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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
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 Yesterday at 10:30 pm
| #BestBubby wrote: | No, it is not normal for a 7 y.o. to pinch and pull up her mothers skirt because her mother said I will help you in a minute.
It is children who are not punished who act this way.
This child CAN control herself.
This child never acts this way to her teachers because she knows she can't get away with it
She acts this way with her mother because she can get away with it. |
Children who are punished can also act this way. It has to do either dysregulation and maturity not punishment.
Kids need their physical needs met- hunger, exhaustion, thirst, needing the bathroom. All these things can make a regular child act irregular.
Why smack if an apple works?
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chanatron1000
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Yesterday at 10:33 pm
| #BestBubby wrote: | Why did she do it?
Because she knows she can get away with it.
What does she need?
A punishment that will deter her.
And teaching her what a serious aveirah hitting a parent is - Chayav Misa. |
Punishments aren't always deterrents. A common pattern is, the parent punishes, so the child gets angry and retaliates, so the parents punish more severely, and it escalates until the parents run out of punishments that wouldn't land them in jail.
Teaching kids that hitting a parent is chayav misa is a recipe for mental health issues. I know for a fact that it specifically has led to OCD-like disordered thinking and behavior more than once.
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#BestBubby
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Yesterday at 10:33 pm
| amother Blue wrote: | Children who are punished can also act this way. It has to do either dysregulation and maturity not punishment.
Kids need their physical needs met- hunger, exhaustion, thirst, needing the bathroom. All these things can make a regular child act irregular.
Why smack if an apple works? |
No parent who potches ever wrote a thread my child hit me. Not one in over 20 years.
I listed about a dozen threads of parents who are hit by their kids and every one of them said I never potch.
That is the proof what the cause is.
And you don't HAVE to potch but you do have to have a strong enough punishment to deter.
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chanatron1000
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Yesterday at 10:35 pm
| #BestBubby wrote: | | No parent who potches ever wrote a thread my child hit. |
Maybe the parents who don't potch are the ones who are more thoughtful in their parenting and want to discuss their choices, while the ones who do potch tend to be more reactive and set in their ways.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:38 pm
| #BestBubby wrote: | Because she is NOT disabled.
This little girl is BH normal girl who is out of control because she never was punished.
I am sure OP told her many times nicely how to behave.
For some children punishment is necessary. |
When a child (or an adult) is emotionally dysregulated, it stems from the nervous system shutting down in a sense. It’s the physiological that causes the emotional reaction. The child is limited in that situation. Almost disabled. Yes he can control himself in school where he has no choice but to behave. But that is not healthy for a home. He should not have to control it at home, which is supposed to be a warm nurturing place that helps him to be his best self. The fact that he could control it in school for fear of punishment does not mean he should control it at home for fear of punishment. At home he should be understood and seen for his challenges and guided to grow from them, not punished for what he can barely control.
I say this very passionately- no child wants to misbehave. Children are not trying to get away with misbehaving. No child is happy while throwing a tantrum. I see it first hand with my kids who struggle with dysregulatuon. They are screaming out for help. And I can cry for them and with them. (When I’m not triggered that is)
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:41 pm
| #BestBubby wrote: | No parent who potches ever wrote a thread my child hit me. Not one in over 20 years.
I listed about a dozen threads of parents who are hit by their kids and every one of them said I never potch.
That is the proof what the cause is.
And you don't HAVE to potch but you do have to have a strong enough punishment to deter. |
No I disagree. The only thing it shows is that kids are more dysregulated nowadays which we know already. ADHD and autism exploded over the past 40? years. Potching also causes dysregulation in children btw.
Besides looking for evidence here is not very scientific. We learn very few facts about the family situation in each post. It could also be the same poster posting multiple times. It might be the facts presented are not reality. Imamother proves nothing at all.
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giftedmom
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Yesterday at 10:44 pm
| amother Oldlace wrote: | Of course I didn't equate the two. They're very different. The mother knew she was making a mistake from previous experiences and kept doing it. The child was completely dysregulated and no idea with she was doing. And then the mother got dysregulated and smacked her against her better judgment.
And I'm not here to judge either of them. Only to say that maybe there's a better way. Which is exactly what OP wanted. I'm not here to shame the mother any more than I would want to shame the child. There are better ways of teaching people lessons than through aggression, physical or verbal. |
This is everything that’s wrong with “gentle parenting” in a nutshell. It is raising monsters
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#BestBubby
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Yesterday at 10:44 pm
| amother Hyssop wrote: | | Yes he can control himself in school where he has no choice but to behave. But that is not healthy for a home. He should not have to control it at home, which is supposed to be a warm nurturing place that helps him to be his best self. The fact that he could control it in school for fear of punishment does not mean he should control it at home for fear of punishment. |
😲
I rest my case. You people believe that children who can control themselves at school should be allowed to be out of control at home and should hit their parents without any fear of punishment.
I rest my case!
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:46 pm
| giftedmom wrote: | | This is everything that’s wrong with “gentle parenting” in a nutshell. It is raising monsters |
No, non-parenting is what raises monsters. Stopping to hit without replacing it with positive and proactive discipline strategies will raise monsters. Compassionate and loving parenting raises children who are compassionate and loving.
There really is a better way.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:48 pm
| giftedmom wrote: | | This is everything that’s wrong with “gentle parenting” in a nutshell. It is raising monsters |
IMO hitting raises monsters. Abuse cycles to the next generation.
Using positive parenting skills is a win-win for all.
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:49 pm
| #BestBubby wrote: | 😲
I rest my case. You people believe that children who can control themselves at school should be allowed to be out of control at home and should hit their parents without any fear of punishment.
I rest my case! |
I don't recall a single poster saying children should be allowed to hate their parents. Only that children should be taught not to hit their parents with kind and patient methods.
To quote Rav Matisyahu Solomon (traditional enough for you?): A child who comes home at the end of the school day is a rachmanus. He's been abused all day and now just needs some love and a place to breathe.
In school, children are stuck behind a desk, not allowed to talk without raising their hand, not allowed to go to the bathroom without permission, which is often turned down. They're only allowed to stand up for 15 minutes out of every few hours. Is that what a home should look like? Or would that home be abusive?
Home is not school and school is not home. At home, children learn to recognize their emotions and behaviors and to manage them in healthy ways. How to navigate interpersonal relationships and their relationship with themselves. That's not learned in school.
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giftedmom
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Yesterday at 10:50 pm
| amother Blue wrote: | IMO hitting raises monsters. Abuse cycles to the next generation.
Using positive parenting skills is a win-win for all. |
Abusive hitting yes. Hitting when a child hurts you, no. Kids aren’t stupid.
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amother
Wine
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Yesterday at 10:51 pm
| #BestBubby wrote: | 😲
I rest my case. You people believe that children who can control themselves at school should be allowed to be out of control at home and should hit their parents without any fear of punishment.
I rest my case! |
Do you mind if I ask what is your relationship like with your adult children today?
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amother
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Yesterday at 10:52 pm
[quote="#BestBubby"]😲
I rest my case. You people believe that children who can control themselves at school should be allowed to be out of control at home and should hit their parents without any fear of punishment.
I rest my case |
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