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-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
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 Tue, Dec 24 2024, 10:21 am
I have a teen who is wonderful but she hates her sibling under her. They are 2 yrs apart.
So it is usually not so obvious because they lead separate lives but now during holidays we have a situation every day.
Yesterday dd15 decided to go shopping with dh. So that was the plan all day long, and when the time came, ds13 wanted to join. I said okay but dd15 got all sulky and said she won’t go and she had been waiting for it all day long but she won’t go if he goes. In the end I gave in because I thought she had wanted quality time with dh, and took ds on a separate shopping trip even though I wasn’t going to and I was a bit achy because I am almost due with a baby. So I gave him a separate quality time to compensate.
Anyway today we are supposed to pick up a relative from the airport. Again, dd decided a long time ago that she would go along. In the end, ds also wanted to join. She started the same shpiel, saying right in front of him that she won’t go if he goes and she doesn’t want him there. The difference is, she knows her way around and others who went, don’t. So it wouldn’t work without her. I said the relative is just as close to ds as he is to dd and ds is just as entitled to go to the airport as dd is.
Anyway I was sick and tired of always compensating for her toxicity by overextending myself physically.
I am just so appalled that she sees no problem stating in front of him how mich she doesn’t want him there. I hate the total disregard of his feelings. I said that she should stop hurting his feeling. She said that we are hurting her feelings by letting him join for things. But the things aren’t actually anything special for her or private.
I am really angry and sick. I am the type to actually distance myself from people who show the middos that my daughter is showing. I hate such people. I want to say so many words to her like, that she is not better or worse than ds, that I won’t let her bully my child in my own house etc. That I despise this behavior.
Is it too hurtful? I cannot think straight.
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AlwaysGrateful
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 11:22 am
Have you discussed this with her privately, not at the time that it's happening?
I definitely wouldn't respond to her in the moment, especially when ds (or anyone else) is there. Otherwise you're not practicing what you're preaching, since you're essentially embarassing her in front of other people.
I would also try very hard to make the discussion non-judgemental. Hear her out. And then discuss how it's normal for siblings to have challenging feelings toward each other (or toward other people in general), and then explain that it's still important to show good middos towards the other person. Make it less for her brother's sake, and more for HER sake, because of the negative effect it has on people when they embarass others or make them feel bad, and you know she normally wouldn't want to act like that towards anyone. Acknowledge that it's hard, but tell her that she can always pull you aside and ask to speak with you privately if she has anything to say that might feel hurtful to someone else.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 11:39 am
| AlwaysGrateful wrote: | Have you discussed this with her privately, not at the time that it's happening?
I definitely wouldn't respond to her in the moment, especially when ds (or anyone else) is there. Otherwise you're not practicing what you're preaching, since you're essentially embarassing her in front of other people.
I would also try very hard to make the discussion non-judgemental. Hear her out. And then discuss how it's normal for siblings to have challenging feelings toward each other (or toward other people in general), and then explain that it's still important to show good middos towards the other person. Make it less for her brother's sake, and more for HER sake, because of the negative effect it has on people when they embarass others or make them feel bad, and you know she normally wouldn't want to act like that towards anyone. Acknowledge that it's hard, but tell her that she can always pull you aside and ask to speak with you privately if she has anything to say that might feel hurtful to someone else. |
It has only become so obvious and so absurd now.
I haven’t discussed it like that.
I kept my mouth shut yesterday and just told ds that we will go shopping too.
But today I had to intervene, they were leaving. I just said that he also has the right to go and that she is hurting his feelings.
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amother
Aqua
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 12:34 pm
It seems very regular teen behaviour, she is seeing how much you will bend for her from the other kids, but you do have to discuss it with her.
tell her something along the lines of if you want to say something against a sibling she feels she needs to share with you, you are happy to hear but in private and we will see what we can do.
for example the airport situ, ds says he wants to come you say yes, instead of her saying right then and there I dont want she should say 'mom can I speak with you in private' and in the next room she can say I really wanted to go alone because xyz and you can judge if its reasonable or not and decide/discuss together.
Once its not as simple as throwing a teenage tantrum it will dwindle to only when she has a real reason
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amother
DarkKhaki
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 12:40 pm
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Coming from the sibling that was consistently nagged, I abhored having my younger sister tag along everywhere. Give her space and she won't be so nasty.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 12:51 pm
| amother DarkKhaki wrote: | | Coming from the sibling that was consistently nagged, I abhored having my younger sister tag along everywhere. Give her space and she won't be so nasty. |
They are two teens of the opposite gender. They do NOTHING together. Dd is an only girl in the batch of boys, she gets tons of special treatment etc.
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amother
Hyssop
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:00 pm
Can I ask. Why is your son asking to join at the last minute every time your daughter is supposed to spend quality time with one of her parents.
Is he mabe the one that's being mean?
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amother
DarkOrange
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:04 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I have a teen who is wonderful but she hates her sibling under her. They are 2 yrs apart.
So it is usually not so obvious because they lead separate lives but now during holidays we have a situation every day.
Yesterday dd15 decided to go shopping with dh. So that was the plan all day long, and when the time came, ds13 wanted to join. I said okay but dd15 got all sulky and said she won’t go and she had been waiting for it all day long but she won’t go if he goes. In the end I gave in because I thought she had wanted quality time with dh, and took ds on a separate shopping trip even though I wasn’t going to and I was a bit achy because I am almost due with a baby. So I gave him a separate quality time to compensate.
Anyway today we are supposed to pick up a relative from the airport. Again, dd decided a long time ago that she would go along. In the end, ds also wanted to join. She started the same shpiel, saying right in front of him that she won’t go if he goes and she doesn’t want him there. The difference is, she knows her way around and others who went, don’t. So it wouldn’t work without her. I said the relative is just as close to ds as he is to dd and ds is just as entitled to go to the airport as dd is.
Anyway I was sick and tired of always compensating for her toxicity by overextending myself physically.
I am just so appalled that she sees no problem stating in front of him how mich she doesn’t want him there. I hate the total disregard of his feelings. I said that she should stop hurting his feeling. She said that we are hurting her feelings by letting him join for things. But the things aren’t actually anything special for her or private.
I am really angry and sick. I am the type to actually distance myself from people who show the middos that my daughter is showing. I hate such people. I want to say so many words to her like, that she is not better or worse than ds, that I won’t let her bully my child in my own house etc. That I despise this behavior.
Is it too hurtful? I cannot think straight. |
I remember my siblings doing the same. Did she say outright she hates him? Or is it just if he goes I’m not going? It’s ok to give into her once in a while (like the occasion where she went out with your husband) however it’s not ok for this to happen constantly and if she doesn’t want to join too bad on her he is joining. In the case of the airport tell her you really need her to come as you need her help and make her feel wanted.
Do you have other kids? Or is it these 2 plus the baby coming soon? (Jealousy over a new baby is still possible at this age)
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:10 pm
| amother Hyssop wrote: | Can I ask. Why is your son asking to join at the last minute every time your daughter is supposed to spend quality time with one of her parents.
Is he mabe the one that's being mean? |
It’s just an errand. The grownups never meant to make it into quality time. She decided to join because she wanted it to be quality time. This idea came out of nowhere. Dh didn’t mind other kids joining, but she in her mind decided it was her quality time, that noone had actually promised her. Other kids don’t get tons of quality time…
The trip to the airport wasn’t with a parent. That was absolutely just something that had to be done regardless by whom.
Ds is out learning so he often misses when other people make plans while dd is always around and actively trying to determine how everything gets done.
And sometimes the day works out in such a way that I see it as beneficial that he joins for an errand, but it is only obvious later in the day. And in these cases I also want to be able to decide spontaneously that there is a change of plans
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:13 pm
| amother DarkOrange wrote: | I remember my siblings doing the same. Did she say outright she hates him? Or is it just if he goes I’m not going? It’s ok to give into her once in a while (like the occasion where she went out with your husband) however it’s not ok for this to happen constantly and if she doesn’t want to join too bad on her he is joining. In the case of the airport tell her you really need her to come as you need her help and make her feel wanted.
Do you have other kids? Or is it these 2 plus the baby coming soon? (Jealousy over a new baby is still possible at this age) |
Yes there are more kids.
However I know there is animosity because he is right after her, she didn’t like him as a toddler too:)
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amother
Petunia
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:26 pm
Just tell her outright that her behavior is unacceptable.
It's sounds like as an only daughter she is spoiled and is used to getting her way.
The world doesn't revolve around her.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:33 pm
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Op im picking up loud and clear that you dont get your daughter and think terrible things about her. Im sure she picks up the same. A little understanding and validation of her feelings can go a long way. (Not to say give in but to understand where she is coming from). She’s acting like a typical 15 year old. I suggest some parenting classes.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:53 pm
| amother Mulberry wrote: | | Op im picking up loud and clear that you dont get your daughter and think terrible things about her. Im sure she picks up the same. A little understanding and validation of her feelings can go a long way. (Not to say give in but to understand where she is coming from). She’s acting like a typical 15 year old. I suggest some parenting classes. |
So what do people do with typical 15 year olds in these situations?
Happy to hear is not awful but just typical
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:03 pm
| amother OP wrote: | So what do people do with typical 15 year olds in these situations?
Happy to hear is not awful but just typical |
Leah I understand that its annoying to have your brother tag along when you really wanted to go yourself. This time hes gonna go along. Next week when I go grocery shopping if you want to come just you we can do that etc
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:05 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Yes there are more kids.
However I know there is animosity because he is right after her, she didn’t like him as a toddler too:) |
She didnt like him as a toddler because he took away mommy's full attention from her. Hes still annoying as many 15 year olds find their brothers. And im sure he knows how to annoy her. You need to validate her feelings. It is hard it is annoying we are still a family and we need to put up with it anyway
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:15 pm
| amother Mulberry wrote: | | She didnt like him as a toddler because he took away mommy's full attention from her. Hes still annoying as many 15 year olds find their brothers. And im sure he knows how to annoy her. You need to validate her feelings. It is hard it is annoying we are still a family and we need to put up with it anyway |
He doesn’t involve with her at all.
Hardly ever.
Only by virtue of existing and maybe being in the same space as her every now and then
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:16 pm
From your OP, it sounds like you are afraid to be strict with her. And because you are bottling it up, you're feeling very angry.
I recommend the book Siblings without Rivalry.
Hatzlocha.
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thepickled
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:25 pm
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Your daughter wants quality time with her parents. Address that and fill that need. How she behaves with her brother is a separate issue and you can absolutely create and enforce guidelines in how she interacts with him without minimizing her desire for more attunement and time with her parents. It is normal for children to compete for their parents’ attention and that’s what she is doing.
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amother
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Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:29 pm
| thepickled wrote: | | Your daughter wants quality time with her parents. Address that and fill that need. How she behaves with her brother is a separate issue and you can absolutely create and enforce guidelines in how she interacts with him without minimizing her desire for more attunement and time with her parents. It is normal for children to compete for their parents’ attention and that’s what she is doing. |
We are trying so hard and there are kids who get even less! They are overlooked and they are not so aggressive in assertibg themselves.
I end up wanting to spend more time with them than with her, because they are just so much more gracious about it.
And chanuka time everyone is home and it’s so hard to give exclusive attention to anyone
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