Siblings rivalry overload - help me be dlkz

amother

↑ Oldlace ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:50 am

amother Ivory wrote:

You wrote you despise the behavior and hate and distance yourself from people who act like that.

The middos of her kid and it’s fine to not like a behavior. Not liking a behavior doesn’t mean you hate your kid. How old are your kids? You sound really young.

amother

Aster ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:50 am

amother Oldlace wrote:

Some of you sound like you are teens yourself. She’s not the center of the world and she doesn’t get to even have these feelings. Op does not say she hates her she said she finds issues with these middos. No one needs to validate her insulting her brother and treating him like garbage.

I agree. These threads get ridiculous.

I feel like when someone posts there needs to be a disclaimer somewhere saying "I am responding as a 21 year old mom of a 9 month old baby but think I have even the remotest clue as to how to parent a bratty teen" or "I got married two weeks ago and think I know how to solve middle aged woman's marriage issues"

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:59 am

amother Ivory wrote:

You wrote you despise the behavior and hate and distance yourself from people who act like that.

Judging by your reading comprehension you shouldn’t be
responding to this post.

I also wrote that’s what I felt and not what I said. That was precisely the reason why I posted, to ask what I should say so I don’t end up saying the wrong thing.

Anyway I got my answers here and they help me be dlkz.

mizle10 ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 9:16 am

That’s very normal teen behaviour in my house. My first 2 are girls 14 months apart, if one of them thinks they’re going out with me exclusively they will definitely make a fuss if the other one “tags along”

amother

↑ Ivory ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 11:04 am

amother OP wrote:

Or maybe I hit a little too close to home. There’s not liking a behavior which is normal. But you used much stronger language. I’m glad you are dlkz now but it seems that you can use a reset in your relationship with dd overall.

↑ mizle10

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 11:34 am

[quote="
I am really angry and sick. I am the type to actually distance myself from people who show the middos that my daughter is showing. I hate such people. I want to say so many words to her like, that she is not better or worse than ds, that I won’t let her bully my child in my own house etc. That I despise this behavior.
Is it too hurtful? I cannot think straight.[/quote]

I agree with previous posters… this is very harsh.
Why does it get under your skin so much?

amother

↑ Aster ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 12:11 pm

My teen son also treats his younger brother horribly sometimes.

I love my son and hate his behavior.

If someone is mean to my child, my mama bear claws come out and I get furious that someone is hurting my kid. The fact that it's another one of my kids doing the meaness doesn't make me any less upset

amother

↑ Mulberry ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 12:51 pm

Im sorry but op’s way of talking about her daughter isnt normal or justified based on the examples shes given. I will not say she hates her daughter I dont believe that im sure she loves her but her reaction should be explored further. And I am positive that her daughter picks up the same vibes.
And ftr im 45 btdt. (Not 20 with zero experience)

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 12:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes it’s also true because I know she is the older dd and so much falls on her. And she legitimately has certain pressures in life, so I am trying to compensate there too. As I said I won’t go into detail but believe me, I am trying hard.

1. Siblings rival as a test to see whose side you will be on. Its not a great idea for you to be trying to compensating your dd because of pressures in life that are beyond your control or hers. You cant make life fair. But you can compensate the personal attention as often as possible.
2. If it were me, I would say no one goes shopping, if you both cant go together. We are are family and there is always room for one more. In hebrew they say, when there is room in the heart, there is room on the ground.
If dd wants individual attention, set up some time that same day for that as well. But if ds wants to join shopping or going to airport, what kind of family are we to say, no?
In fact Its a great idea for dd to show ds the ropes per se of picking up a relative from the airport.
3. If there is a problem between ds and dd, let them work it out. Alone. They may kill each other but good things will come out of the ashes.
They are testing boundaries. I know you are tired etc, but you still have a job as their mother to set boundaries.

amother

↑ Mulberry

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 12:55 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

Yeah thats the thing with feelings we get to have whatever feeling we have. Our actions on the other hand is where we need to work on and demonstrate control. Validating your child just tells them that you get where they are coming from it takes the ability as a parent to put yourself in their shoes and really find your empathy (not everyones capable) we never validate poor actions such as insulting her brother. And as I said previously we are not all 20 and many of us have loads of experience and learned a thing or two over the years

mommy3b2c ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 1:08 pm

I am shocked at the responses . This doesn’t sound like normal teen behavior . It’s nasty . And people are responding to things op didn’t even say . Just because someone is your sibling it doesn’t mean you get to bully them .

To op, how does your son react when she talks like this ? In general, what type of personality does he have ? How does he treat her in their typical interactions?

These questions need to be answered to better understand the dynamics and just how “normal” her behavior is .

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 1:58 pm

mizle10 wrote:

I agree with previous posters… this is very harsh.
Why does it get under your skin so much?[/quote]

Because the ds is my child too?? Not just dd?

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 2:06 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Frankly I just want this thread to die
I am sick and tired of creating Chanukah magic and pleasing everyone.

I had asked him after the first incident how he felt. He said he „doesn’t care“ and „it’s okay“ which sounded really sad and he looked sad. He just got used to being mistreated by her. He is the type to go with the flow, often overlooked by us unfortunately.
Whatever

amother

↑ Aster ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 2:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Dont take the nastiness to heart here.

I got called a judgy narcissistic abuser on this site because I didn't agree with the cool kids and what is trending at the moment in terms of family dynamics.

It's ok. No one on this site has a real picture of what's going on in my life or yours and we have no idea where they are getting their snap judgements from when they are only getting a snapshot into a long history of messy dynamics.

amother

↑ Oldlace ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 3:37 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

Of course it’s normal and it’s ok to vent here to us. She did not say anything to her daughter. I am positive some of you live in unrealistic bubbles or at least pretend you do when you comment on here. We can not like behaviors and even if it comes through that we don’t like that behavior it’s totally fine. I so indication that she doesn’t like her daughter and I think some of you need to leave your bubble preparation to understand how humans work.

amother

↑ Oldlace ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 3:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

I figured it’s such dynamics. It sounds like she doesn’t let anyone have anything. Ignore the irrelevant posts you don’t know who is behind the keyboard. You can change the dynamics she’s young enough. Might be time to have a talk with her and then call a family meeting in which you address all the issues. Have a plan of who gets to go on outings whether it’s a rotation or each kid gets a day of the week etc.. I think the freedom of her calling it and then insisting it’s hers is hurting the other kids. And you can apply this concept to other areas that she steps on her siblings. She sounds like the type of kid that needs hard boundaries so it’s clear what is hers and what she doesn’t get to have a say in.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 6:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

Based on this new info you can ignore mostly everything everyone responded . Your daughter is not behaving how a normal person should . Even if she’s a teenager . Honestly , you need professional help to change the dynamics in your household. Your son doesn’t deserve this . And if your daughter doesn’t change her bad middos , she’s going to have a miserable marriage and miserable children . “Hurt people , hurt people”. It’s still not an excuse for her behavior and you both need help.

bigsis144

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 6:46 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

You wrote you despise the behavior and hate and distance yourself from people who act like that.

I have absolutely had times in the past where I told my therapist “if my son was my husband, then everyone would be supporting me leaving him and filing a restraining order. But I can’t do that because he’s my SON. He still needs his mother.”

The amount of self-loathing and guilt mothers feel when they have a kid who is flat out mean or violent… I daven that no one every experiences it.

ra_mom

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 6:50 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I agree. This is not ok.
OP, best would be for you to go see someone professionally on a weekly basis who can guide you and support you in making changes in the dynamics in the home.
Hashem should send you strength and success, and may all of your children grown up to be incredible people!