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How to deal with ds4 hitting parents and siblings
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keym  




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 8:10 am
amother Nemesia wrote:
A potch is not violence please stop with the exaggeration. A gentle tap that’s rarely given is shocking that’s why it works. It sends a message you crossed a line to a small child. No one is talking about wildly hitting a kid.


I was raised like that so when my first was born, I thought I'd continue. 1 potch firm, just to shock them.
Guess what? Didn't work.
Kid got angry and hit back harder and more.
So I potched them again, harder and it still didn't work.
Again.

And then I stopped. And realized that my kids, and probably many kids don't get shocked and stop with 1 potch. It makes them mad and they push and push further. Pushing the parent to accelerate.

So I learned new tools. The potch I guess is still technically in my toolbox. But only for a situation where I know 100% it will work without a hard pitch and without having to repeat and without anger. The likelihood is I'll never use it.

But then I started looking around. And I realized that all the people that potch or threaten to- yeah it's not as rare as you might think. It's a way more frequently used tool. It's not gentle, it hurts. It's not shocking to the child, it's infuriating. The "gentle" potches kids consider as a joke "didn't hurt". And the shocking potches hurt, leave marks, and are scary because the child perceives the parent as violent.

Going under my screen name. Ducking from all the tomatoes.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 8:36 am
Per my parenting mentor when my kids were little, a child using violence needs to be restrained. Sort of like the concept that we don't leave a tiger on the loose - we put a tiger into a cage. A child hitting should be put in time-out until they can control themselves and not hit. This has to be done calmly and they need to be told why it is being done and that they can come out when they are ready not to hit.

I had a child who struggled with regulation - emotional and physical - when she was young. In addition to the above, we also used modeling and it helped tremendously (because it gave my child the desired lesson while de-personalizing the consequences, which she also didn't handle well). I had a designated "mentchy" from her dollhouse collection that we used to put into time-out whenever my child hit or screamed - we would say Oh no, Raizy just did it again, now Raizy has to go to time-out (Raizy was the mentchy) and my child would herself put Raizy under the table in a designated time-out spot. (We also had a "good" mentchy that got rewarded with praise alongside DD when we noticed good behavior, or when DD refrained from outbursts.) Over time my child made huge progress in this area, and the mentchies were phased out.....
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amother
Fern  


 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 3:21 pm
To answer your question op,
My dd6 has been doing this on and off for 2 years.
What has helped the most is my husband and I regulating ourselves and showing up to our kids grounded and genuinely co passionate.
The potch or scratch or crazy tantrum is a symptom. Something is going on for them.
When you could stay regulated and help your dc to regulate they don't need to hit anymore.
I've had this will all my kids. The more dysregulated I was the more they freak out.
When I am able to be firm and grounded. Say no if needed and have a lot of compassion for their unique experience. The hitting passes.
If your child is deeply feeling or has sensory challenges, it is super important to show up for them. Help them learn how to be in a world that is overwhelming for them.
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amother
  Aquamarine  


 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 3:24 pm
keym wrote:
I was raised like that so when my first was born, I thought I'd continue. 1 potch firm, just to shock them.
Guess what? Didn't work.
Kid got angry and hit back harder and more.
So I potched them again, harder and it still didn't work.
Again.

And then I stopped. And realized that my kids, and probably many kids don't get shocked and stop with 1 potch. It makes them mad and they push and push further. Pushing the parent to accelerate.

So I learned new tools. The potch I guess is still technically in my toolbox. But only for a situation where I know 100% it will work without a hard pitch and without having to repeat and without anger. The likelihood is I'll never use it.

But then I started looking around. And I realized that all the people that potch or threaten to- yeah it's not as rare as you might think. It's a way more frequently used tool. It's not gentle, it hurts. It's not shocking to the child, it's infuriating. The "gentle" potches kids consider as a joke "didn't hurt". And the shocking potches hurt, leave marks, and are scary because the child perceives the parent as violent.

Going under my screen name. Ducking from all the tomatoes.


Why would you get tomatoes for this? It was so honest and real. I don't have to agree with you, but it's very kind of you to share this with everyone.
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  keym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 3:30 pm
amother Aquamarine wrote:
Why would you get tomatoes for this? It was so honest and real. I don't have to agree with you, but it's very kind of you to share this with everyone.



I have gotten criticized before.

1) from those who feel I never should have potched in the first place
2) from those who are upset that I now consider potching ineffective
3) from those who say that something must be wrong with my kids or more potching if it didn't work.
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amother
  Aquamarine


 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 3:32 pm
keym wrote:
I have gotten criticized before.

1) from those who feel I never should have potched in the first place
2) from those who are upset that I now consider potching ineffective
3) from those who say that something must be wrong with my kids or more potching if it didn't work.


Ok. Well I think that says more about the poster than you. I definitely think that potching can be effective, but Hashem gave you your children and he gave another person theirs and each person is going to deal with their child in the way that they believe is best for their situation. I think what you shared was so beautiful.
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amother
  OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 3:36 pm
amother Fern wrote:
To answer your question op,
My dd6 has been doing this on and off for 2 years.
What has helped the most is my husband and I regulating ourselves and showing up to our kids grounded and genuinely co passionate.
The potch or scratch or crazy tantrum is a symptom. Something is going on for them.
When you could stay regulated and help your dc to regulate they don't need to hit anymore.
I've had this will all my kids. The more dysregulated I was the more they freak out.
When I am able to be firm and grounded. Say no if needed and have a lot of compassion for their unique experience. The hitting passes.
If your child is deeply feeling or has sensory challenges, it is super important to show up for them. Help them learn how to be in a world that is overwhelming for them.


How do you do that? He is very sensory.
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amother
  Fern  


 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 3:40 pm
I am sad that there are so many recommendations to hit your child back.
I get it if a parent hits when they feel lost and overwhelmed and can't think of anything better to do. It scares me when parents promote it as a useful tool.
Children are resilient and they will survive being hit. Heck, they'll survive way worst situations. But they will also create coping skills to survive their reality. Many times the coping skill is to stop doing the action and the parent congratulates themselves on a job well done. While inside the child is in fight/flight/freeze or fawn with unhealthy coping skills.
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amother
  Fern


 

Post Tue, Dec 31 2024, 4:00 pm
amother OP wrote:
How do you do that? He is very sensory.


For your kid, OT is very helpful. You could also ask the ot what to do daily with your kid. Reflex integration is also very helpful.

In short what has helped me stay regulated and in the window of tolerance is understanding survival mode vs. rest and digest mode.
Understanding the attachment theory and what my kid needs from me (safe, seen, secure and soothed)
Knowing that emotions are meant to pass through.
Being ok with big, expressive feelings.
Being able to take responsibility for my part and be ok with my kids reaction.
Trusting myself and trusting my kids.

Ive been doing IFS and somatic therapy for a few years. I experienced being able hold my emotions and stay grounded. Then I was able to hold my kids emotions as well.
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