I smacked my daughter. Hard. :(

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 11:31 pm

My 7 year old came home exhausted from school and needed my attention. She asked me to cut up an apple for her but I was in the midst of breading chicken and told her I'll get to her in a min. She got mad and said she'll do it herself (using a butter knife). A min later I rinsed my hands and told her, okay, I'm ready to cut it up now, but she didn't let me, she was too angry and just continued struggling with the butter knife. So I continued back to my supper making. After struggling for a couple min she gave up and said, cut it up now! I told her "I was ready before, but now I'm once again busy, give me just another min (I know that here I could have prevented things from escalating by just dropping whatever I was doing, but I didn't).
So she started throwing a tantrum and was totally out of control. She was lying on the floor pinching my feet nonstop and banging her head into me. I stayed calm and continued whatever it was I was doing. Then she lifted my skirt to my thighs (I was wearing short socks). I don't know why but that triggered me terribly, and instantly gave her a strong smack on her face.
She was bawling so hard she couldn't breathe. For one because it came as a complete shock (I never hit) and two because it came so forcefully.

I. Feel. So. Guilty. My baby was watching and she too got hysterical. I feel like the worlds worst mom. I tried to talk to her several times, but she was too angry at me. Later when she was calm I told her I want to give her a kiss where I hurt her. I hugged her and said I love her and that was that.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I think I need to get it off my chest. I feel awful!

dena613

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 11:33 pm

Apologize to her.

You made a mistake. It wasn't your shining moment. It was out of character. You're human. You'll do teshuva and do better.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 11:35 pm

These are exactly the moments that make us feel very guilty. It’s what follows and what we learn from these mistakes that matter.

BTDT, it’s not a good place to be, but what’s done is done, and it’s a good teaching moment for ourselves going forward.

sequoia ↓

Tue, Jan 07 2025, 11:40 pm

You need to apologize properly.

amother

Ballota ↓

Yesterday at 1:25 am

amother OP wrote:

My 7 year old came home exhausted from school and needed my attention. She asked me to cut up an apple for her but I was in the midst of breading chicken and told her I'll get to her in a min. She got mad and said she'll do it herself (using a butter knife). A min later I rinsed my hands and told her, okay, I'm ready to cut it up now, but she didn't let me, she was too angry and just continued struggling with the butter knife. So I continued back to my supper making. After struggling for a couple min she gave up and said, cut it up now! I told her "I was ready before, but now I'm once again busy, give me just another min (I know that here I could have prevented things from escalating by just dropping whatever I was doing, but I didn't).
So she started throwing a tantrum and was totally out of control. She was lying on the floor pinching my feet nonstop and banging her head into me. I stayed calm and continued whatever it was I was doing. Then she lifted my skirt to my thighs (I was wearing short socks). I don't know why but that triggered me terribly , and instantly gave her a strong smack on her face.
She was bawling so hard she couldn't breathe. For one because it came as a complete shock (I never hit) and two because it came so forcefully.

I. Feel. So. Guilty. My baby was watching and she too got hysterical. I feel like the worlds worst mom. I tried to talk to her several times, but she was too angry at me. Later when she was calm I told her I want to give her a kiss where I hurt her. I hugged her and said I love her and that was that.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I think I need to get it off my chest. I feel awful!

I highlighted 3 points in red that I would like to share with you.

I disagree that you could have dropped things to avoid this. Maybe it would have avoided it now, but it would push the problem further into the future. If you take apart what went wrong, from the entire interaction, here is alternate directions it could be taken-

7 yo comes home hangry, asks hangrily for your help with an apple. Saying soon is nice, but validation of being heard is more powerful. Wow, you are so hungry, let me put this down and wash my hands so I don't get raw chicken on your apple. How much time are you talking? Another minute or two? Distract her. Why don't you go wash your hands from school and get out a cup and drink too while I put this down and cut it up?

Now if she got to the next step of trying herself, again validate and seeking the good is more powerful. Wow, you really must be starving. I'm so sorry. Did you have enough lunch and snack. I'm so proud of you for being proactive, like a grown up, helping to take care of things.

Overall it could feel invalidating and she might miss your caring if you "okay im ready now, oh you don't want, straight back to my stuff, you are possibly giving cold shoulder-y-ish to her poor behavior vibes off.

So I see ways you could direct things differently if you find any ideas interesting. But I feel like drop everything doesn't teach her life skills to take forward. Modeling and guiding emotions is a teaching opportunity.

Could it be it triggered you because it was your child violating your tznius? That is extremely inappropriate behavior. I think it makes sense that while if a two year old did that you'd be calm but 7 is well past the point that you expect a certain level of decency. I think many people would feel those reaction to what happened. Maybe the shock helped you lose control in the moment. You said you never hit and its a total shock to you too and you regret it. No one is perfect and this was your day that you made a bad mistake that you regret so much. One mistake won't ruin things forever. You will not become a hitter if you lose yourself one time. You will be okay. You got this. Maybe it will even be to cement not reacting going forward and that it was a one time blip.

So the third part is I believe it best to talk age appropriately to her and apologize for hitting, say it was wrong, you made a big mistake too and you are very sorry for hitting. Then do a do over and discuss or act out together how you could have that hangry scene replayed in a healthy way. That teaches her. Also the younger child should be told mommy made a mistake is sorry and never hits and loves both of you so much.

All just my opinion, I don't know if anyone else will agree with my ideas, maybe something might be helpful.

thegiver

Yesterday at 1:33 am

She was hungry
You were triggered.
You both entered fight or flight. It’s hard to put your child first sometimes esp with rudeness
Apologize and tell her what you did wrong but also what you expect in future.

Talk it out in a loving moment. Even a few days later.

amother

Hawthorn

Yesterday at 1:55 am

I wouldn't apologize or feel guilty very long. Sometimes a kid needs a shock to the system. Sometimes a mother needs a shock to the system. It seems like the potch accomplished both very nicely and both parties will try a different approach next time. It's very nice to say I'm sorry I should have done something else in the moment but really anything you would have done otherwise would have either reinforced the behavior or dragged it out for hours. And apologizing now will undo what the potch actually did accomplish.

amother

DarkYellow

Yesterday at 2:16 am

Totally understandable! Please understand that there is a ton of middle ground between "totally ideal parenting" and "horrible parenting".

I totally understand the trigger, and can imagine myself acting the same way, even though I don't think it is ideal. We're human!

I wouldn't spend much time feeling upset. I'd apologize once, saying "hey, I shouldn't have hit you and I'm sorry. Btw, don't lift my skirt again, that crossed a major red line. You didn't deserve to be hit for it, but some other consequence"

#BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 2:38 am

DD deserved the smack.

You don't attack someone because you are hungry.

A child over 12/13 who hits a parent is Chaya Misa.

Parents ARE allowed to smack children.

↑ #BestBubby ↓

Yesterday at 2:39 am

All of those who say it is wrong to smack a child who physically assaults,

And you should apologize to a child who physically assaults

Are raising violent abusers.

ora_43 ↓

Yesterday at 4:09 am

I would talk to her one more time and say, 'I'm really sorry I hit so hard, that was an overreaction. You need to know that lifting up someone's clothing like that is very inappropriate. You absolutely cannot do that again. Not to me and not to anyone else.'

It's good to show the example of apologizing when you lose control but at the same time she really does need to know that what she did was way out of line.

As for the rest, I don't think you did anything wrong during that interaction. It sounds like she's a kid who struggles a bit with regulation, and an explosion was almost inevitable. IMO the lesson is to recognize that when she's in that kind of mood: (1) she probably needs immediate, active help calming down, (2) an explosion is likely (knowing this might make it easier not to overreact if she does something inappropriate, because it won't come as a surprise).

amother

Lily

Yesterday at 4:41 am

Is everyone ignoring the first sentence? Dd came home from school exhausted and needed her mothers attention. You didn't necessarily do anything so wrong OP, however to me it sounds like your daughter needed to be regulated when she came home and when she didn't get that she spiraled.

amother

Quince

Yesterday at 4:44 am

amother OP wrote:

Your daughter needs to learn how to hold her horses, mommy cant drop everything on spot just to peel an apple. Every seven year old understands this.
Pinching and banging her head on you is not acceptable by any standard. I would have reacted just like you.
A one time hard slap won't be a life lasting trauma. Trust me.

↑ ora_43

Yesterday at 4:53 am

amother Lily wrote:

Multiple posters have mentioned it.

But it's not like OP ignored her or denied her a snack. She recognized her emotions and promised to be with her in a minute.

amother

Mayflower

Yesterday at 5:06 am

I had something similar and feel terrible. Somehow being physically hurt or otherwise crossing physical boundaries makes me lash out in fight/flight. In my case it wasn't even being directly hurt by my child.

Chanukah I was deep frying donuts. My ten year old kept touching the spatula and I told him to stop, it was hot, to move over to the other side of the kitchen and watch from a distance. But he kept trying to take it again and again, so I reached out and grabbed the spatula from him and burned myself in the process. In that second I saw red. I was trying to protect him and his repeated not listening led me to get hurt. I grabbed him so hard and yelled at him that this is why he has to listen. He looked so scared I immediately felt awful.

Kids sometimes just have to learnt the hard way that there are lines that can't be crossed without natural consequences. If you hurt someone, they're going to be hurt. In an ideal world we'd all have full control over our emotions at all times, but in reality there are always going to be moments.

amother

Pearl

Yesterday at 5:12 am

When I was newly postpartum after an unexpected baby, in a really bad place mentally, my 3yo was really dysregulated. I worked so so so hard to be calm, patient and careful with him.

Except that one evening where he started throwing the food I'd made for supper - think salad etc - all over the kitchen, I comPLETEly lost it and slapped him really hard. Well guess what, while we are still dealing with the dysregulation in different areas, he never tried that 'trick' again. I was beside myself at the time, but it is a mistake that I haven't repeated either.

FTR, I am extremely careful about both hitting my kids and raising my voice at them, but postpartum it was really hard and I slipped way more times than I want to admit Crying

imaima ↓

Yesterday at 6:37 am

I am very uncivilized but do people not bite from an apple anymore?

mommy3b2c ↓

Yesterday at 6:44 am

amother Hawthorn wrote:

100% wrong . The shock will stay with her forever . The horrible trauma might be healed if her mom apologizes to her . AS SHE SHOULD! The mom was wrong , when we do something wrong we apologize. Her daughter should also apologize for what she did wrong but two wrongs don’t make a right .

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Yesterday at 6:48 am

amother Mayflower wrote:

Different scenario , but similar in its own way.

My son jumped out at me and yelled boo when he was around 10 . I nearly jumped out of my skin and my gut reaction was a smack in the face . It took me half a second to process what happened and then I burst out laughing . He was staring at me in shock . But through my laughter I gave him a hug and a kiss and I apologized. I said it was an accident, I literally reacted in the moment . For all I knew I wqs hitting a burglar . But that he now learned the natural consequence of screaming boo in someone’s face . He never did that again , lol .

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Yesterday at 6:50 am

#BestBubby wrote:

All of those who say it is wrong to smack a child who physically assaults,

And you should apologize to a child who physically assaults

Are raising violent abusers.

So by smacking children you are reaching them to not be violent ? Can’t say I really understand the logic . Scratching Head