Refusing to wear glasses

amother

Aubergine ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:32 am

A 14 year old may be starting high school right now,and be mortified to start her experience in glasses. I'm also wondering if the policy on contacts has been well known, and is the reason dd has not reported her less than perfect vision. OP, did DD pick out these glasses? Did she know that if she got cheaper, maybe she could use the rest of the money for contacts?

At this age, doctors often say that contacts are cheaper than glasses. Glasses are more likely to get broken or bent, and eyes change quickly, particularly if she is just starting out. So it's cheaper to get the new contacts than to replace the lenses in the glasses. And contacts can help keep eyes from changing.

Also, if dd continues the refuse, be prepared for the school to suggest contacts. If you tell them it is about money, you may either get pressed or offered a sponsorship for them- how would you feel about that? And if dd is told she can have them if she makes the money, you may be surprised that she finds a way- and is home much less often.

amother

↑ Lawngreen ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:32 am

What some people said is true, after getting used to lenses she will get used to wearing glasses because there will be those days when you just can't wear the lenses but she will be used to seeing well, so she will put the glasses on.

Also true, if she has a moderately high prescription of near sightedness gas permeable are medically advantageous to prevent further changes.

Also, another point people made, you see better in lenses. Its a fact. I normally wear glasses now but when I put on lenses you get full peripheral vision and less of hot sweaty plastic-y covering your face.

From a parenting perspective, what is it that makes you feel the course you are taking is beneficial to your dd? Because I see that you seem to feel its a chinuch issue more than financial.

As an aside, I allowed my child to choose when & how much & how often to use hearing devices throughout schooling from a very young age. And there were times I felt they should have used it when they chose not to. And there was definitely an aspect of embarrassment, you really can't force these things with success. There is a very high price life-wise, psychologically, to forcing these issues.

Most everyone here agrees that while its not crazy to be comfortable wearing glasses, awkward socially conscious teen years is not a time to force & teach any life lessons at the expense of their perceived (their perception,
Not necessarily true or accurate) social life.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:08 pm

I am perfectly okay noting that I have a different mentality than Imamother posters. In real life, many high school girls in my daughter's school wear glasses every day.
I don't generally cave to unreasonable whims of teenagers. Not wearing glasses when you need glasses is unreasonable. Sometimes people are unreasonable about their looks and that's fine, I can make it up to my daughter in a different area.
I wore glasses for 34 years besides the 20 years I wore contacts. I have plenty of experience with both. I know the costs, and I know where I'm not spending money.

amother

↑ Puce ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

What you are not understanding that almost all of your peers here do not think that this is an unreasonable teenage whim.

We all validate her request as being appropriate and understandable for a 14 year old girl.

amother

↑ Dimgray

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’ll be honest. You sound like a rigid and controlling mother. You care more about your bottom line than your child’s wants, feelings, and self-image. This is obviously not about money, but some ego/control issue with yourself. Becoming a flexible, loving, and merciful person may be something you might consider before Rosh hashana. That’s the way we want Hashem to deal with us.
Maybe consider some “insurance covered therapy” for yourself

amother

↑ Watermelon ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

This isn't about you though and for how long you wore glasses. This is about your daughter's self image.
It's sad that your daughter is dealing with such a rigid mom, that she's not allowed to get a basic necessity. It isn't easy to be a teen & have such a rigid mother. You're setting yourself up for some disastrous years with her. You need to loosen up & choose your battles wisely.

amother

Marigold

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:18 pm

I didn't read the whole thread. But here's my take. I myself refuse to wear glasses and I've been wearing lenses every day since I am ten. I wear glasses maybe once every 4 years or so. I wear monthly lenses so it's actually not so expensive.

My daughter wore glasses very nicely from age seven. Last year when she was 10 years old I decided to get her contact lenses so she has a choice what she wants to wear daily. She mostly wears contact lenses but sometimes wears her glasses. She mentioned getting contacts once and I'm really happy I've ran with it and got it. She feels so good! She was the youngest person her eye doctor ever gave lenses to and she had such an easy time getting them in and out bh.

Her lenses are daily lenses and cost probably five to six times the amount of mine. I am very happy she got though as I feel she has a choice what to wear and she feels a lot more grown up.

I do understand the cost can be a lot depending what you get. Nice glasses cost a ton also. Dh glasses cost WAYYYY more than my lenses.

I would never force a 14-year-old to wear glasses.

amother

↑ DarkYellow

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

I feel sorry for your daughter.

amother

↑ Jade ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:35 pm

Oy…
Your poor daughter
You just don’t get it.
This is not something you can make up to her at another time.
I’m sorry to say this but you need therapy or parenting help.
Now it’s about the glasses but mark my word, if you continue to be so stubborn you will be dealing with a lot more in the years to come.
Your behavior causes children to either become rebellious or to become withdrawn and depressed.

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

You realize that "Imamother posters" are a huge-cross section of women, from all ages and backgrounds?
And therefore, we rarely have a thread where almost everyone agrees that the OP is wrong, unreasonable and out of touch. This is one such a thread.
I'm sorry, OP. You are wrong.
From the bottom of my heart, I hope you wake up before its too late.
(Speaking as a cash-strapped mom, who understands not giving into every whim.)

amother

↑ Milk ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:45 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

What does this mean?? Half my 14 year old’s class wears glasses to school. I live in the same place as you, really have no idea what you are saying.

I got glasses when I was six and I never wore them. I did not need glasses again till I was 14. I got glasses and braces at 14 going into 10th grade. I can’t even tell you how many people have glasses. And I graduated less than 10 years ago.

amother

↑ Jade ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:46 pm

It doesn’t matter if every single girl in her class wears glasses. SHE doesn’t want to wear glasses.
It doesn’t matter if this makes sense to you. It’s important to HER.
SHE is what matters.
She’s not asking for a plane ticket to another country.
She’s not telling you that she wants to have a sleepover with a boyfriend.
She’s not telling you that she is quitting school.
She not telling you that she wants money for cigarettes or weed.
But that will come soon.
All she wants is a caring mother and a pair of contact lenses.
Pick your battles wisely because you have no idea what else is in store if you refuse to buy a pair of contact lenses now.
Oh, and if you do buy them, make sure you buy them with love and not anger.

amother

↑ Milk ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:49 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I just asked my 16 year old DD about glasses vs. contacts.
She says contacts is the basic, but girls have stylish glasses as a trend, if they are the type to be into that. But for most the glasses are a backup, or an added accessory. It's hard to wear glasses and play sports, you need something for swimming (DD is a lifeguard; she needs to be able to see underwater - she wears her contacts plus has goggles in case she would need to jump in), etc....so just glasses is impractical.

You can get prescription goggles. The glasses I have is very stylish and you can switch out the top frames. Check out the website for all the glasses. They have the same toppers for all the glasses and they have thousands to choose from.

amother

↑ Begonia ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:54 pm

If this was really a matter of money, I'm sure many imamothers would be happy to chip in to help defray the cost.
But this is a matter of an inflated ego, shortsightedness and lack of empathy.
OP, if you have been on this site for any length of time, you would realize how unusual this thread is.
"Imamother posters" are not all wise and knowing. But it's helpful to get somewhat of a pulse on things when you post here and many people respond.

If you have a rav or mentor, maybe run this by them?

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

What other HS girls wear or don't wear is irrelevant.
Contact lenses isn't an unreasonable whim. Your daughter isn't unreasonable at all but it seems you have much deeper issues and I am *convinced* your don't have a good relationship with her.
Did you even look into the cost of contact lenses? Prices could be considerably cheaper then what they used to be.

essie14 ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:08 pm

Just chiming in to back up everyone else.
Op, you may think you'll win this battle, but you'll definitely lose the war and your relationship with your daughter will suffer.
Contact lenses are not a $25 lip gloss that your daughter swears she "needs to have".
It's not name brand sneakers or a Lululemon bag or anything else that you would be justified saying no to.
Lenses are in the category of braces, maxi pads, tampons, bras.
Necessities.

amother

↑ Caramel

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:10 pm

This is really community-dependent.

I also have a 14yo DD. She didn't want to wear glasses, also for aesthetic reasons.

But she has quite a few girls in her class with glasses, and if there are any with contacts it's a minority.

I never made it a power struggle. I got her the glasses and put the ball in her court. At first she didn't wear them. But needing to ask other girls to read things off the board for her got uncomfortable enough that she started wearing them occasionally.

And then hearing from classmates that she looks good in glasses (even though she still doesn't agree) is enough that she wears them whenever she thinks she needs them.

If indeed in OP's school the vast majority of girls are wearing contacts, I agree that this might not be fair to put on her. But if it's an even split, I don't think OP is being unreasonable if she is against contacts for any reason.

amother

↑ Crystal

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why did you wear contacts for 20 years?????