Where did I go wrong- none of my 11yr boys want to shower

amother

Yesterday at 2:44 pm

I am a normal mom - I have 4 boys and one girl. My daughter - I cannot get her out of the shower. She is 13 and she'll shower 3 times a day if I let her. She spends tons of time caring for herself, her hair, her clothing. I am so proud!

But then there are my boys. BH a million times my 17, 16 and 14 yr olds now shower beautifully every night like dutiful men. But to get to this point I grew many a white hair. I am still traumatized (yes I am using that word) from having to fight with them to get them in the shower as pre teens - 10-13. It was mamesh tzaar gidul banim! But somehow we survived and came out the other side in mostly intact condition.

But now I have my youngest- he is a good kid but he won't shower. I'm embarrassed but he'll go a full week in the winter without stepping foot in the shower. I put my foot down that in the summer I will literally walk him to the shower - he must shower every single day. I've tried every parenting method out there. Ignore, encourage, consequence, reward, discuss, problem solve. Literally nothing works. It's a war in our house every time I have to get him into that stupid shower! And I gave up in the winter on him going every day. I only ask twice a week.

Am I a bad mom? What in the world? Why doesn't he shower? He says it's boring, he's clean, he does this thing where he goes to the bathroom - wets his hair and neck and face and comes out to show me look - I look so clean. I tried explaining that is not called clean. I otherwise have a great relationship with him - but this issue like with my other kids is such a fight.

Why??

amother

Sage

Yesterday at 2:53 pm

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to help your son, but his resistance to showers could be due to sensory sensitivities, a desire for more independence, or simply not caring about hygiene as much. It’s common at this age. Instead of focusing on the battle, try framing it as a way for him to feel fresh and comfortable. Offering gentle reminders, rewards, or even using social pressure (like how his friends likely shower) might help motivate him. Keep setting clear expectations, but also give him some autonomy. This phase will pass as he matures. You're doing great!

amother

Tan

Yesterday at 2:58 pm

Following! My almost 11 year old boy gives me such a hard time showering too. He hates how it feels.

amother

Seagreen

Yesterday at 3:00 pm

Still working on getting my 18 yo son to shower Sad

amother

Honeydew

Yesterday at 3:07 pm

One of my kids hated showering at this age. She’s grown up now…told me that when I forced it, she faked it. She outgrew that phase thank goodness. He will too. So unless he smells really bad, I would let it go. It will probably happen naturally in a little while.

giftedmom

Yesterday at 3:21 pm

Can’t get him in, can’t get him out. Lol

amother

Moccasin

Yesterday at 3:37 pm

TYH FOR SHABBOS!
there is hope I have other teens that used to be same and don't stop a day now.
...it may take a few years hang in there and hold your nose

amother

Cerulean

Yesterday at 3:42 pm

Sooo normal! Bh bh my almost -2 year old has finally started realizing he needs to shower on his own and makes it happen.. for the last few years I had to. Physically bring him to the bathroom and hand him his towel. Somtimes I had to turn it on for him.

flowerpower

Yesterday at 3:49 pm

Boys love to stink! My neighbors son went to camp for the first time this year. He barely changed underwear or socks and showered one a week.

When I wanted to make my son cry I would say “please go take a shower”. With my 9-11 year old son we argue for an hour until he begrudgingly gives in.

Please go shower

Tomorrow

You know that we do showers every Sunday

I’m telling you I’ll shower tomorrow. You’ll see

Sunday is shower day. Please go take one

Starts to whine kvetch negotiate….

familyfirst

Yesterday at 3:50 pm

Pick you battles

2-3 times a week during the winter is passable if he washes his face, hands and neck. Don’t over do it. Every other day is really ok

amother

Poinsettia

Yesterday at 3:56 pm

We happen to be an all girls family. When we had left home, my mother started fostering other children. Normally they were younger but once she had a boy who was nine or ten, and he refused to shower.

She called us up to discuss whether she should insist, or maybe this was some deep psychological issue, that she should treat very gently. We assured her it was completely normal for boys that age, and that she needed to get my father to conduct this boy to the shower with no arguments!

amother

Salmon

Yesterday at 3:58 pm

OMG I can bang my head against the wall and pull every hair out from him Banging head

amother

Clematis

Yesterday at 4:20 pm

I think I need to be grateful my boys have a teacher who is 'hygiene challenged'.

I have to put up with lots of complaints about this teacher, but at least my boys are meticulous about showering!! LOL

tweety1

Yesterday at 4:41 pm

Boys or girls? Boys never. Girls every single night.

amother

Lightcoral

Today at 2:51 am

I voted once a week but DS13 will shower twice a week if I remember to remind him early enough in the evening. But no more than that unless if I force him in the summer.

Truth be told, I don't want my children showering every day. It's not good for their skin and not good for their health. I want them to shower every other day, so three times a week is what I aim for. Unfortunately, I haven't succeeded with any of my boys. Eventually they go off to yeshiva, though, and being chassidish they go to the mikvah every morning so they do shower every day. I hope. Surprised

AshkenazMom

Today at 3:28 am

Did ypu try something fun to do in the shower? What is he doing instead?
I bought my mom, long time ago, a radio with a mirror for the shower.. perhaps you can get him something like that?
I always loved to shower (I still do), however I remember pre teens as an age where I wanted to be just inside my own world.

Good luck!

amother

Goldenrod

Today at 3:31 am

My son is very lazy if I prepare everything for him, hos slippers, towel clothing turn in the bath water he'll take a shower. I also put some clothing in the dryer so he jas hot clothes.

amother

Peru

Today at 5:07 am

I'm not an 11 year old boy, but I can totally relate! I hate going in and coming out, but the shower itself is nice once you're under the water.

amother

Mint ↓

Today at 5:15 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes it’s a struggle.
I am on my second son and I need to remind him.
My routine for younger kids is to shower every other day so it’s not a struggle- he is used to it. Now, he is 12 and starting to smell. I tell him about puberty and that he is a man and he should shower every day like a grown up. And yes I tell him that I sense grown up sweat at the end pf the day.

We are not there yet but I think peer pressure will do its job if parenting doesn’t work.
My older son had a stretch when he decided he doesn’t need to shower so often - guess who sat all alone in the yeshiva because everyone avoided him? That cured him quickly.
With teeth and showering, I rely on peer pressure

amother

↑ Mint

Today at 5:26 am

That being said, any change in a routine is hard and needs an adjustment period.
I have GD and have thrown a tantrum that I need to now remember to do finger pricks. And I am almost 40.