S/o kollel are you taking support from someone who can’t….

amother

Gold

Yesterday at 11:12 pm

Have a friend also a sahm not supporter at all husband learning in kollel in Brooklyn. They live in tiny basement, and he tutors tons. they don’t even get food stamps. I live oot where it’s supposedly easier to get by but there’s no way we’d be able to live on just my husbands kollel check

amother

Puce

Yesterday at 11:23 pm

What is this business with parents expecting their daughters to pop out babies and have as many kids as possible? Do parents really tell their daughters that?

amother

↑ Daffodil

Yesterday at 11:28 pm

chestnut wrote:

How could the former be defined as "can't afford"?

Because they should be putting money away for retirement.
Are we expecting them to work until they are dead? What about medical expenses as they age? Or household expenses if and when they are unable to work.

My Florida comment is also I am older than most of you, and in my lifetime, elderly people were often snowbirds as the freezing cold winter is very hard on them, both physically and mentally.

↑ doodlesmom ↓

Yesterday at 11:29 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

My in laws support their dds and they can't afford it. Somehow they manage it anyway. And since my sils are expected to get married super young with no degree and keep their husbands in learning and pop out babies constantly I think they should be getting that support. How could they do it otherwise?

To be clear, the expectation is coming from my in laws. They want this lifestyle for their daughters (and their son, but that's a conversation for a different day, and no it isn't happening LOL)

I guess at a point their husbands should just start supporting their family….despite their pressure.

↑ doodlesmom ↓

Yesterday at 11:29 pm

amother Currant wrote:

My parents have no money and have never helped us, however I really don't understand what they were thinking. They pressured us to get married very young with little or no savings on an entry level salary, marry a learning boy and have as many kids as possible right away. Some of my siblings are really struggling and I can't help resenting the system.

Then I guess it’s time for their husbands to go to work.

↑ doodlesmom ↓

Yesterday at 11:31 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

But define not afford? What is your cheshbon?

If one’s parents are 75yo and can pay all their current bills, but can’t retire or cut back on the hours they work or go to Florida to get out of the cold during the winter, is that affording?

What about if they are 55 or 60 and can pay their bills but haven’t gotten a new shaital in years and they need to make a takana wedding for their younger kids (and it is not the community norm).

Are we talking about someone with 50 million dollars who is giving their kids 2K per month, or someone who is just getting by as they work multiple jobs to support kids?

The first 2 both go under the category I’m referring to.
And obviously there are those going into debt for this too.

amother

Lilac ↓

Yesterday at 11:33 pm

Why and when did it become the "ideal" for every boy to sit and learn, when just a fee devades avlgo,it was only a gew specific very snart boys who sat and learn?
It was never meant to be this way. And support? Should not be a thing either. If the couple want the kollel life, they should be living it completely, mesiras nefesh and all.

↑ doodlesmom ↓

Today at 12:20 am

So no one on this forum even anonymously is being supported by someone who can’t really afford, or supporting someone without making ends meet.

amother

Quince ↓

Today at 12:27 am

doodlesmom wrote:

So no one on this forum even anonymously is being supported by someone who can’t really afford, or supporting someone without making ends meet.

If that someone was supported by their parents,they would be crazy to admit on such a forum.
Most posters clearly stated what they though about such a system.
Anyone on Imamother long enough wouldn't dare admit to living such a lifestyle!
(Signed a lady who has been working since she got married, who's husband was in full time kollel for 7 yrs and since works in klei kodesh! Hiding

)

amother

↑ Mustard

Today at 12:28 am

doodlesmom wrote:

So no one on this forum even anonymously is being supported by someone who can’t really afford, or supporting someone without making ends meet.

For the first part - life will become very uncomfortable if you acknowledge that. Better to live with false assumptions, so that one can continue to go on. To be fair, such people are in a tough spot because they lack the means to take over the responsibility.

As for the latter, I don't know why they haven't spoken up. Perhaps they're exhausted from working multiple jobs to pay for it, or maybe they mentally overwhelmed with their growing debts.

amother

Burgundy

Today at 12:31 am

doodlesmom wrote:

So no one on this forum even anonymously is being supported by someone who can’t really afford, or supporting someone without making ends meet.

No.
My in laws promised all sorts before we got married. Afterwards turned out they didn't have it and were borrowing so we said no thank you. We started married life with my husband learning in every possible kollel he could including lunchtime, netz, Friday afternoon, Shabbos, motzai Shabbos, retzufim (learning 4 hours without talking about anything not learning related), doing tests, writing up chaburos. I worked in a demanding job and took in people's ironing as well.
Now, 25 yrs down the line, my husband is still learning, I bH have a better job which pays, and our maaser money goes to my in laws.

amother

Sienna

Today at 3:11 am

My parents were never able to afford supporting any of us in kollel. It was something they drilled into us at a very young age. Neither of them were supported when they got married and they didn't believe in the concept.
My sister and I married working guys.
We both had college degrees and worked ourselves as well.
My brother got married while he was still in college and his wife agreed to work so he could be in kollel and college at the same time and her parents helped a tiny bit becayse she really wanted that. When he graduated he left yeshiva and went to work and then she finished her degree.

amother

Latte ↓

Today at 7:01 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

Wow!!

amother

↑ Latte ↓

Today at 7:02 am

What do you consider can't afford?
They could make ends meet but it was tight
I wanted dh to work more but he refused

amother

Diamond

Today at 7:18 am

I got married a few months out of high school and moved to a completely different side of the country. Dh was working and making 12/hr. It took me around 3 months to find a job that paid 13/hr. We weren’t supported and were dirt poor. I remember it being so hot in my apt the butter in the pan was melting before I turned the fire on. We had no money for ac unit. Bh we were working but what were our parents thinking?? Living in expensive city, earning pennies, not having any savings. And I had a baby within the first yr. Bh I was able to eventually become a sahm for years. Now I’m looking to go back to work as we definitely need more cash flow.

amother

↑ Aconite ↓

Today at 7:57 am

doodlesmom wrote:

So no one on this forum even anonymously is being supported by someone who can’t really afford, or supporting someone without making ends meet.

Of course ppl are. They either just don't notice it or won't admit it. There was a lady here who was supporting her dd and said they were stretching it living check to check, very tight financially, couldnt afford any extras, not saving anything etc... and I'm sure there are plenty of ppl like that. But the kids think it's the norm and expect the support. And the parent wants their dds to get married.

amother

↑ Latte

Today at 8:02 am

amother Aconite wrote:

the inlaws

amother

Babypink

Today at 8:09 am

amother Fern wrote:

I’ve always thought my parents were wealthy. My father told us no problem, he’d give x amount per month. Recently, I’ve heard stories from my siblings at home about him worrying about certain things that were costing him a lot. But honestly I know how much he makes, and it’s a ton. These things just weren’t part of his monthly budget, and he thinks taking money out of savings is a cardinal sin, even though he has millions. And he tells us every month how happy he is to be giving to us. So what, am I supposed to approach him and ask him? I have told him a couple times that we’ll be fine on our own, every time I get a raise or something, and he always says it’s fine.

Yes you should approach him and ask. You’re an adult now.

amother

Ballota

Today at 8:18 am

If you can't afford or don't want to really pay it please just be honest with your kids.
I was told I would be partially supported by my parents for 2 years and never got a dime. My in laws ended up being more helpful than my parents.

amother

Poinsettia

Today at 8:22 am

I am extremely grateful that I'm being supported even though we don't need the money.
Parents aren't wealthy but do have the spare money and are aware that we are saving/investing their support money and are happy to give it to us!
I work at a well paying job, DHs kollel pays very well and we live in a lower cost area. We are also careful with our spending as we are very determined to try buy a house at the earliest opportunity.
If they couldn't afford to give us the money I would of course not take it. Especially as we don't actually need it. Essentially, they're helping us with a down payment, just giving it to us now.