If you could go back, what would you do differently

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 8:34 pm

I’m looking to improve my parenting and looking to gain some insight. I’m wondering what I would do differently if I had more experience.

Right now I have 3 little kids under the age of 5. I think I’m very controlling and know there’s a lot I need to let go of.

I want to hear from imas who’ve been raising kids for longer than I have. What would you do differently if you can go back to the earlier days/years? What would you prioritize vs let go of? Which battles would you pick?

What are behaviors that you focused too much energy and attention on but really could’ve ignored?

I’m finding the toddler stage very hard where they don’t listen and laugh at everything. It irks me to no end and I get very upset… but I think it’s because of my lack of experience that I see things very narrowly. Looking to change and improve

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 8:48 pm

amother Clover wrote:

I would just be present. I would let the house fly and just care about their little hearts instead of running running running

What about their difficult or negative behaviors? You’d ignore? I find myself constantly disciplining my 5 year old and it’s very unpleasant.

I want to enjoy her more and have a more accepting relationship but she’s constantly doing negative things. And I feel like I should be ignoring a lot of it, but I don’t know for sure.

amother

Silver

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 8:48 pm

So many things,
I would get more help
The right help of course. Someone to take the kids out and to give me some time on days off to get myself and the house together.
Try to give the kids as much consistency as possible.
A good daily schedule, proper meals, fair discipline, a clean home.
More time spent with family.

amother

Honey

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 8:55 pm

I wish I would have raised them with zero screen time. Just total house-wide ban on all screens. I was so overwhelmed having so many kids close together. I'd put on nice Jewish videos from time to time because I just needed a break sometimes. Or I'd play them in the car to keep everyone from screaming or fighting. But the nice kosher videos eventually led to non-Jewish but fairly parve cartoons. Which over time lead to less parve shows. And then iPad time. Educational games led to many other games. And phones by bar/bat mitzvah. Which are just abuzz all the time. And my kids are so full-blown addicted to screens now. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

amother

↑ Clover ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:00 pm

I wish I wouldve healed my own childhood wounds before having kids. I wish I wouldve reparented myself before being a parent.

Children will trigger all your wounds. Its up to you how you deal with the core issue and those triggers. Oy how I emotionally hurt my oldest. Just like my mom did to me.

amother

↑ Clover

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Take a parenting course focused on the essence of a child. Not methods. More about stuff that forces you to change. I will not name any courses here but do your own research.

baked ziti ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:08 pm

If I could go back in time with my oldest, I would educate myself on what annoying behaviors are age appropriate and transient and what actually needs to be noticed. I thought that if I don't stand on ceremony and ensure that everything gets packed away as soon as I say so or if bedtime isn't at the exact minute, my child will grow up to be feral. Now that said child is a teen, I see that so many things that I thought I had under control (certain house rules, for example) it's like dc completely forgot them. I have no choice but to let a lot of things go now because having a good relationship with dc is more important. I wish I could have known that and been less uptight/more patient and tolerant when this child was young.

amother

Snowdrop

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:21 pm

I would be more gentle and less about keeping things in order. I would have treated my oldest as the baby she was. In comparison to my younger kids, I thought she should have been more mature.
It's hard to see but your 5 year old is a baby.
I would have let them sleep in my bed more even though it made me uncomfortable. I would have insisted on nightly family meals that were more nutritious. While I did limit screen time with my older kids, it's way harder with my younger kids.

AlwaysGrateful ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:29 pm

I think that a lot of us treat our oldest as if they're so old, even though they're really very little.

Maybe make a list throughout one day of the things you correct your five year old on, or expect them to do independently. And then sit down and prioritize them. Start intentionally ignoring the bottom few, and think about how many of the others you can creatively make easier for them to follow.

For example, if your five year old is expected to wait for dinner every day and starts getting wild and "intentionally" doing things wrong, maybe put out a plate of veggies, or offer them a fruit or something. Will it spoil their dinner? Maybe. Or it might just tide them over until their father comes home/dinner is ready/whatever.

If she is expected to dress herself in the morning, and she digs her heels in, maybe see if you can nurse the baby in the room while she dresses to keep her on task better. Or lay out her clothes with her the night before so she can skip that step in the morning. Or let her sleep in some of her clothes. Or give her an incentive--if she can get dressed in X amount of time, she gets to choose the music in the car on the way to school. Or a sticker chart. Or recognize that you want her to dress herself because you just don't have time for one more thing to juggle in the morning, but it takes twice as long to nag her about it than it would to dress her. So tell her you'll do one article of clothing for her if she does the rest, and see if that helps.

I was also too controlling of my oldest, and I wish I'd learned to be a bit more flexible earlier on. And to think logically instead of just having knee-jerk "do it my way!" responses to everything.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:37 pm

Thank you for all the responses.

I think what bothers me the most is the fighting and the not listening to me.

I expect my kids to always listen, but logically I know it’s unrealistic. But I also think that if I ignore when they don’t listen/let them get away with it, then they’ll learn they don’t need to listen. It’s a hard one for me to handle.

I find myself getting so worked up when they don’t listen to what I say or make bedtime difficult. I’m wondering if I should be letting these behaviors slide and handling them with more humor, or if I should continue to be strict about it.

↑ AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:44 pm

I only have a minute now, but a lot to say about fighting. I will try to respond later.

As for listening...I agree that once you've picked the battle by telling them to do something, you need to follow through. But if it's the same things every day that they're not listening to...try to think of a way to make it easier for them, or do it yourself, or make it fun and motivating for them. Maybe it means "flying" them to brush their teeth, or singing a silly song when you brush, or having them check off when they do each thing to get ready for bed.

Got to go, will add more later...

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 9:51 pm

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

This is helpful. Thank you!
And would love to hear more about the fighting

amother

Indigo

Tue, Dec 31 2024, 10:08 pm

I for sure treat my younger kids with more patience and understanding than my older ones.

Partially because I understand more about what is and isn't age appropriate. And partially because I have more help now, so there is more wiggle room available.

Looking back, I have regrets about being too strict and discipline-y, but I also look back and know I did the best I could at the time.

My biggest regret is getting a smartphone. That definitely affected my being "present". But that ship has sailed, and I can't easily go back now. Sad