Siblings rivalry overload - help me be dlkz

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 5:31 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

From your OP, it sounds like you are afraid to be strict with her. And because you are bottling it up, you're feeling very angry.

I recommend the book Siblings without Rivalry.

Hatzlocha.

Yes it’s also true because I know she is the older dd and so much falls on her. And she legitimately has certain pressures in life, so I am trying to compensate there too. As I said I won’t go into detail but believe me, I am trying hard.

amother

↑ Cappuccino

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 5:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

I suggested a book because it's not just about responding to this particular situation. You would like to foster an overall positive relationship between them.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 6:22 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

I suggested a book because it's not just about responding to this particular situation. You would like to foster an overall positive relationship between them.

I have read that book
I should probably reread it

amother

Gray

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 6:33 pm

You sound frustrated and overwhelmed, which is understandable in your ninth month.
What she said is not great, but it doesn't warrant so much anger and disgust. She's trying to test the waters and see if she can get what she wants. That's what teens do.
Maybe have a talk with her about it in private sometime. Try to hear her out and understand it from her perspective.

amother

↑ Mulberry ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 6:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

We are trying so hard and there are kids who get even less! They are overlooked and they are not so aggressive in assertibg themselves.
I end up wanting to spend more time with them than with her, because they are just so much more gracious about it.
And chanuka time everyone is home and it’s so hard to give exclusive attention to anyone

You really dont have any tolerance for her. Shes the oldest she had you all to herself until her siblings came along. And with each additional child more attention is taken away from her. And probably more responsibility for her as well. Your now expecting another one her feelings are valid. The nature of her brother existing is competition enough for parents attention and resources. Shes also 15 hormonal etc. kids who need love attention the most are often the most difficult ones the ones that are hardest for us to show. It becomes a vicious cycle though she picks up on your disgust for her and it makes the whole cycle worse. I really think some parenting lessons will help your relationship tremendously.

amother

Ivory ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 7:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

I feel kind of bad for her, plus coupled with you admitting to hating her she might be having a hard time in your family.

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 9:36 pm

Some kids are a bottomless pit when it comes to special attention from parents. No matter how much one on one time you give them, they don't feel satisfied and they're always pushing for more. Yes, obviously this is a problem itself. But dedicating another time for private time is not always the answer.

amother

Midnight

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 9:42 pm

As an only girl in a boy family, I often wanted time with my parents without the boys around. The atmosphere is different.
You may not realize it but you may be subconsciously giving the message that you are happier to be flexible for his needs than for hers maybe because he learns so many hours and she is feeling inferior.
Also, sometimes a teen reaches a stage where she is really uncomfortable going places with a teen boy even if it's her brother.
There are so many possible reasons for this but you come over in writing as really angry with her. I'm sure she feels that and it makes it worse.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 4:21 am

amother Ivory wrote:

I feel kind of bad for her, plus coupled with you admitting to hating her she might be having a hard time in your family.

When did I admit that I hate her? And when did I admit to her that I hate her?

amother

Maize

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 6:59 am

amother OP wrote:

He doesn’t involve with her at all.
Hardly ever.
Only by virtue of existing and maybe being in the same space as her every now and then

Hardly ever can be more than enough to drive each other crazy. Don’t underestimate how siblings know how to get on each others nerves, it can be subtle but still very annoying to each other. I try not to fall into the trap of choosing a guilty and innocent party when it comes to sibling rivalry. There so much back story and nuance I’m missing.

amother

NeonOrange ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 7:19 am

I take on the belief that all children are born into the same family for a reason.
They were handpicked by Hashem to work and live and grow up together with one another.
They have to learn to live peacefully together and tolerate each other.
This is perfect training ground for marriage according to a lot of people and I just read it in R Avigdor Miller's teachings one of these weeks.

That being said and done, it's okay to try to give your daughter time alone. It's okay that your other child tags along sometimes as well.

Try to see if you can prepare for these things in advance.

The airport visit you can tell your dd and ds that you are planning to go. If dd says she won't go if ds goes then that is her choice. You can't twist yourself into a pretzel every single time.

She is a big girl and she can choose what's worse. To have your ds come along or not to go.

You will not please all of them all of the time and you don't have to. It's part of the growing up process.

She doesn't get to have a free hate fest. And your ds probably knows that he irks hers. And they both know that they are getting your goat with this. Please don't involve yourself in the middle.

I tell my children that they should work things out between themselves. I love them both very much and Hashem put them in this family together for a reason.

Try to be prepared. Of course you can't always but try.

Lots of hugs and trust me, I also deal with this a lot a lot a lot. Gets compounded with how many kids you have.
We need to strengthen and grow up ourselves together with our kids. Don't own their problems.

Hugs and please Daven to Hashem that your children should get along with each other.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 7:24 am

amother NeonOrange wrote:

Thank you for your encouraging words.

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 7:31 am

amother OP wrote:

Are you putting more on her bc she is the only daughter? Maybe this is part of the resentment.

amother

↑ NeonOrange

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:03 am

Came back to say that if she is the only daughter and has more responsibilities than the others, then she does get more privileges than the others. Sometimes it should be done more tznius that not everyone has to know about it, but she should feel like she's getting something special.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:36 am

You seem very triggered by her and reading between the lines, you don't understand her fully or like her much. Exploring why you feel like that, look at your history to see who behaved similarly can help you except her fully, love her more, tolerate and understand her better.

notshanarishona

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:38 am

Totally normal for a kid to want alone time without siblings

amother

↑ Ivory ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:38 am

amother OP wrote:

When did I admit that I hate her? And when did I admit to her that I hate her?

In your very first post. And I am sure she picks up on it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:41 am

amother Ivory wrote:

In your very first post. And I am sure she picks up on it.

That’s not what I said
Hating a behavior is not the same as hating a person

amother

Oldlace ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:43 am

I’d start making it clear she gets quality time xyz times a week and the rest is open for everyone and she doesn’t get to make such comments. I would have said no problem if you don’t want to go with him you can stay home. I think you are letting her make too many decisions about her siblings. It’s not really up to her who goes along with parents unless it’s her specific quality time. I’d put an end to this controlling situation. I find the less I let the teens control our home the happier everyone is including teens. They do much better with set boundaries and rules.

amother

↑ Oldlace ↓

Wed, Dec 25 2024, 8:45 am

Some of you sound like you are teens yourself. She’s not the center of the world and she doesn’t get to even have these feelings. Op does not say she hates her she said she finds issues with these middos. No one needs to validate her insulting her brother and treating him like garbage.

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