I smacked my daughter. Hard. :(

amother

↑ Aster ↓

Today at 12:18 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

That’s because you either got lucky enough to marry someone who is probably a very emotionally person , or you are in denial .

Lol thanks for armchair-diagnosing me! I think I know my own mind more than you do. I'm not in denial about anything. I know my mother smacked me as a kid on more than "rare occasions" and I also know that I love my parents intensely, would do anything for them, will spend any amount of time with them, and I'm not traumatized or emotionally blocked.

Like I said, there's a lot of context. My husband got smacked by his father growing up (and his rebbeim, which I believe took a bigger toll because there was no love to offset it). He loves his parents too and would trust them with our kids and happily goes there all the time for Shabbos and YT, but he definitely held it against them more, had to spend time as a young adult working through his anger and bitterness against all the adults who smacked him growing up, and feels even more strongly against hitting than I do.

Neither of us are in denial, neither of us are suffering for it now as adults, but we definitely had a different journey here. So I can easily recognize that my personal journey was not a traumatic one, even though I remember those smacks very clearly.

amother

↑ Ballota

Today at 12:28 am

Just to weigh in on the hitting is needed sometimes versus raising snowflakes vs no respect for parents vs too much respect to children.

The Torah quite clearly states

1. You are never to hit out of anger. That means no hitting as a reaction.

2."Chotech shivto, sonei beno". You must discipline your children and guide them into preferably healthy well adjusted with life skills. We don't translate literally. With meforshim, discipline is not referring specifically about hitting. It just means discipline.

Yes, in the olden days everyone hit. Today almost no one uses hitting as a form of discipline, there are other forms. At most, people use non reactive single hit for extremely dangerous situations that the child is too young to deal with by talking, ie running into the street. We need to be aware, if you come from the thought that its okay, or recommended, we live in today's world where its really considered very wrong at best.

There are other ways to discipline. You should not raise children who are undisciplined. I personally believe that authoritative parenting is the definition of what is Torah prescribed, not authoritarian or permissive.

amother

↑ Stonewash ↓

Today at 12:42 am

amother Aster wrote:

I was definitely the recipient of more than a few smacks as a kid. On one memorable occasion there was a barrage to the face (my mother let me go late to school that morning, I wonder why...)
And I wouldn't say it has affected me long-term in any way. I love my parents without measure, I don't experience any physical or emotional discomfort around them, I would trust them with any of my kids... I sure didn't enjoy those occasions as a kid but I received a lot of love as well, grew up feeling loved and wanted and cared for, and as an adult looking back I can recognize that those were individual instances of an otherwise-extremely-loving mother getting overwhelmed in the moment from a very hectic daily life and reacting in a bad way. But the good times farrrrrr outweighed the smacks.

As a parent myself, I don't believe in hitting. Have I ever lost myself? VERY rarely, and I regretted it every time, and I am constantly working on myself to do better. My husband has never once hit any of our kids. It's not considered an acceptable parenting approach in our home.

But I wrote this post simply to disagree that if a kid was smacked throughout their childhood, it means they will be traumatized for life, emotionally harmed, and have a bad relationship with their parents, their spouse, and their future kids. There's a lot of context which matters a lot in the overall outcome. My parents' warm love far outweighed the physical punishment I got as a kid.

So much depends on so many variable factors.
One of my sisters, I'm pretty sure never hit her kids. She's by mature a me pragmatic, organized, less emotional person. She wasn't so effected by what was going on at home. She had a good school/social life. She tuned out a lot of what a going on at home. And lived for the times she was in school/ camp/ hanging out with friends
I am by nature a very sensitive deep person. I want able to tune out the chaos and abuse from my home life. It deeply effected and disturbed me.
Ironically, we look so so much alike. She act similarly. And our values are similar too. But our traumas and the way w proccesed it are completely different. She always played by the rules, and she knew how/ when to dissappear. She barely got beaten because she was barely arround. When my brother got a beating, she'd put on music on her walkman or walked out of the house tuning it out. And she truly did not hear his screams. I tried to intervene and stop it, when I knew I couldn't help, only make it worse, I hid in my room and davened to hashem to make it stop and then later checked in on him....
She was scarred. But not half as bad as me. (her words. But mine)
I was absolutely crushed.
I know I'm describing a very severe situation.
But the point is, everyone deals with different situations differently.

You obviously grew up with very loving, very flawed, and probably traumatized parents.
They truly did love you. And I'm sure they felt immense guilt when they "lost" it on you.
I'm so happy for you and them that you were able to feel the love and care with everything going on.

My mother would tell me she loved me. I knew she didn't even add a preschooler. She's not capable of that.
My father NEVER told me he loved me. I knew he does. He showed it to me every single day. When he was home, I knew she wouldn't dare do all the abuse. And I was too afraid to tell on her to my father. He always had a good word for me. He always made me feel safe, wanted, cared for and needed. And he didn't potch.

amother

↑ Stonewash

Today at 12:54 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I also rarely punish my kids , definitely don’t hit , and work very hard not to ever yell. I apologize if I do yell . and I don’t know if it’s just luck , but my kids are awesome. They are never even chutzpahdik and they don’t even fight with each other all that much. Bh!!

You are very blessed. And hashem should bless you even more going forward.

Children who are born into emotionally healthy marriages and homes. With healthy loving growing evolving attentive parents, tend to be better behaved. Jmho, from what I see around me. (I'm a big observer. LOL

)
They also don't need to fight to get attention and fulfill their lack of warmth and love.
But it's normal for children to bicker and fight. Especially if they have very different personalities, are the same gender and need to share a room (raise your hand if that's the case in your home? ✋️)
It's hard for children to work our their differences at such a young age, even with parental guidance/appropriate interference.
but I tell my kids, that hashem made their situation this way. And they will learn to get along and communicate respectfully sooner rather than later. And iyh it'll be good practicing skills for beautiful loving with their spouses with amazing communication once they get married. 😀

↑ sequoia ↓

Today at 1:01 am

The amount of denial on this thread is mind boggling. I had no idea people still sincerely said, “I was beaten and I turned out fine.” That’s something you might say ironically, when you’re using humor to diffuse the situation as you talk about your trauma. But sincerely? Why not then “I was sxually abused and turned out okay”? How about “I was burned with cigarettes and turned out okay”? “I was fed every other day and I’m fine.”

Obviously you love your parents — that’s instinctual. They’re your only parents; you don’t get any others. But as painful as it is, you have to acknowledge the abuse and trauma at some point. Because it is impossible not to be affected — that’s not how human brains and bodies and psyches work. We talk about cortisol a good deal nowadays — do you really think being beaten as a child didn’t release stress hormones into your system?

There are two options for a traumatic childhood — acknowledgement or denial.

And by the way, hitting a child on the face has always been considered low class. At all times. Laura Ingalls Wilder recounts how her dad spanked her with a strap once, but no way would the Ingallses hit their daughters on the face. And this was like peak 19th century pioneer hard times. So for everyone who is defending not just corporal punishment in general but specifically smacking their children across the face — that’s not “chinuch” or discipline. It’s humiliating and degrading and abusive. Might be a cultural thing (?). Doesn’t make it okay.

queen esther

Today at 1:35 am

Op, I don't know if you'll make it this far. If you do, I hope you realize a lot of these posts are not about your situation at all and don't let them bother you. I feel that what you did was simply an instinct reaction to being triggered/attacked in a specific set of circumstances and doesn't mean you support hitting of course and I also don't think it's the most terrible thing, sometimes it just happens without thinking!......ppl are human. I think apologizing to your daughter that you don't agree with your choice of reaction in the moment and acknowledging that even grownups can do the wrong things and then own up to them is valuable in itself, but I also would want to be sure you are not apologizing for in general reacting to her inappropriate behavior-as she should know it's not okay.

If it's already over and done, but you feel it's still worth it to bring up, I'd say something like, " remember that day you came home and needed my help and I was busy? And then we were both really upset? I'm sorry that I ended up hitting you, that was a mistake and should not happen. I was upset that you were doing xyz, those are things you cannot do to me or other people. If it happens again that you need my help and you have to wait and that's hard, I need you to do ABC and not XYZ. " And then either keep talking if they want about that or say something neutral about another topic and move on.

amother

Cyclamen

Today at 1:45 am

OP, you're human. You were triggered and lost control and feel bad about it. You don't hit on a regular basis. Cut yourself some slack.

I have a 6-year-old DD and I hit her once in her life in a similar situation to yours. I was rushing to get her into the bath so I could leave the house and she was tantrumming on the bathroom floor and in a moment of stress, I smacked her. She was about 3 at the time. Recently the topic of hitting came up and out of curiosity I asked her if I ever hit her. She said NO! I said Okay, good. Then I decided to confess and told her that I think I did hit her just one time. She said, "On the floor? In the bathroom?" I was shocked that she still remembered it 3 years later (though afterwards she insisted it was her brother and not her). It is important to apologize, but don't knock yourself too hard for being a human being.

amother

↑ Aster

Today at 2:12 am

sequoia wrote:

I find your response to be such a chutzpah. I'm sorry that everyone else in the world doesn't completely agree with you but that doesn't automatically mean that you're right and they're wrong and if they feel otherwise they're in denial.

I think the whole point for some of us is disagreement that a smack is inherently "being beaten". My heart really goes out to amother Stonewash- her childhood sounded really rough, and yes, traumatic for her, but I can differentiate and say "there was beating going on in her life but not in mine". It's like me saying that "I was catcalled and I'm fine" and you responding "you were s-xually abused, you must have been traumatized for life from that, and if you say you aren't, you're simply in denial"- no, I was merely catcalled and I was not wrecked for life because I was catcalled. That's my entire point. Yes, I got smacked sometimes as a kid, no, I'm not in denial, I just don't agree that that means I am denying some terrible trauma response. I'm totally fine. I'm sorry that that doesn't fit into your worldview, but it's so arrogant to therefore insist that I don't know myself and you somehow know me and my life better than I can possibly know myself, as a mature and thought-out adult.

I am in no way condoning hitting, whether to the face or anywhere else. My entire point is that it's wrong to jump to "hitting your kid at all will ruin them for life, scar them, traumatize them, automatically make them abusive spouses/parents unless they go for years of intense therapy"... Like I'm sorry that my lived experience doesn't fall neatly into your worldview but the answer is to maybe widen your worldview a little, not insist that yours is right and therefore I'm wrong about my own life and opinions. Excuse you, what a chutzpah.

amother

Ghostwhite

Today at 4:37 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I do and feel the same. BH!! Our efforts of self control really do pay off!

I remember being hit once as a kid. I don't remember how old I was. I dont even know what I did wrong to warrant such a strong reaction from my father.

I think that if he would have apologized or at least explain why he did, it would have been very healing, especially since I was a middle child and already felt like a squashed sandwhich in general.

amother

↑ Aubergine ↓

Today at 6:56 am

sequoia wrote:

This post should be required reading for all parents. Thank you Seqouia.

Trademark ↓

Today at 7:27 am

amother Aubergine wrote:

Just wanted to add that I have a lot of kids bh and all ages and stages and they also rarely fight, and are very compassionate and kind kids. They have a lot less behavioral issues then most kids and I try not to yell, never hit and try not to control via punishments and rewards. They are very normal kids with a lot of personality, and I have teens as well who are a pleasure.

You don’t need to be harsh on kids to raise good kids.

I don't understand these kinds of post s.

Thank hashem every day for the wonderful gift easy children.

I don't understand this self-righteousness when a lot of it is a gift of hashem, and not necessarily parenting.

Obviously parenting plays a huge role, but it depends a lot on the nature of the children. And thank hashem you don't understand the struggle.

To say that it can be done, yes it can with your kids. Don't judge others until you are in their shoes.

ETA to clarify I don't believe in yelling or hitting as a way of chinuch. But this whole look at me I never lost my temper or raised my voice and look at the wonderful kids I raised comes across as extremely self righteous and judgmental. Hashem give you a gift and you should be grateful not boast about your wonderful kids.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Today at 7:39 am

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

I also remember a specific example of being hit so hard it left a black and blue mark and I dont remember why . Once as an adult my father did apologize when I brought it up and it was very healing . I have a much better relationship with my father in general because he is willing to listen and apologize. In general he was always my safe parent , even as a kid . Even though my mother gave a lot more hugs and kisses (she was around us more )

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Today at 7:42 am

Trademark wrote:

Nope. It’s in response to people telling us that our kids are obviously obnoxious, spoiled rotten snowflakes, that have terrible middos that will abuse their spouses because we don’t believe in hitting and punishing them all day .
Notice, I did say that maybe it’s just luck and I am very grateful for my blessings .