Why are we over therapizing our children

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 12:13 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

It’s always good when everyone has the answer of work harder and do it all yourself. Definitely leads to safe situations for the kids.

Please quote where I said work harder. Actually, parents are working TOO HARD. Trying to meddle into every problem and solve everything for their child…that is exhausting work.

I believe parents should instill confidence in their children that THE CHILD can do hard things.

maestro

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 12:17 pm

Thank you for writing this post OP!!

100 percent!!

I am grateful that when my child had anxious behaviors and I went to an OT for an eval (after regular therapy didn't work) - they told me that the issue was minor and that all I needed was some guidance. In a couple of sessions, they taught me how to speak to my child based on their brain profile - and boom! The behaviors stopped.

One of the reasons why I feel empowered was hearing professionals share with me that there is too much therapy being placed on children who don't need it.

Or they are getting the wrong approach. So lucky to have had honest shlichim.

chanatron1000

Thu, Jun 27 2024, 12:22 pm

Unavoidably, there is a cost to the child in just sending to therapy, regardless of what the therapist does. Because even if you tell them otherwise, children do absorb the message that you think there's something wrong with them. And because it takes up the child's time - that alone can be more harmful than people think.

That all has nothing to do with what actually goes on in therapy. Good therapists help children build resilience and learn skills. This can be a lifesaver for a lot of people, and parents can't take that role. Bad therapists can be bad in a lot of different ways, but nobody seeks out a bad therapist, so the problem isn't with the parents.

Shani...

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 8:40 am

A large percentage of the challenges with young children is highly dependent on the parent. This doesn't mean that the parent is incompetent, merely that it is within the power of the parent/s to help the child overcome their challenges with guidance of course.

An overwhelming percentage of therapists will agree to this and recommend this. But it not an absolute and every situation requires discretion.

amother

IndianRed

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 8:53 am

My parents didn’t focus on every issue and didn’t make things a big deal. Great.

It took 16 years of being molested, years of self harm, a suicide attempt, severe depression and anxiety (that I still battle with decades later), before I got into therapy

If I had gone at the first sign that things were maybe not okay, it would have changed my life, and so many others who were abused after me. I would have told a therapist what was happening to me. Just nobody ever thought to ask.

amother

Outerspace

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 9:07 am

amother OP wrote:

I have been a teacher for several years, have taught over 100 students. I have NEVER suggested to a parent to have a child evaluated or sent to therapy. My students did well in my classroom (even the naturally inattentive ones) because I understood them. I knew how to engage them and make them feel part of classroom community. My students felt liked and felt that they belonged, and they had motivation to succeed.

I had confidence that I can reach each student, and so I did.

I’m no therapist, and yet I’ve been able to help the struggling kids succeed.

Okay.
How many years have you been teaching, how many kids on average spare in your class, and how old are you? Oh, and do you teach one subject (like 4 periods a week) or do you teach a half day?

I'm a teacher who has taught around 200 students (avg. 20 kids*10 years) and am in my mid-30s. I teach a half a day.

I am a very beloved that teacher and I have ABSOLUTELY recommended therapy. I am a middle elementary teacher.

What did you do for the absolutely defiant kid who would tantrum and scream?
What did you do for the child who sat under her desk and would fall asleep in class?
What did you do for the child who and so much anxiety that she couldn't learn and was constantly erasing her work?
What did you do for the child who was bullied?
What did you do for the bully?

Have you ever met those children? Every year or two I get a new briyah in my class. A child whose issues I have never encountered before.

And then my next question to you is this
How much do your students, as a whole, learn in your class if you are constantly playing therapist?

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 9:07 am

One thing people are forgetting is covid. It did a number on many people. Both adults and children. My daughter has anxiety. It was tolerable when she was younger. She was in first grade when covid hit. 3 months of tension and uncertainty affected her. Not going to discuss the other factors increasing her anxiety. But the doctor who prescribes her medication told me that anxiety in children who went through covid lockdown is higher than before covid. Exponentially.

amother

DarkPurple

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 2:03 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

I think we need more parent awareness, education and empowerment, about general childhood development, and psycho-social development…

100%! If anyone needs a resource of unbiased eduation and empowerment, definitely check out the Guttman sister's what's app status. I have learned so much about normal behavior and they are so reassuring about what to do if something is off without running to therapy. https://wa.me/message/SANN3PPMAIVSH1

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 2:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

I agree, the schools play a massive role in this issue. They can’t deal with a kid, so they require therapy for the child. A parent can’t deal with the kid, send to therapy. It’s like nobody but the therapists can help a child. Ridiculous.

The solution is to learn about what children really need in order to thrive and be resilient in the world. Giving them meaningful responsibilities, giving them a sense of belonging, fostering independence and learning from mistakes.

I have been a teacher for several years, have taught over 100 students. I have NEVER suggested to a parent to have a child evaluated or sent to therapy. My students did well in my classroom (even the naturally inattentive ones) because I understood them. I knew how to engage them and make them feel part of classroom community. My students felt liked and felt that they belonged, and they had motivation to succeed.

I had confidence that I can reach each student, and so I did.

I’m no therapist, and yet I’ve been able to help the struggling kids succeed.

What about a kid with aggressive and bullying behavior and outbursts. How would you help that kid? (Asking because she’s mine and school wants therapy)

amother

Glitter

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:04 pm

Speaking as a therapist, I agree. I used to see only kids and I came to this realization. Now I don't work with kids at all. It's much more beneficial to kids when parents work on themselves and work on being more effective parents. Personally, I can only think of very few reasons to send a child to therapy. I feel bad that child therapists are so highly in demand. It shouldn't be that way.

rosegold446

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I see this on here constantly and it’s been bothering me for a while. For every little issue a mother presents of her child, the immediate reaction is to get a professional involved and send child to therapy.

I feel like when people suggest this to other parents it’s essentially robbing parents of their confidence to deal with issues and ultimately absolving them of their responsibility.

Additionally, I truly believe that when children run the therapy route, it often ends up causing even more damage. Therapy can cause children to ruminate, which creates more problems and can further traumatize them. Addressing every little issue and talking about it often amplifies the issue.

Why can’t parents speak to their own children, toughen them up, and teach them real life skills.

I’m so tired of seeing this all the time. We’re creating weak and fragile kids when we give them the message that every negative behavior is problematic and needs intervention or medication.

I just want to add, I’m not referring to severe issues. Im talking about the typical ODD behavior, ADHD, depression and anxiety.

I think parents can do a better job in influencing healthy mindsets in their children if they had more confidence in their ability to parent, say no, and give appropriate consequences when necessary.

A good, competent therapist won't do this. If you present a good therapist with a very minor issue, they will not cause them to ruminate and amplify it.

A good therapist knows when to make a child think into something and when not to

Last edited by rosegold446 on Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Indigo

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:05 pm

maestro wrote:

Can you share who the OT was?

amother

Indigo

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

So if parents had confidence they could reach their child with ADHD, what should they do? If you have the answers you have a responsibility to the klal; there is so much suffering.

amother

Maize

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:10 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

As a mother, I sincerely hope that I would be able to pick up on something like this WITHOUT a therapists help. As a former child, I shared with my parents immediately if I ever felt uncomfortable by any man, including the time I was inappropriately touched by someone.

This really SHOULD NOT require a therapist to deal with it. And this is an example of outsourcing parenting to others.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

amother

Maize

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:11 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

So if parents had confidence they could reach their child with ADHD, what should they do? If you have the answers you have a responsibility to the klal; there is so much suffering.

How does therapy help a child with ADHD? As a mother of a few ADHD children, I would love to know.

As a mother, I have reached out to experienced teachers for advice which has been very helpful. You absolutely do not need a therapist.

amother

Smokey

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm a child therapist and I agree with your basic point but not the last paragraph.

Yes, especially for younger children, a parent is the best therapist.

But many children need more than just parental confidence or consequences. They need reflective, skilled parenting.

My first choice is always for the parent to go to a therapist who can guide them on how best to help their child. Many of the gold standard approaches for children involve a strong parent training component. I have seen simple interventions, like a parent giving a child undivided attention for 10 minutes at a time, several times a week, making enormous differences. These things don't require a PhD. They require time, a lot of love, and some guidance.