I wish I was chassidish

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:13 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

I was once at a meal with DH’s newly married friend who didn’t work (and she wasn’t expecting). I was so confused why she wasn’t working and they didn’t appear wealthy by any means unless they kept it super under the radar. I would never make a judgmental comment (I hope!) but in my head I would wonder why they’re not working. Once you have kids I can understand if you keep the little ones at home. But for someone who’s not well-off or doesn’t have kids at home I wouldn’t understand not working (unless there’s more to the story that I don’t know of course like a mental and physical health problem etc).

I’m not trying to be rude and judgemental I just can’t fathom it personally. The “SAHM’s” I know do something to make a little money like little side hustles and still consider themselves SAHM’s.

If you’re able to do it, enjoy!

What can't you fathom? That I don't work even though my youngest is in preschool? That I'm not bored?

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:19 pm

I don't know. I'm Chassidish. Most women are trying to bring in money. They either work or try to open businesses on the side. It's not looked down at to be a SAHM maybe, but it definitely is looked up to if you work somewhere nice or in a prestigious field.

amother

↑ Ecru

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

What can't you fathom? That I don't work even though my youngest is in preschool? That I'm not bored?

I don’t know your circumstances of course but for people who don’t have kids at home AND aren’t financially very comfortable I can’t fathom not using the time that kids are in school to help bring in more income. Like I said I don’t know your personal circumstances but those are just my general thoughts for families in the set of circumstances I described above.

mom37

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:29 pm

You can’t cater your life to how people think about you. Our job in this world is to cater our life to Hashem. So each person needs to think about how they can best serve Hashem and try and follow that decision.
For some people that is working outside of the home, for some it is working inside the home. It sounds like you have many good reasons to stay home and are making good use of your time.
We’re living in a time that’s obsessed with the external. It’s all sheker! Who says bringing in money is more of a mitzvah than anything you are doing at home?

amother

Lilac

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't know how they manage but I know that chassidish women don't have the pressure or expectation of working outside the house.
In my community most women work. I don't work for various reasons and I hate that this is questioned and looked down on. Why can't it be enough to just run my home and family? Why are my finances and worthiness out on the chopping block because I don't work? I am constantly getting comments and questions about this crazy thing, being a SAHM. Am I not bored? What am I going to do when all my kids are grown? Don't I want to do something? Or be something? What do I do all day? How come I don't contribute financially? Am I depressed? If I'm not depressed oh but you will be soon because this is not normal, you need to DO something.
Chassidish ladies who don't have babies at home, what do you do with your time? Are you depressed or feel worthless? Are you ok with the parnassa responsibility falling on your DH only?

Do what works for you. I am chassidish and almost everybody I knows works. Maybe its community dependent. I used to live under neighbor who didn't work. Her baby was already in school and she always complained to me about the comments she got about how she isn't bored (She is chassidish). Personally I think the people making these comments are just jealous:)

amother

Babypink

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:49 pm

amother Steel wrote:

I understand what you’re saying but also just saying that there are plenty of other social pressures on chassidish women.

Exactly, the grass is always greener.

And every person has their own mazel, whether they are Chassidish or not. I have Chassidish friends who work, and I have some Chassidish friends who don't work but are completely over their heads with their large families kh, and Chassidish friends who live like princesses.

I have litvish friends who... you guessed it, work, some don't, some are overwhelmed, and some have full time help.

It doesn't seem to me that it has much to do with whether your Chassidish or litvish tbh...

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:57 pm

I'm a non-chassidish sahm with cleaning help and I totally understand what you're saying. It's assumed that I'm bored, or about to be bored, depressed or about to be depressed or suffering with a mysterious ailment that I refuse to divulge. It's gotten to the point where I try to avoid answering when people ask me about where I work and what I do.

amother

Trillium

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 7:59 pm

I work and most ppl I know work too. I think ppl who dont are other lucky or in debt. Or both.

But honestly I have no patience for sahm mothers who cry about how hard their job is. Cause I work and do everything they do.
Its not about being "just" a mother. I am a mother too and its the craziest hardest most amazing job ill ever have.. but the fact is I do it while working 25 hours a week and so I dont want to hear hiw hard my neighbors life who sahm w her kids in school.
I make suppers from scratch I cook amd clean myself I come home with my kids every day and am alone to entertain for the rest of the afternoon. I love my life bh!! And yes while I dont look down on sahm I would love to be one one day I dont think their life is harder. Sorry. What am I missing?

Not to say that sahm chill but also to say that their life is not harder

Leah Malka

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 8:16 pm

Op, If it makes you feel better, I’m Chassidish and I get comments all the time about “what do I do all day”, even from other Chassidish women. It seems to have become an expectation in our community, especially before you have kids.

Some people forget how much it takes to run a house without cleaning help etc.

Also, hobbies are a thing lol. I’m never bored

amother

↑ Mustard

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 8:42 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

I never cry about being a sahm. I wake up appreciating it every day and tell working moms how they need to give themselves tons of credit

amother

Foxglove

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:20 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

What you’re missing is the 25 hours of watching their kids that you are outsourcing.
That’s a lot of feeding, cleaning, diapering, playing and more that you are skipping.
This basic step is always glossed over.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

Its not my friends making comments it's everyone. Every time someone asks me what I do or it comes up in conversation, there's the comments and judgement. There is an expectation to "do something" outside the home.
If you are home your either sick, lazy, a loser or a combination of all of these.
Even my kids are embarrassed that I don't work.

Do you not work because you are financially comfortable to the point your salary wouldn’t do anything ? Like you really don’t need the money?
Or do you not work because you feel overwhelmed by the thought of working in addition to mom/household responsibilities ? I’m genuinely curious why your kids are embarrassed that you don’t work. This is what makes me wonder if they wish there was more financial security at home. Maybe they have wants that they feel they’d be able to get if you were making money, but because you don’t, it’s not in the budget. (not saying this is true and I obviously don’t know your situation , just wondering if this is why your kids are embarrassed of you not working).

amother

↑ Cadetblue

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:27 pm

amother Foxglove wrote:

Not necessarily many of the people here are saying their kids are in school no babies at home.

amother

Daylily ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:35 pm

ALLiaDT wrote:

I think you should let your friends know that there are stay at home moms with cleaning help that are still not bored all day.

My sil doesn't work, she has cleaning help 5x/week, and a nanny for most of the day (and a chessed girl from the local HS to come tutor her kids after school a couple days per week).

She is not bored. She is always busy with things, and many times these things are unpredictable

I work 35 hours per week and bh have 2 kids. She is far busier than me though.

amother

↑ Daylily ↓

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:42 pm

amother Iris wrote:

Op I get you
It's insanity
When I was a kid our mothers didn't work
(Plus they were exhausted and had cleaning help)
Is it a possibility to move to a more chassidish block

Or perhaps a chassidish development/neighborhood in Lakewood.

I see what's being built in belz, and it is beautiful. The entire community...

I do know one litvish family who rents there, so even if you're not chassidish you will probably fit right in

amother

Salmon

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 9:46 pm

amother Foxglove wrote:

This. After one of my babies I took off a year. I had grand plans of all the home projects & things I wanted to accomplish. I was shocked that I had no extra time to do anything! My baby cat napped and slept very little during the day, and constantly needed me. Preschool ends at 1, so preschoolers are home all afternoon. I was still overwhelmed taking care of the house and kids, although I was more relaxed / less pressured without work commitments, but it def wasn't easy taking care of my kids all day... And I did keep my twice a week cleaning help bec I planned to go back to work and didn't want to lose her.