Handle Without hurting/ shaming Chavrussa?

amother

↑ Whitesmoke ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:04 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear you all. I also listen to shiurim all the time while multitasking.

And yes I learn better if I’m searching for words and using many books. But I’m concentrating on the subject.

However learning with someone who has no kavana is as if not fulfilling the mitzvah at all:

The Sefer Reishis Chochma, Shaar Hakedusha, Perek Vov paskens that one who learns Torah without kavana is not mekayem the mitzvah of Limud HaTorah. If he learns without kavana, it is considered as if he never learned. The Dvar Avraham quotes Reb Elchanan Wasserman as saying that it is possible for a person to have learned Torah and it would be considered as if he is not doing the Mitzvah if he has the kavana not to do the mitzvah.

For reasons that are sensitive for me I don’t want to be involved for learning torah while someone is cleaning the house or cooking I’m ok with watching kids as I do the same but that is in my communities opinion the only “pass women have when learning with a Chavrussa. I understand this will bring many hard feelings.

All I’m asking for is how should I handle this in a nice way without making her feel bad. When I’m reading and all of a sudden I ask can you read while I get my contacts she says she’s sorry but she’s cooking. I don’t learn to check a box, I learn because it’s my way to get close to Hashem.
While I know everyone has their oppinion im asking for advice on how to tell her without hurting or shaming or making her feel bad.

No hard feelings. We learn something new everyday. Bli neder ill ask a shaila for myself.

Meanwhile, im really trying to understand your position as it completely foreign to me. I think that is where youre getting the pushback......that you are taking a not mainstream idea and applying it not to yourself, but to disrupt some OTHER MOTHER'S avodas Hashem.

Anyway, it does not sound like youre a fit for eachother, but if you do want to continue learning, just something ekse you can say " I prefer to learn chumash in a more focused manner, if were going to be learning light can we learn something lighter?"

This is not hurting or shaming.

I would avoid bringing halacha in unless youre sure what shes doing is assur.

My questions:
1.
Quote "I’m ok with watching kids as I do the same but that is in my communities opinion the only “pass women have when learning with a Chavrussa. I understand this will bring many hard feelings."

Which community is this that only allows watching kids? And why is childcare ok but not cooking?

2. Your rav brought the Reishis Chochma to tell you that women should only learn inside a chumash with no distractions? Otherwise dont learn chumash at all? Can you confirm this is your rav's source not yours?

(I know some chassidim hold that women should not learn inside, for any reason, possibly because of thsse reasons, but this is not the mainstream yeshivish/bais yaakov approach.)

3. Quote "learning with someone who has no kavana is as if not fulfilling the mitzvah at all: "

Are you sure the OTHER PERSONS'S kavanos impact what YOU get credit for?

4.
This is not a question. This is something to point out.

"I don’t learn to check a box, I learn because it’s my way to get close to Hashem. "

Im sorry, this is an exceptionally judgy statement and not something you can say nicely.

"Im asking for advice on how to tell her without hurting or shaming or making her feel bad"

When you tell a busy mother she is just "checking a box" you are absolutely hurting and shaming her. Even if you just think this, because of course you wouldn't say it. Try to be machshiv in your mind what this mother is trying to accomplish.