How to handle chutzpadig, stubborn, fighting 12 year old?

amother

↑ Fuchsia

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 8:09 am

amother OP wrote:

He is a very picky eater who dislikes most healthy foods. He will not eat them no matter what, so there's really nothing I can do. I have a rule about no snacks until you've eaten something that counts as a meal, which is very mean of me because he doesn't like anything for most meals, so he sneaks snacks anyway.

I get you. I have stubborn picky eaters as well. Unfortunately it's part of the presentation. At least for us. Brain inflammation makes them very restrictive about what they'll eat and poor gut health causes them to resteict to the foods that are the worst and most inflammatory for them. It's a terrible cycle Sad

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 10:07 am

Leave the going to shul problem to your husband. If your husband doesn’t care about it, encourage him to go, but just let go of the forcefulness. It’s the father’s responsibility and there’s not that much a woman can do to model it or enforce it.
If I were you, I’d dress up the younger son and any siblings and go to shul or go out of the house Shabbos morning to play outside, to a playground , to a neighbor … Your older son won’t be able to fight with the younger one and he will get bored at home and probably make his way to shul eventually. The throwing toys and furniture is a problem and should be followed by a clear immediate consequence. Maybe being grounded , a privilege taken away, a chore that needs to be completed. Pick your fights very carefully with him. If something is not that important, let it be. Don’t bother getting into struggles about details.

mha3484

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 10:09 am

I recommend this a lot but I think kids like this do very well with a model called collaborative problem solving. There is a book called the explosive child you can read or you can go to www.livesinthebalance.org and read through the parent section instead. But I think this could really help you.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 11:03 am

mha3484 wrote:

I read the explosive child a few years ago. Maybe I'll reread it and try to implement it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 11:21 am

amother Jetblack wrote:

Dh often tells him to come to shul and what time to be there. But then he leaves to go to shul. Sometimes, if ds is up early enough, dh makes him come with him. But this time ds woke up after dh had left already.

Taking the whole family our is difficult. I have a few little kids. Getting everyone dressed and breakfasted takes time.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 11:25 am

giftedmom wrote:

What jumps out at me is the constant back and forth power struggle between both of you. Where is your relationship? I’m sure you love him but does he know that? Does he feel it? Does he feel like you’re on the same team?
Figure out how to rebuild from the ground up, focus on that. The rest of it is just commentary.

Our relationship in general is quite good. For example, today he stayed home from school for a mixture of a few reasons. We are enjoying our day together. I took him to a place he enjoys hanging out and stayed there with him for a while. Now he is making us lunch.

I think the real reason he wanted to stay home was to rebuild our relationship after he took blows at it last night.