ones more and more. These are the words her first grade teacher told me and it keeps me going in hard times. Beh her healthy parts should overpower her unhealthy parts
She has started to make and sustain friendships bh in past year which is a glimmer of hope
I had relative with similar personality that only after being hit with her divorce few days after Sheva brachos did she heal and turn herself aroun |
Wow, divorce after Sheva Brochas... That sounds like it was a huge wake-up call. Thank you for sharing about your daughter. My daughter has many of the traits you described and I so relate to the walking on eggshells. So very difficult.
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amother
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Today at 11:15 am
| amother Red wrote: | | I don’t know anyone in my circles whose kids are like my kid and if their kid is they’re not talking about it |
Right. Could you make a new post describing your child and ask where you might get help in your area?
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