Daughter 19 engaged, invite all friends to meal?

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 11:30 am

Bh my daughter is engaged. She’s 19 years old and the third in her grade to be engaged. Around 70 girls from seminary and 100 from high school. At the first girls wedding recently there were many many girls that came to the wedding and it’ll probably be the same for my daughter.
How does it work for the meal? Is everyone invited but only set up a certain number of seats for the meal? Only close friends invited? How do I work this out with numbers and budget?

amother

Waterlily

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 11:48 am

Her actual circle of 10 friends are invited for the meal and everyone else comes for dancing. Shouldn't be more than 1 table for friends. Real friends.

OddoneOut1

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 11:57 am

In my circles it goes two ways- the Kallah only send a return envelope to close friends or to everyone.
In both scenarios you set up one to three tables for friends (based on your budget) and girls rotate seats or stand- but they are not old ladies who NEED to sit even if they stay long.
Personally I think it’s nicer to send a return card to all because it’s just nice…as she is very young it is possible many girls wil come though
Mazel tov!!!!

amother

Leaf

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 12:00 pm

OddoneOut1 wrote:

No, It’s not nice to send a return card and offer a seat that won’t be there. Unless you are paying for 170 seats, it’s unfair for a girl to show up thinking she has a seat but really doesn’t and has to share/stand around

amother

Jade

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 12:02 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Community specific.
In many communities ppl come and go at weddings and rotate seats.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 1:26 pm

This was me. We did return cards only for close(ish) friends and everyone else just came for dancing etc. For sure in her grade she should not invite anyone that it is not from her class for the meal.

amother

Catmint

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 1:50 pm

Regular yeshivish circles-I was first to get engaged, I only invited my class and close friends to meal, because I knew we couldn’t afford to have seats for everyone. However, this was totally out of the norm. All of my friends invited everyone-full high school grade and full seminary. They put out about 30 seats for friends even if they invited 150. I really don’t agree with this way of doing things but it’s what everyone did.

Chayalle ↓

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 1:58 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

I think it's because you were the first, vs. later on.

When you're 19, everyone's excited to come, it's the first wedding (or the 2nd or 3rd) and sending everyone an invitation means you better have 170 seats, or be rude. So you have to cut down and only invite close friends.
By the time you're in your mid 20's, your lucky if anyone comes to the dancing...you send your whole grade invitations, and your close friends come to the meal, and a few people come to the dancing, and everyone else is married with 2 babies and doesn't come at all.....

watergirl

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 2:12 pm

I've seen this happen too many times:
Girls are invited for dancing only, but other girls are invited for everything. All of the girls stay and eat, going as far as telling the kitchen to bring them meals and getting tables set up for them. Costing the baalei simcha thousands more. I've even seen it happen when the BY high schoolers were asked to come for dancing because the kallah had little or no people dancing at all, and then they all sit and eat. I actually informed the school that this was happening so the mechaneches could teach the girls proper etiquette.

↑ Chayalle

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 3:35 pm

watergirl wrote:

I wonder if this is cultural. In Lakewood many girls send invitations to the whole grade, and unless you are a good friend of the Kallah it's socially off to eat. Most girls go in to dance, or to the Chuppah....I only ever saw my girls going to a meal if it was a girl whose name I'd heard at home many times....

amother

Hibiscus

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 3:42 pm

I got married 6 years ago. If your daughter is one of the first weddings more people will come bc it’s still very exciting. In my circles we invite the whole grade(we didn’t have just one class; at a certain point I was in a class with everyone and had what to do with them ) and seminary. We only put out seats for those who sent back return cards that said they are coming for the meal. When ends up happening is that only close friends say that, so it balanced out. Keep in mind, especially for a young Kallah, these friends are the main part of the wedding fun/dancing for her. Distant family and your family friends not so much:) No one will stay for second dance if they aren’t part of the meal, she’ll want to have friends stay.

amother

DarkRed

Wed, Oct 09 2024, 3:43 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I am in Baltimore and I agree with the above. Unless a girl is coming in from a different city (which she likely won't do unless she IS a good friend), the girls rarely sit down to eat even when there are enough seats set up. It's a waste to pay for more than 3 tables for the girls, regardless of how many show up.