10 yo DD refusing to shower

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 2:12 am

This morning I told her she really can't go to school with her hair looking like that. She said girls her age don't realize it's oily; to them it's smooth and shiny. I told her teacher realizes. She said she didn't care.

She hates getting into the shower. I don't blame her; she is a textbook case of inattentive-ADHD, as am I, and I also hate getting in the shower.

Plus it's starting to get chilly but not chilly enough to put the heat on, so the house is cooler than normal.

Plus earlier this week we had a siren for the first time in weeks, so she's a bit scared there'll be another one while she's in the shower.

All these are valid reasons, but she still has to learn healthy habits! What should I do?!

Elfrida ↓

Yesterday at 2:22 am

First, differentiate between hygiene and appearance. If she's not interested in her looks, she won't care how others see her, or what her teacher thinks of her hair.

Would a more relaxed bath in the evening be easier for her to accommodate? She can take her time, relax in the hot water, maybe even take time to read in the bath. Then she can come out of the bath into pyjamas, and then bed. Make it a pleasurable experience in itself, not just functional. A bath is a much calmer experience than rushing in and out if the shower.

Not much help about the potential sirens, but she can have a robe next to the bath, ready to pull on and get to the mamad. If you have 1½ minutes, that's actually quite a lot of time.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 2:24 am

Raizle wrote:

Tell her she smells?

She doesn't really smell though. I told her that it's bad hygiene and can make you smell, and she said "well, girls in my class smell like poop all the time, and nobody cares."

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 2:34 am

Elfrida wrote:

She prefers baths, and I do let her take long baths at night, but then she doesn't wash her hair. She actually took a bath earlier this week, but didn't use shampoo or soap. I tried explaining that while water alone is better than nothing, but it doesn't really clean you, but she didn't agree.

The mamad is literally two feet away from the bathroom, and we have 90 seconds, and I reassure her that in the unlikely event there's a siren while she's showering, I'll come help her out immediately. That works for DS who has siren-anxiety, but not for her.

↑ Elfrida

Yesterday at 2:45 am

How about getting her something like this to use in the bath? She could just use it to wipe her body down, and job done.

https://www.amazon.com/Spongea.....r=8-8

She's ten. For now, I would settle for a bath twice a week, with washing her hair once a week. (Extra if she is physically dirty.) She's still young enough that you could offer to come in for five minutes and wash her hair for her. It will only take you a moment to massage shampoo into her hair, then she can get it out herself. Don't worry about conditioner or anything extra unless she asks for it.

It does t sound like social norms, or other people's opinions are important to her. The only way you're going to succeed is to make it something she wants to do.
When it gets hot in the summer she'll probably want to bathe more, just to cool down.

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 2:54 am

Thanks Elfrida.

She's started developing already, so I want her to build good hygiene habits if her period will be coming in the next couple of years. But you're right, she is still young, and she really doesn't smell most of the time.

In the summer she definitely showered more often without this level of cajoling, so it could be she really doesn't feel unclean right now.

It's funny because social norms are usually VERY important to her, but clearly she doesn't feel like regular showers are a social norm in her class. Or maybe it's not 🤷🏽‍♀️

water_bear88

Yesterday at 3:20 am

I wouldn't be surprised if siren-anxiety is common in her class, as far as explaining current social norms. Could washing hair separately be an option? A couple generations ago it was normal to wash long hair in the sink, separately to showering. I'm pretty sure my mother said they used the kitchen sink growing up, dressed enough to be seen by male family members. I wonder if she'd let you wash her hair like that if you use a soap she likes the smell of and she knows she's in at least pajamas if a siren goes off.