S/o kollel are you taking support from someone who can’t….

amother

Forsythia

Yesterday at 7:20 pm

My parents and the other side are giving what they can afford - along with having the couple for shabbosim /yuntif helps after baby’s born etc..which hopefully saves them money here and there.

I think they’re grateful I think the couples kinda expect it from parents if they’re in the kollel world.. but they living simply and they’re grateful

amother

Raspberry ↓

Yesterday at 7:56 pm

My in laws support their dds and they can't afford it. Somehow they manage it anyway. And since my sils are expected to get married super young with no degree and keep their husbands in learning and pop out babies constantly I think they should be getting that support. How could they do it otherwise?

To be clear, the expectation is coming from my in laws. They want this lifestyle for their daughters (and their son, but that's a conversation for a different day, and no it isn't happening LOL)

amother

Grape

Yesterday at 7:59 pm

When DH was in kollel full time we received support, but not in the form of cash, and that was fine with us. We both stayed on our parents phone plans because they said it made no difference. The car that I drove during those years belonged to my parents so they were paying for registration renewal and insurance. And my in laws lived in the neighbourhood so my MIL would constantly hang treats from the grocery store on our door, and I would always go over after Shabbos to get their leftovers.

OP- I don’t know if this is the kind of support you were referring to, but just wanted to put this perspective out there. Some of us receive(d) help from parents who don’t have much money to give but still want to help in some way, and I don’t think a justification is necessarily needed…especially since most in such a situation are pulling their own weight to make kollel work.

amother

Daffodil ↓

Yesterday at 8:01 pm

But define not afford? What is your cheshbon?

If one’s parents are 75yo and can pay all their current bills, but can’t retire or cut back on the hours they work or go to Florida to get out of the cold during the winter, is that affording?

What about if they are 55 or 60 and can pay their bills but haven’t gotten a new shaital in years and they need to make a takana wedding for their younger kids (and it is not the community norm).

Are we talking about someone with 50 million dollars who is giving their kids 2K per month, or someone who is just getting by as they work multiple jobs to support kids?

amother

Fern

Yesterday at 8:11 pm

I’ve always thought my parents were wealthy. My father told us no problem, he’d give x amount per month. Recently, I’ve heard stories from my siblings at home about him worrying about certain things that were costing him a lot. But honestly I know how much he makes, and it’s a ton. These things just weren’t part of his monthly budget, and he thinks taking money out of savings is a cardinal sin, even though he has millions. And he tells us every month how happy he is to be giving to us. So what, am I supposed to approach him and ask him? I have told him a couple times that we’ll be fine on our own, every time I get a raise or something, and he always says it’s fine.

amother

Orchid ↓

Yesterday at 9:27 pm

Rambam hilchos teshuva lists a few groups people for whom there is no possibility of teshuva.

One of those is someone who partakes of a meal as a guest when there isn't enough food for the baal habayis.

Food for thought.

Dh learned in kollel for almost 8 years, a few of which I was a sahm, with no support.

Eta, he's a Rebbe (full day) now, and other than two years early on and one year later for medical reasons, I'm a teacher (part time).

amother

Currant

Yesterday at 9:33 pm

My parents have no money and have never helped us, however I really don't understand what they were thinking. They pressured us to get married very young with little or no savings on a entry level salary, marry a learning boy and have as many kids as possible right away. Some of my siblings are really struggling and I can't help resenting the system.

amother

Aconite

Yesterday at 9:34 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

If he was in kollel and you were a sahm how did you pay your bills

amother

↑ Raspberry

Yesterday at 10:10 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

I'm not buying it. Parents who convince their 20 year old daughters to get married with no degree, no bc, and the new husband is learning and not earning anything, sort of owe it to their kids to help them out. I wouldn't count a 20 year old who was brainwashed into this as a guest.

amother

Mustard ↓

Yesterday at 10:18 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

Problem is that the parents were equally brainwashed into this.

chestnut ↓

Yesterday at 10:29 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

How could the former be defined as "can't afford"?

↑ chestnut

Yesterday at 10:33 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

It's a sad double ended sword reality. On one hand, yes, it's the parents' fault they expect this lifestyle from their kids, without giving them the skills. Otoh, in a society where so many girls get married at 19-20 and everyone is screaming "shidduch crisis", combined with schools, seminaries, yeshivos promoting kollel, your in-laws are just afraid their girls don't suffer.

amother

↑ Orchid

Yesterday at 11:10 pm

amother Aconite wrote:

If he was in kollel and you were a sahm how did you pay your bills

Kollel in Brooklyn.

Rent was $950 a month for a three room basement (bedroom, other bedroom, teeeeeeny kitchen and bathroom), kollel paid $1100.

I did work (as a BY teacher right from when we got married until my first was born (almost two years), had some money from before plus wedding money (less than $12k altogether, we barely got gifts, dipped into this only when absolutely necessary, managed to hold onto thr bulk of it).

I stayed home for the next two years (second child was born during this time), then went back to work, still as a teacher.

At that point, yes we qualified for insurance and food stamps so that helped.

My in laws aren't part of the picture, but my parents did give us monetary gifts here and there...not on a schedule, and they don't buy anything for my kids ever (not clothes, toys, snacks, birthday gifts...not their type to buy or gift ever)...but for the first 9 years or so, they prob gave us $2000 a year total. And that was a surprise to us and very appreciated because we had never "agreed" or "asked" for support.

Eta, he's a Rebbe (full day) now, and other than two years early on and one year later for medical reasons, I'm a teacher (part time).