Siblings rivalry overload - help me be dlkz

amother

↑ Ivory ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 4:01 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

I figured it’s such dynamics. It sounds like she doesn’t let anyone have anything. Ignore the irrelevant posts you don’t know who is behind the keyboard. You can change the dynamics she’s young enough. Might be time to have a talk with her and then call a family meeting in which you address all the issues. Have a plan of who gets to go on outings whether it’s a rotation or each kid gets a day of the week etc.. I think the freedom of her calling it and then insisting it’s hers is hurting the other kids. And you can apply this concept to other areas that she steps on her siblings. She sounds like the type of kid that needs hard boundaries so it’s clear what is hers and what she doesn’t get to have a say in.

I urge you all to be careful with your comments and projection. The OP already has a grudge against her dd and you’re adding fuel to the flames.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 4:14 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

I urge you all to be careful with your comments and projection. The OP already has a grudge against her dd and you’re adding fuel to the flames.

Please grow up . You sound like an 11 year old . Op does not have a grudge against her daughter. She is heartbroken watching one of her children bully another one of her children . As she should be , becuase it’s a heartbreaking thing to watch .

amother

↑ Oldlace ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 4:17 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

I urge you all to be careful with your comments and projection. The OP already has a grudge against her dd and you’re adding fuel to the flames.

You sound really young and naive. She doesn’t have a grudge against her kid, calm down. Also she has a responsibility to ALL her kids not just this one daughter who thinks she’s an only child.

amother

↑ Aster

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 4:28 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Don't forget, we also have to diagnose the OP with all kinds of disorders because she dared to get angry that her son is being mistreated by her daughter.

amother

↑ Ivory ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 4:42 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

You sound really young and naive. She doesn’t have a grudge against her kid, calm down. Also she has a responsibility to ALL her kids not just this one daughter who thinks she’s an only child.

It sounds like this dd knows well she’s not the only child, but that she has a lot of responsibilities towards her younger siblings.

↑ mommy3b2c

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 4:46 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

It sounds like this dd knows well she’s not the only child, but that she has a lot of responsibilities towards her younger siblings.

Please let us know how you know she has lots of responsibilities towards her younger siblings . You don’t get to make up your own story.

amother

↑ Oldlace

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 4:51 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

It sounds like this dd knows well she’s not the only child, but that she has a lot of responsibilities towards her younger siblings.

Sounds like a lot of projection on your side. There is no info about that at all. The only info is that she says not nice things to her brother and demands that she is the only one to go on any errand. How did you come up with that is beyond me. If a thread triggers you this much probably best to just stay off of it.

amother

Ballota ↓

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 5:47 am

amother Ivory wrote:

I urge you all to be careful with your comments and projection. The OP already has a grudge against her dd and you’re adding fuel to the flames.

Speaking of projection....

amother

↑ Ballota

Thu, Dec 26 2024, 5:55 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

1. Siblings rival as a test to see whose side you will be on. Its not a great idea for you to be trying to compensating your dd because of pressures in life that are beyond your control or hers. You cant make life fair. But you can compensate the personal attention as often as possible.
2. If it were me, I would say no one goes shopping, if you both cant go together. We are are family and there is always room for one more. In hebrew they say, when there is room in the heart, there is room on the ground.
If dd wants individual attention, set up some time that same day for that as well. But if ds wants to join shopping or going to airport, what kind of family are we to say, no?
In fact Its a great idea for dd to show ds the ropes per se of picking up a relative from the airport.
3. If there is a problem between ds and dd, let them work it out. Alone. They may kill each other but good things will come out of the ashes.
They are testing boundaries. I know you are tired etc, but you still have a job as their mother to set boundaries.

Great advice. I'd amend point number 2 by saying "I'm not excluding anyone. If someone is so bothered by not going alone that they don't want to come at all, they can stay home and we'll miss them for sure."

My sister did this to me for a while. I was newly engaged, but she was going through a crisis and on the brink of an eating disorder. No one was allowed to express any happy thoughts or discussions about my simcha, because it set her off. I understood, but even 20 years later it hurts. During this time period, if we were all going to the mall together, she'd make a point of announcing that she's not coming when she saw I was coming and things like that. It was out of nowhere because we'd always had a good relationship. (I was 19, she was 15) Because she was in crisis, no one stood up for me, no one knew how to deal with it. I basically just kept standing down and letting her do whatever. It got crazier before it got better...if I would want a cup of a certain drink at the shabbos table, she'd permanently stop drinking that drink or eating that food.

All this to say, even thought I was older and there were clear mental health issues...it still hurt. And I still remember specific times when the other siblings just looked away after waiting for me to drop out of the plans and just went with her and left me home. It hurts. No doubt ds feels the pain of blatant rejection

Good for OP for caring about both her children: the older ones middos and the younger ones feelings.

amother

Camellia

Fri, Dec 27 2024, 10:25 am

OP,
I get it.
Also dealing with too much sibling rivalry.
It’s very painful to see your kids hurting each other.
When you love each one so much.

If you want this thread locked you can ask a mod.

amother

↑ Ivory

Fri, Dec 27 2024, 10:29 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Please let us know how you know she has lots of responsibilities towards her younger siblings . You don’t get to make up your own story.

She literally wrote “Yes it’s also true because I know she is the older dd and so much falls on her. And she legitimately has certain pressures in life.”

Whatever, there seems to be plenty of projection all around here.