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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
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Chayalle
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 Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:19 am
| amother OP wrote: | I am perfectly okay noting that I have a different mentality than Imamother posters. In real life, many high school girls in my daughter's school wear glasses every day.
I don't generally cave to unreasonable whims of teenagers. Not wearing glasses when you need glasses is unreasonable. Sometimes people are unreasonable about their looks and that's fine, I can make it up to my daughter in a different area.
I wore glasses for 34 years besides the 20 years I wore contacts. I have plenty of experience with both. I know the costs, and I know where I'm not spending money. |
Honey, not giving your teen a choice about what she wears is also unreasonable.
What worked for you may not work for your daughter. She is not you. Perhaps this is something you need to realize.
I have 3 daughters, and not one of them takes after me. They are their own selves. They have their own life experiences to live. Plus they live in a different generation than me. I don't expect them to do what I did.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:19 am
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Op u need to get off ur control freak high horse. Sorry for being so rude but how in the world can have u not have empathy for ur daughter. She is communicating with u that in order for her to feel good, confident, pretty.. she needs contacts. Why o why is this so hard to buy her?? Curious what ur husband thinks. Also wondering how u will react when she starts making her own money on the side and does things u don’t approve of - how will u react? That is a guarantee this will happen. I mean if u are not her safe space someone or something else will b and that won’t b pretty. Stop comparing what u have done or what others do or have done. It’s about YOUR daughter. If u keep pushing this I promise u will b coming back here sooner than later with a thread on dealing with much more real heavy stuff
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 11:38 am
Just curious- has your daughter expressed an interest in wearing contacts?
We are all assuming that she has asked for this, but you never actually confirmed that. You only said that it's not an option and she doesn't want to wear glasses. And that you don't believe in giving into the whims of teenagers.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:25 pm
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OP, do you allow your girls to get their facial hair waxed if needed?
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Ruchel
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:30 pm
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I want to say some teens also don't want lenses.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:34 pm
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OP, what would you say if someone else offers to pay for her contacts? If the school advises you to get them?
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keym
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:35 pm
| Ruchel wrote: | | I want to say some teens also don't want lenses. |
That's true but also not the point here
My daughter REFUSES to get contacts.
I've offered
She gets squeamish about eyes, eyeballs, putting contacts in.
That's ok. It's her choice.
As she gets older, she may change her mind, that's ok. Or not. That's also ok.
She was one of only 3 or 4 who graduated high school in glasses.
But that's not the point. Because SHE doesn't want to and it's her decision.
OPs daughter seems to want to.
And pointing out girls like my daughter "see, HER DD wears glasses" is actually useless and irrelevant.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:36 pm
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If she refuses both glasses and contacts, I advise natural consequences. That definitely includes no driving lessons. Life will be its own consequence- she will have headaches and not be able to see in school. But this only works if she refuses both options.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:42 pm
| amother Ghostwhite wrote: | | Op u need to get off ur control freak high horse. Sorry for being so rude but how in the world can have u not have empathy for ur daughter. She is communicating with u that in order for her to feel good, confident, pretty.. she needs contacts. Why o why is this so hard to buy her?? Curious what ur husband thinks. Also wondering how u will react when she starts making her own money on the side and does things u don’t approve of - how will u react? That is a guarantee this will happen. I mean if u are not her safe space someone or something else will b and that won’t b pretty. Stop comparing what u have done or what others do or have done. It’s about YOUR daughter. If u keep pushing this I promise u will b coming back here sooner than later with a thread on dealing with much more real heavy stuff |
Agree.
And what will happen when she starts dating?
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:31 pm
| amother Jade wrote: | | A 6 page thread and not one person agreed that op was right. |
You're actually wrong. I did see a few people agreeing this refusal to wear glasses is narishkeit and ridiculous. Me included. There's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, people have been wearing them for hundreds of years. And many, many people still do.
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Chayalle
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:33 pm
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | | You're actually wrong. I did see a few people agreeing this refusal to wear glasses is narishkeit and ridiculous. Me included. There's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, people have been wearing them for hundreds of years. And many, many people still do. |
There's nothing wrong with glasses. But she doesn't want to wear them. There is something wrong with forcing a teen, to not giving her a choice.
A teen is on the way to becoming an adult, and making choices for herself is an important part of that process. This teen is not being allowed that, for no really good reason except her mother is stuck at "no lenses, how can I make her do things my way and wear glasses."
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:33 pm
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | | You're actually wrong. I did see a few people agreeing this refusal to wear glasses is narishkeit and ridiculous. Me included. There's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, people have been wearing them for hundreds of years. And many, many people still do. |
There's nothing wrong with wearing glasses. There's something very very wrong with a mother that forces her teen to wear glasses & refuses to get them a basic necessity like contacts.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:46 pm
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | | You're actually wrong. I did see a few people agreeing this refusal to wear glasses is narishkeit and ridiculous. Me included. There's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, people have been wearing them for hundreds of years. And many, many people still do. |
Nothing wrong with wearing glasses. I wear glasses exclusively. (My eyes are too dry for lenses.)
But it's not narishkeit or ridiculous to not want to wear glasses.
(And even if it is, we make some concessions for a person's self dignity.)
It's very narish and ridiculous for a mother to infantilize her daughter (she's 14, not 4!) and get into a power struggle on such an issue. I can almost promise OP, if she would consult with an objective person, a rav or therapist, they will tell her how wrong and damaging her attitude is.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:48 pm
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Since when are contacts a basic necessity. They're not. The 14 yr old needs to see, her mother got her the basic necessity needed in order to allow for that, and somehow that's not good enough, for absolutely no good reason. She absolutely must go some other route or else her child will go off the derech, hate her, and never forgive her. My gosh. My parents told me no to many requests of mine, and I still love and cherish them and spend plenty of time with them. And yeah, at the time I felt my request was very very important and an absolute must, and somehow I got over it with our relationship intact. Contacts are not the be all and end all, there's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, and nothing will happen if a girl wears glasses in high school or beyond. OP has been very clear that pleeeenty of girls wear glasses at her daughter's school. It's honestly not some social catastrophe. Teens are not some faint delicate creature who will self-destruct if they're not doing the "in" thing in every single area. It's ok to learn how to own your appearance and be fine with yourself. There are plenty of teens managing just fine in way, WAY harder life situations so wearing glasses instead of contacts is not some horror a parent is inflicting on their poor child. Honestly, telling someone they're wrecking their entire relationship cuz they got their kid beautiful glasses and won't also get them lenses? Puh-leeze.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:02 pm
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | | Since when are contacts a basic necessity. They're not. The 14 yr old needs to see, her mother got her the basic necessity needed in order to allow for that, and somehow that's not good enough, for absolutely no good reason. She absolutely must go some other route or else her child will go off the derech, hate her, and never forgive her. My gosh. My parents told me no to many requests of mine, and I still love and cherish them and spend plenty of time with them. And yeah, at the time I felt my request was very very important and an absolute must, and somehow I got over it with our relationship intact. Contacts are not the be all and end all, there's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, and nothing will happen if a girl wears glasses in high school or beyond. OP has been very clear that pleeeenty of girls wear glasses at her daughter's school. It's honestly not some social catastrophe. Teens are not some faint delicate creature who will self-destruct if they're not doing the "in" thing in every single area. It's ok to learn how to own your appearance and be fine with yourself. There are plenty of teens managing just fine in way, WAY harder life situations so wearing glasses instead of contacts is not some horror a parent is inflicting on their poor child. Honestly, telling someone they're wrecking their entire relationship cuz they got their kid beautiful glasses and won't also get them lenses? Puh-leeze. |
Fine. Let's say lenses are not the "be all and end all". So the parent gets the kid glasses. But she refuses to wear them.
What would YOU do? What would your parents have done? She can't exactly force her child.
Let say THIS child feels so mortified wearing glasses that she would rather go blind to school.
The fact is that this girl is not willing to "own her appearance" and be fine with it. She would rather not see.
Still think the mothers approach is smart?
I think you are missing the forest for the trees. It's not about the lenses. What most posters are seeing is a rigid controlling mother, who is lacking empathy and understanding of what her daughter seems to need.
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Chayalle
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:10 pm
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | | Since when are contacts a basic necessity. They're not. The 14 yr old needs to see, her mother got her the basic necessity needed in order to allow for that, and somehow that's not good enough, for absolutely no good reason. She absolutely must go some other route or else her child will go off the derech, hate her, and never forgive her. My gosh. My parents told me no to many requests of mine, and I still love and cherish them and spend plenty of time with them. And yeah, at the time I felt my request was very very important and an absolute must, and somehow I got over it with our relationship intact. Contacts are not the be all and end all, there's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, and nothing will happen if a girl wears glasses in high school or beyond. OP has been very clear that pleeeenty of girls wear glasses at her daughter's school. It's honestly not some social catastrophe. Teens are not some faint delicate creature who will self-destruct if they're not doing the "in" thing in every single area. It's ok to learn how to own your appearance and be fine with yourself. There are plenty of teens managing just fine in way, WAY harder life situations so wearing glasses instead of contacts is not some horror a parent is inflicting on their poor child. Honestly, telling someone they're wrecking their entire relationship cuz they got their kid beautiful glasses and won't also get them lenses? Puh-leeze. |
Most of us seem to agree that a girl's opinion on her own appearance is not "no good reason". And yes, devaluing that in a teen can have repercussions.
It's great that your parents' way worked for you. It may or may not work for OP's relationship with her teen. I don't think we know that. I happen to be of the belief that a teen should have choices in this particular area if it's important to her.
I find it interesting that you say it's okay to learn to own your appearance and be fine with yourself. I actually think that's exactly what this teen is doing. Just not in the way that OP wants.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:24 pm
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | | Since when are contacts a basic necessity. They're not. The 14 yr old needs to see, her mother got her the basic necessity needed in order to allow for that, and somehow that's not good enough, for absolutely no good reason. She absolutely must go some other route or else her child will go off the derech, hate her, and never forgive her. My gosh. My parents told me no to many requests of mine, and I still love and cherish them and spend plenty of time with them. And yeah, at the time I felt my request was very very important and an absolute must, and somehow I got over it with our relationship intact. Contacts are not the be all and end all, there's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, and nothing will happen if a girl wears glasses in high school or beyond. OP has been very clear that pleeeenty of girls wear glasses at her daughter's school. It's honestly not some social catastrophe. Teens are not some faint delicate creature who will self-destruct if they're not doing the "in" thing in every single area. It's ok to learn how to own your appearance and be fine with yourself. There are plenty of teens managing just fine in way, WAY harder life situations so wearing glasses instead of contacts is not some horror a parent is inflicting on their poor child. Honestly, telling someone they're wrecking their entire relationship cuz they got their kid beautiful glasses and won't also get them lenses? Puh-leeze. |
Contact lenses are as basic necessity as waxing, tampons, skin care for acne, deodorant, specific shampoo for oily hair.... they're all basic products a child shouldn't have to beg for. For a parent to refuse those, is just beyond me.
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Hashem_Yaazor
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:30 pm
| amother Cantaloupe wrote: | | You're actually wrong. I did see a few people agreeing this refusal to wear glasses is narishkeit and ridiculous. Me included. There's absolutely nothing wrong with glasses, people have been wearing them for hundreds of years. And many, many people still do. |
Yes, I do. My husband does. My son does. None of us have contacts.
Apparently it is an issue to OP's daughter.
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amother
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Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:31 pm
| amother OP wrote: |
I wore glasses for 34 years besides the 20 years I wore contacts. I have plenty of experience with both. I know the costs, and I know where I'm not spending money. |
So seems like op has been wearing corrective lenses for 54 years. If she got glasses at age 10, that would make her 64 now. Op, is she your youngest? Maybe it's an old-time mentality to be overly rigid, Mama knows best mentality, Mom makes all decisions and it's final.
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