I smacked my daughter. Hard. :( Update pg 19

amother

↑ Blue ↓

Yesterday at 7:30 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

No, it is not normal for a 7 y.o. to pinch and pull up her mothers skirt because her mother said I will help you in a minute.

It is children who are not punished who act this way.

This child CAN control herself.
This child never acts this way to her teachers because she knows she can't get away with it

She acts this way with her mother because she can get away with it.

Children who are punished can also act this way. It has to do either dysregulation and maturity not punishment.
Kids need their physical needs met- hunger, exhaustion, thirst, needing the bathroom. All these things can make a regular child act irregular.
Why smack if an apple works?

↑ chanatron1000 ↓

Yesterday at 7:33 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Why did she do it?

Because she knows she can get away with it.

What does she need?

A punishment that will deter her.

And teaching her what a serious aveirah hitting a parent is - Chayav Misa.

Punishments aren't always deterrents. A common pattern is, the parent punishes, so the child gets angry and retaliates, so the parents punish more severely, and it escalates until the parents run out of punishments that wouldn't land them in jail.

Teaching kids that hitting a parent is chayav misa is a recipe for mental health issues. I know for a fact that it specifically has led to OCD-like disordered thinking and behavior more than once.

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 7:33 pm

amother Blue wrote:

No parent who potches ever wrote a thread my child hit me. Not one in over 20 years.

I listed about a dozen threads of parents who are hit by their kids and every one of them said I never potch.

That is the proof what the cause is.

And you don't HAVE to potch but you do have to have a strong enough punishment to deter.

↑ chanatron1000 ↓

Yesterday at 7:35 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

No parent who potches ever wrote a thread my child hit.

Maybe the parents who don't potch are the ones who are more thoughtful in their parenting and want to discuss their choices, while the ones who do potch tend to be more reactive and set in their ways.

amother

Hyssop ↓

Yesterday at 7:38 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Because she is NOT disabled.

This little girl is BH normal girl who is out of control because she never was punished.

I am sure OP told her many times nicely how to behave.

For some children punishment is necessary.

When a child (or an adult) is emotionally dysregulated, it stems from the nervous system shutting down in a sense. It’s the physiological that causes the emotional reaction. The child is limited in that situation. Almost disabled. Yes he can control himself in school where he has no choice but to behave. But that is not healthy for a home. He should not have to control it at home, which is supposed to be a warm nurturing place that helps him to be his best self. The fact that he could control it in school for fear of punishment does not mean he should control it at home for fear of punishment. At home he should be understood and seen for his challenges and guided to grow from them, not punished for what he can barely control.
I say this very passionately- no child wants to misbehave. Children are not trying to get away with misbehaving. No child is happy while throwing a tantrum. I see it first hand with my kids who struggle with dysregulatuon. They are screaming out for help. And I can cry for them and with them. (When I’m not triggered that is)

amother

↑ Blue ↓

Yesterday at 7:41 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

No I disagree. The only thing it shows is that kids are more dysregulated nowadays which we know already. ADHD and autism exploded over the past 40? years. Potching also causes dysregulation in children btw.
Besides looking for evidence here is not very scientific. We learn very few facts about the family situation in each post. It could also be the same poster posting multiple times. It might be the facts presented are not reality. Imamother proves nothing at all.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Yesterday at 7:44 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

Of course I didn't equate the two. They're very different. The mother knew she was making a mistake from previous experiences and kept doing it. The child was completely dysregulated and no idea with she was doing. And then the mother got dysregulated and smacked her against her better judgment.

And I'm not here to judge either of them. Only to say that maybe there's a better way. Which is exactly what OP wanted. I'm not here to shame the mother any more than I would want to shame the child. There are better ways of teaching people lessons than through aggression, physical or verbal.

This is everything that’s wrong with “gentle parenting” in a nutshell. It is raising monsters

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 7:44 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

Yes he can control himself in school where he has no choice but to behave. But that is not healthy for a home. He should not have to control it at home, which is supposed to be a warm nurturing place that helps him to be his best self. The fact that he could control it in school for fear of punishment does not mean he should control it at home for fear of punishment.

😲

I rest my case. You people believe that children who can control themselves at school should be allowed to be out of control at home and should hit their parents without any fear of punishment.

I rest my case!

amother

↑ Oldlace ↓

Yesterday at 7:46 pm

giftedmom wrote:

This is everything that’s wrong with “gentle parenting” in a nutshell. It is raising monsters

No, non-parenting is what raises monsters. Stopping to hit without replacing it with positive and proactive discipline strategies will raise monsters. Compassionate and loving parenting raises children who are compassionate and loving.

There really is a better way.

amother

↑ Blue ↓

Yesterday at 7:48 pm

giftedmom wrote:

This is everything that’s wrong with “gentle parenting” in a nutshell. It is raising monsters

IMO hitting raises monsters. Abuse cycles to the next generation.
Using positive parenting skills is a win-win for all.

amother

↑ Oldlace

Yesterday at 7:49 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I don't recall a single poster saying children should be allowed to hate their parents. Only that children should be taught not to hit their parents with kind and patient methods.

To quote Rav Matisyahu Solomon (traditional enough for you?): A child who comes home at the end of the school day is a rachmanus. He's been abused all day and now just needs some love and a place to breathe.

In school, children are stuck behind a desk, not allowed to talk without raising their hand, not allowed to go to the bathroom without permission, which is often turned down. They're only allowed to stand up for 15 minutes out of every few hours. Is that what a home should look like? Or would that home be abusive?

Home is not school and school is not home. At home, children learn to recognize their emotions and behaviors and to manage them in healthy ways. How to navigate interpersonal relationships and their relationship with themselves. That's not learned in school.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Yesterday at 7:50 pm

amother Blue wrote:

IMO hitting raises monsters. Abuse cycles to the next generation.
Using positive parenting skills is a win-win for all.

Abusive hitting yes. Hitting when a child hurts you, no. Kids aren’t stupid.

amother

Wine

Yesterday at 7:51 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Do you mind if I ask what is your relationship like with your adult children today?

amother

↑ Hyssop ↓

Yesterday at 7:52 pm

[quote="#BestBubby"]😲

I rest my case. You people believe that children who can control themselves at school should be allowed to be out of control at home and should hit their parents without any fear of punishment.

I rest my case![/quote

Here’s my question to you. Take this chikd who is an angel in school (because of fear of punishment). You see he can control himself when he wants to. So that’s not the issue. And the issue isn’t either that he doesn’t know it’s wrong to hit/ misbehave. Because cmon which kid doesn’t know that. So then what are you teaching him by punishing?

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 7:54 pm

Children who can refrain from hitting their teachers

Can refrain from hitting their parents.

The reason they hit their mothers and not their teachers is that there are no consequences for hitting their mothers.

And according to Hyssop, there shouldn't be any consequences for hitting a mother

Children should feel " safe" to hit their mothers without any fear of punishment.

I am not the crazy one here.

amother

↑ Blue ↓

Yesterday at 7:54 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

It is very very common for children to hold it together in school which is a structured setting for a limited amount of hours each day, and then fall apart once they get home. Home hours are not as structured. Children cannot be on their best behavior 24/7 and need downtime to relax. They are looking for love and attention from those closest to them- their parents. They cannot get this in school while sitting at a desk.

No they should not be allowed to be out of control at home. They should not be hitting anyone, parents or siblings. Nor do they must be punished or smacked for losing it.

Do you never lose it when you're exhausted and hungry? Do you think a smack would help you hold it together for a few more minutes?

amother

↑ Blue ↓

Yesterday at 7:58 pm

giftedmom wrote:

Abusive hitting yes. Hitting when a child hurts you, no. Kids aren’t stupid.

It doesn't have to do with intelligence. This is science. How the body and brain processes getting physically hurt by people who are supposed to love you the most in the world. What that teaches the child's psyche. What the child learns about problem solving methods and one day his own parenting skills.
It passes on much unhealthiness to the next generation. That's what I mean by raising monsters.

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 7:59 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

Here’s my question to you. Take this chikd who is an angel in school (because of fear of punishment). You see he can control himself when he wants to. So that’s not the issue. And the issue isn’t either that he doesn’t know it’s wrong to hit/ misbehave. Because cmon which kid doesn’t know that. So then what are you teaching him by punishing?

The same thing the child knows at school.

That you can't hit a parent just like that child is afraid to hit her teachers.

↑ giftedmom ↓

Yesterday at 8:03 pm

amother Blue wrote:

A child’s body and brain should process that you hurt someone you get hurt in return. It’s a vital lesson. You should not be hurting the people who love you most in the world. That’s just basic.