How to make sure your babies are safe in playgroup

amother

Tulip ↓

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 7:51 pm

This is easy enough to avoid. You need someone totally transparent. Where you can drop in at all times and you do drop in regularly. Then you know who's watching your kids and when. Or you send to a daycare that allows cameras. Yes, they exist. Any of those would prevent the story you talked about.

As far as you can't trust anyone and you can never be sure- that's the reality. You can never be 100% sure. You tried to raise your children with a transparent relationship where they feel safe communicate with you, you teach them about body safety and awareness, and you do the best research you can. After that it's outside of your control. We cant protect our children 100% ever.

amother

Clover

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 7:57 pm

amother Brass wrote:

My husband is one of the "pedophiles". Obnoxious mommies in our community didn't like that my husband came to pick me up from my job assisting at a playgroup a few times and came in and schmoozed with the kinderlach. He never did their diapers and OF COURSE never touched them inappropriately but if they wanted hugs, he obliged. He's a friendly guy who loves babies and toddlers--- I'd be THRILLED to have a man like him babysit my kids if he weren't my husband. He was banned from coming in anymore and the community still talks about it years later. Don't be quick to assume that a "pedophile" is a pedophile and not a normal man who visited or picked up his wife at work and (CHAS V'SHALOM!) got a hug from a toddler. He and I TRULY don't see a problem with it. Obviously my husband will never again go into any playgroup where I'm subbing or assisting (because of community yentas) but just because he's a man...... ugh, don't get me started. Frum men should be able to work at playgroups, run playgroups, whatever. It doesn't mean they're pedophiles. I've also seen husbands of playgroup leaders carrying babies from cribs in other rooms to the playroom and even helping feed.

As far as an actual pedophile (male or female) associated with a playgroup? I've subbed and assisted for 15+ playgroups over many years and I've never seen it. I *HAVE* seen inappropriate ratios and bad practices (letting babies cry it out, propping bottles etc). Just do regular hishtadlus--- talk to parents who send, talk to the Morah, and trust references' viewpoints about the group.

I've worked at plenty of daycares and I've never heard of a staff members husband come over and start playing with the kids. I have heard of over ratio, unclean, and just plain unsafe goings on.
If a daycare or babysitter doesn't let you visit you RUN!

amother

Maroon

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 8:39 pm

I'm a playgroup morah, I wouldn't ask my DH to sub for me because I wouldn't want parents to freak out but I would be much more comfortable leaving him who I know would do a great job than a random sub that I don't know!!! It's so hard to find a reliable sub!
We have a double digit size family and he watched me doing playgroup for the last 25 years!

As far as I know this story happened once in Lakewood 20 yrs ago, probably not something every mother need to lose sleep over! Really rare!

amother

Chicory ↓

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 9:39 pm

amother Brass wrote:

I'm sorry to say, but what your husband did is not okay. He's not a pedophile, but it's not okay nevertheless. I'd be very disturbed if I'd find out that a random man is sitting in my child's daycare & interacting with & touching the kids. That's just wrong, even if he meant no harm. You can't bring random guys into a playgroup, especially if the parents don't know about it.

amother

↑ Brass

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 9:48 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

Would you be disturbed if it were a "random" woman visiting her friend the playgroup Morah and interacting with (and getting hugs from) the kids?

Because that's what a sub or assistant IS and I do that every day. Not random---- vetted. Morah is friends with her or has hired her. In my case, the Morah knew my husband well and since I'm married to him, the playgroup Mommies should have trusted that I didn't marry a lunatic.

amother

↑ Chicory ↓

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 10:10 pm

amother Brass wrote:

It doesn't matter if you're married to him or not. He shouldn't have been allowed to be there & interact with the children if the parents weren't told about it beforehand.
My children's daycare's have always let us know beforehand if there would be a sub, as well as the name of the sub.

amother

Fern

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 11:24 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

Thank you for saying this.

No person, female or male, should be going into a gang and interacting with the children unless they are employed and screened appropriately. BH I sent to a legal daycare and paid $$$ for it so all adults were police screened and qualified, and no random wife/husband/auntie came in to interact with the children. There were cctv everywhere and you could look back and check the different cameras if you needed.

Illegal childcare- I guess you can't control this.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 11:34 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

I honestly don't see a problem with a husband babysitter. It's extremely rare for a guy to enjoy abusing toddlers. I would be concerned about a guy who specifically seeks work as a sub in a playgroup because that's weird, but if he's the morahs husband I would not be concerned. Men can be good at child care too.

Yes. My husband used to babysit, and help out a family as a Chesed whose mother tragically passed away and the father was of course overwhelmed with many kids and no local family members to help.

In Israel chareidi and chassidish play groups for boys from age 3 are run by men.

Jewishmom8 ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 1:09 am

amother Chicory wrote:

I totally agree.
If I found out that happened by a baby sitter that I sent to I would pull out immediately.
that is not normal and lady, don't tell this story to other people again.
It makes you sound seriously socially off.

amother

↑ Chicory ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 6:06 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

Why are so many afraid of men? Women can and are also abusers.
This obsession with men being pedophiles is awful.

I'd be just as uncomfortable if a random female would sit in to my children's daycare & start interacting with the children. It's a big red flag if a daycare teacher allows random people to just come in & start playing with or holding the children. That's not okay regardless if said person is male or female.
Though it's understandable for parents to get more freaked out if a random man is sitting in their children's daycare & interacting with the children.
One of my children's daycare teachers let us know at registration that her husband works from home. We knew beforehand that he's around.

amother

Hosta

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 6:10 am

amother DarkYellow wrote:

How many females are on the wall of shame vs males?
Its not the nature of a male to enjoy taking care of kids so people get suspicious when a guy works at a day care

My husband loves taking care of kids. He’s so much better at it than me, childcare kills me. I would never be a babysitter but if I hit my head and decided to become one, I might turn into an abusive one because shockingly to you, despite having a vag, I just don’t like taking care of kids and do not have patience for them.

My husband on the other hand would be an amazing babysitter and actually wishes he could start a babysitting group but knows people wouldn’t be okay with it. And maybe that makes sense because statistically, men are more abusive than women. But he is not a statistic. He is not a pedophile. He just likes taking care of toddlers and finds it fun.

Who are you to say that it’s not in the nature of a man to like taking care of children? That is so sexist and justifies the unequal childcare burden on women because men just aren’t made for it but women supposedly are.