Help me put the simcha back into simcha!

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:33 am

Mazel Tov, my younger brother is getting engaged!!!

And all I can think about is how much time and money this is going to cost me.

The lechaim is a few hours away. There's a mini lechaim just for family happening tomorrow and the real one next week. Do I need to drive for both?

My daughters are expecting to wear gowns for the wedding. The "gemach" charges $150 per gown, not including cleaning fee. Yes of course I could buy dresses for much cheaper but they won't be gowns. Or I could drive around from place to place hoping to find something in between affordable and elegant.

My sister informed me that my shaitel is not acceptable for the wedding (it is showing its age and would need significant repair to look good). Either I ignore her (and possibly look like their simcha isn't important to me) or invest yet more money and time into dressing for the occasion.

The wedding won't be local either, which means packing and traveling with my family and logistics.

I really want to feel happy for my brother. I really want to celebrate with my family. How can I get there?

Cheiny

Yesterday at 9:46 am

amother OP wrote:

I think it’s the satan trying to ruin and distract from the simcha and making it seem like it will just mean stress and problems for you.

I don’t agree that anyone will look at your sheitel and think, “Look! Her brother’s simcha isn’t important to her.” That’s ridiculous. I’d suggest getting a good wash and set for your wig or even getting a sheitel from a gemach, and dressing as nicely as possible and you will look fine. So will your children.

I don’t think that just because your children “expect” to wear gowns necessarily means they have to. It’s their uncle’s wedding, not their sibling’s. You should do what you can afford to do and what won’t break the bank and cause you more stress. It’s a good opportunity to teach them about staying within your budget, and not always getting everything you want, when there are acceptable alternatives that will look good as well.

As far as having to do the far drive, that’s unavoidable and is a sacrifice on your part, but it is definitely what you should do. It’s your brother, not a more distant relative.

I think you’re worried too much about people’s opinions and that shouldn’t be your focus. Trying to refocus and just being happy for your brother and your family would be better. That will also be setting a good example for your children to focus on what’s more important, instead of on impressing people and worrying about what they’ll think.

amother

Cadetblue

Yesterday at 10:09 am

This framing helps me
Stress doesn’t mean bad
Something can be stressful and be happy at the same time.
When siblings get married and you don’t live in the same town it is beautiful, happy, and stressful and hard.

I let myself feel both the happiness and the he stress they are not contradictions .

I would only come in for the main lechaim.

Ignore your sister about the wig
Most wigs when super freshly done look beautiful.

Gowns are stressful and expensive ( I do think for your girls sake it’s a need)

Once you have allowed yourself to realize it can be happy and hard.
Make a list of how exciting and beautiful this simcha is ( deep down you are probably really happy he is engaged but the practical parts are stressing you out )
Other advise is to focus on one day at a time and let yourself feel and enjoy that moment

Mazal tov and let yourself just feel the moments !!!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:19 am

My shaitel has issues that a wash and set won't fix, but I may just wear it anyhow. Considering that even my brother has commented on it, I'm not so sure my fear is groundless.

The gowns may not be negotiable either, if all of the other nieces are in gowns.

Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about others opinions, but these are the people I'm going to celebrate with, and if it's important to them that their sister and nieces/nephews look good, then it's not so simple to disregard that.

I will try to allow myself to feel the hard and stressful together with the joy.

amother

DarkRed

Yesterday at 10:25 am

Family weddings are definitely expensive. I have bh five this year. And we've had to wear different gowns for each one. (Some are later in the year) I do think that gowns are not negotiable, however you sometimes can find ones for cheaper. Everybody I know wears a gown to their uncle's wedding. It's the norm.

In regard to your wig, is there a wig gemach nearby that you can get a new secondhand one?

In my experience, the expenses for the wedding are the hairdos for the kids, makeup for adults, suits for the boys, babysitter at the wedding, and everything else that comes along with it.

Plus the aufruf, shabbos Sheva Brochos. Etc

amother

Marigold

Yesterday at 10:26 am

amother OP wrote:

Maybe you should borrow from another gemach.
If You're interested in sharing your location we can help you find cheaper option.
I made a few weddings and never borrowed for $150 on a kids gown!! Or adult gown for that matter!!
(I spent slightly more when I bought!)
You can find cheap sheitel as well!!

amother

Iris

Yesterday at 10:31 am

amother OP wrote:

Can I make an assumption here? Is the rest of your family relatively well-off or at least much less budget-conscious than you are?

If so, I have a similar situation. All of my siblings are very well-off, as are my parents. They don't get it. And you know what? I'm glad they don't, there's no reason they have to live the life I live.

I don't hide from them that we need to be careful about spending. I don't talk about it endlessly, but I'll say things in conversation like "Yeah, I wish. That's not in the budget right now, though..." Because it's not something I'm trying to hide, I feel like they recognize that if I'm not getting a new X for their simcha, it has nothing to do with how I view my relationship with them, and everything to do with "my budget."

As for your daughters, how old are they? If they're below tween age, I'd just try to get them something nice that they'll like. Even on Amazon you can find poofy dresses and put a shell under them, and call them gowns. If they're tweens or teens...even as someone who is budget-conscious, I would try to find the money for them to have something that looks similar to their cousins, if it's at all possible. That's one place I wouldn't cut. (Obviously I'd still be careful, but not to the point that they feel "different" from their cousins, and self-conscious the whole time.)

amother

Lemonchiffon

Yesterday at 11:06 am

When my sister got married last year, we ordered gowns on ali for all the nieces. I think they cost around $30-40 with some minor alterations needed. We also ordered hairpieces to match that were a few dollars each.
I don't think you all would need to attend both lchaims if it's far.
Yes there is all the details that will mean it's not as simple as if it was local, but if you stay positive, hopefully you will get through it. And the wedding isn't tomorrow, so you have time to work out all the details.
The one thing I would say you should consider dealing with is your wig.

mommy3b2c

Yesterday at 11:18 am

amother OP wrote:

Regarding the gowns , please get them for your daughters sake. Don’t take away their very normal desire to look like a princess . Especially when all their cousins will look like princesses. How old are they ? And what sizes do they wear ? You might be able to borrow or get for cheap .
(It’s pretty standard for nieces to wear gowns to an aunt or uncles wedding )